`
at midnight
she closes her eyes
leaving herself open
for me & my senses
to lay traces of love
on her vulnerable skin,
and my intention
touching surfaces
of forgotten innocence -
as often as the drifting
night skies.
`
Author notes
Written April 2, 2008
A contest entry
- Skin by Mari Goes.
700 points, ended April 9, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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"as often as the drifting
night skies"
Sensual is the word! This is immensely sensual and beautiful... yes, I think "on her vulnerable skin" is better... very beautiful, Hensley
About the length of the title- as Tara said... I don't know. Maybe you can change it to "catching stars with hands" or "catching stars through calligraphy" or maybe this- "catching stars with hands through calligraphy" 
for me, that sounds better.
"and my intention
touching surfaces --
of forgotten innocence
as often as the drifting
night skies"
In that stanza, I think you can avoid the hyphens. If I were you, I would have change it to
"and my intention
touching surfaces
of forgotten innocence -
as often as the drifting
night skies"
Beautiful writing.
- namita
-
This is very sensual to me. This is like a scene in a movie that we wait for when the leading characters finally make love....I can picture & feel you touching her so softly & I sense eye contact even though her eyes are closed...weird, i know....maybe it is just a 'connection' that I feel between the lovers here.
This is excellent - I like the change to 'on' as well.
I am pondering the length of the title. I don't think it needs 'using calligraphy' - as I know what the poem is about
But...lol..it's up to you
thanks so much for entering the contest with this lovely poem.
-
I experieced a sense of drifting while reading this poem... perhaps the effect of the image of closed eys and the night skies above. "forgotten innocence" is a good image... so often love brings just that back to us!
This is lovely poetry, Hensley, and as always you succeed in taking the reader along on the wings of your words. I liked the softness too, as well as they way you say so much in so few words. I liked this...
Thank you for your entry.
~ Nicolette
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to lay traces of love
in her vulnerable skin,
I wonder if "on" would fit better than "in?" seems more logical with the word "traces."
It is an interesting simile comparing innocence with "drifting night skies."
I like the thought of closing her eyes, to feel, to experience whatever sensations are to come. Thanks for entering this lovely poem.
Mari
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i loved it. the imagery and story you created won me over. dunno about anyone else.
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