The air stands;
thickened between
tongues --
raises a thin hand
stretched across masses.
I am heavily
lidded by the hush
that sleeps in me:
a slow-brushed pulse
weightless
with wonder.
I wear your name under my skin,
though our nights dance
at different angles --
wild and
irrespective
of a thought that blooms
bolder than words.
A contest entry
- what happens in the white spaces by Dienush.
750 points, ended April 30, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celebrating Gold by Cupcrazy.
1400 points, ended May 13, 2008, 39 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism welcome.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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I am very grateful that I have stumbled upon you. You are a great talent. Perhaps you would take a peek at some of my contests.
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The opening lines create a great image and the following lines don't disappoint. Fabulous. >pixxie<
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Words are unneeded with the right touch...
Have a lovely weekend
Eddy
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well i really like this, so many strong lines like:
lidded by the hush
that sleeps in me
and
though our nights dance
at different angles --
very nice stuff
as far as crits:
i might change "thickens" to "thickened" to reinforce the stillness of the opening...
al
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Thanks for your keen eye Al
I've changed it now
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often, we don't realize or fail to voice what exists but can't be seen. well done.
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Wow.... Now this is really filled with clever, beautiful poetic devices... Love the imagery, the thick-thin antithesis in the beginning, the alliterations, the way you've shown intimacy in "I wear your name under my skin," and the last line. I don't know who you are, but judging by this poem you really should be in my favorites list. Thank you for entering.
~Diana -
There's definitely an air of sweet expectation in this;
so well written, hon.
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Extraordinary and effortless
free verse. I am so glad that you are a Winkling. You have utter control and your short phrases imply all one wishes to imagine and more. Fine, unassuming alliteration.
"weightless
with wonder" ~ the experience of great joy when one feels one is walking on air. Wonderful!
I love the intrigue of "I wear your name under my skin".
Allyce, you are becoming a poet's poet!
I, for one, dance in your shadow.
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Thank you so much, you are good to me
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This is beautiful, Allyce. I really love this poem and everything that is not being said here... those silences inbetween (sometimes sweet, sometimes not).
There is a sense of mystery about this poem....a goooooood one that makes me feel all excited for some reason, lolol!! Something is in the air here... quietly hanging there somewhere..
This is just beautiful, well-written poetry.
~ Nicolette
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Ooooo, you've given away my position!
Heh heh!
It's love that's in the airrrrrr! lol
Thanks
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it's always the dad who's last to know
i feel so...
pleased
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AHA!!! I knew it... i can smell love from a distance, lololol!!!
Oh good... looks like we're a very "in-love" household
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Hi Allyce,
I particularly like this:
I am heavily
lidded by the hush
that sleeps in me:
a slow-brushed pulse
Oh and this:
I wear your name under my skin,
Excellent! Good luck
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your pendulum pen swings from dark to light...
this is lovely
yes, thoughts sometimes are more bold than words, but it is the bold word that turns the thought into reality
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Wonderful title, those things left unsaid can certainly get thick at times! I just loved
"I am heavily
lidded by the hush
that sleeps in me:"
and
"our nights dance
at different angles". Fabulous.
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soft with an edge
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