when your feet kiss mine
and your bones clutch my flesh
i feel the eagle within me
wake with electricity
pluck the organ between my bosom
into the tune of strings
and my hair will stroke
the keys of your ribs
into a divine rhythm
squeeze me
and make Mendoza
the proud owner of wine,
a flavour of lightning and nectar
better than Malbec
i am your yarará
and you are my venom
that intoxicates me
into the birth of fireworks;
our heels will flutter
and skip over vibrations;
on this surface,
let's cut geometric patterns:
unite science and art
snap me, throw me
i am only an elastic whip,
your cat's cradle
that can trap you and free you
at the same instant
bind me, sculpt me,
I'll be your clay;
plant your midnight garden,
i'll grow you exotic essences
we are two threads
sliding over each other;
lick my skin with words -
I'll stitch your romance
and slip it on in satin's lust
take me away, love,
to the town of the wind
let's create a hurricane,
destroy peace into ecstasy
yet
keep wind chimes intact
Author notes
Mendoza: a city in Argentina popular for wine.
Malbec: a black grape variety popularly used in wine.
yarará: pitviper, a venomous snake.
Prompt:
http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k14/ArtisticPhoenix/200028770-001.jpg
=D
you absolutely HAVE to watch this:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5wH3Gw9H_eY
Critiques appreciated!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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ooo... I was pulled in by the footsies and then this took on such spectacular hues with the mention of yararas! "Blind me, sculpt me" - true passion indeed.
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oh, thank you!
i really appreciate your comment and applause. i'm glad this actually had that effect. but i still think that this could be revised.. ah, i wonder when on earth i'll do that.
bless ya!
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Very interesting and well written. choc full of visual sensations as i might expect, but they came through well and made the poem a very attrative piece of work. shame we can't lure you to the dark side of poetry, metre and rhyme...
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merci beacoup!
as for metre and rhyme, ha! i'd have to go through a revolution to be able to get my hand to get a hang of it..
with dark writes.. it's like even though i try to come up with deadly stuff, somehow it ends up being about anguish for some reason, not bloody or gothic enough.
i think i might find one or two or three dark writes in the rummaging bin.. hmm.. i think you've read one of it though.. do you remember "skeletal butterflies" by any chance? though frankly, i don't think i've been able to bring out the desired effect..
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It's like you had two totally difference poems after your "unite science & art."
The ending half was very smooth & I liked that, but it wasn't the correct contrast in my mind to the "geometric figures" you stated earlier.
Gah, I was blown away by the hair playing the ribs like a xylophone image. That was, wow. Wow wow wow. Really amazing.
The ending was sloppy & it seems like you have realized this. haha. Overall though, it was a great write.
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but I do believe that the "smooth part" increased the pace, just like a dance is..
oh, jeez, who am I kidding??!!
I need to rework this! HA!
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right on!!
I know, I realised it too. But I just couldn't bring myself to change it. The science and art and geometric patterns were a later addition, that's why they seem a little out of place, suddenly bringing rough images to the smooth ones. Annnnd the ending.. hehe.. eh.. hehehehehe... remember I told you on the other page that I tested out 2 poems.. the ending I grabbed off that one, the first two lines of the last 6 lines. And then I'm like, I want to add something!! So I extended the ending. Damn sloppy if you ask me!!
*sigh*
well, at least you liked this in bits and pieces!!
thanks for the comment!
bless ya!
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Yea- I read your comment on the challenge page, I agree this could have a much better ending, but I liked it for the most part. Lines, 36-38 were phenomenal.
Good luck,
Shirley
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*nods*
thank you so much for reading and commenting. yeah.. i've been trying to work out a better ending.. but.. hmf..
well, i'm glad for the most part you enjoyed it.
i really appreciate it! 
thanks loads!
bless ya!
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Astonishing.
The impact of the opening stanza is phenomenal, it pulled me in with such force until...
take me away, love,
to the town of the wind
let's create a hurricane,
destroy peace into ecstasy
yet
keep wind chimes intact
...I was set free, and though saddened that it ended, I was so overjoyed with the journey I read it three times, just to feel it again and again.
You are a true poet of our time, future worlds would be deprived something astounding if your works were never published. Please.... think of the children
You may be pleased to know, I've printed out a few and read them to my daughter at bedtime. I can't wait til she can read, understand and appreciate your work as I do.
Don't ever stop.
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HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYDEN!!!!!
Oh my gosh!! When did your daughter arrive??? I feel so HAPPY, so elated to hear about her!! Gosh, I'm so sorry I lost touch, you have GOT to update me!!!
And..
Isn't that just a bit too much flattery??
lol!!
You compliment me like I'm some kind of poet-master. Jeez!! I'm nowhere near that sweety!!
But I helluva appreciate how much my poems touch you. I can't wait either to see your daughter write! What's her name?? Thought of any yet?? I wish I were there!! 
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