Mr. Violin, your arms weaving magic as you stand,
caressing my ears with your fair music.
My hope elated as I pass your fairy tale of sound,
somewhere ushered in this feeling.
Mr. Violin, your thoughts away and untroubled,
you escaped to this heavenly place you create,
in a strange place with coins that jingle,
as they are tossed in your violin shell.
Mr. Violin, you picture you on a stage,
where supported by euphoria on this day,
you dreams seem to slip past the walking crowd,
as they chug on forgetting you at last.
Mr Violin, thank you for the magic moments,
as I trudge on my way to work,
accepting your five minutes of heaven,
here's a coin for your purse.
A contest entry
- April New Member's Contest by AP Greeters.
600 points, ended May 5, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do you like this poem?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Welcome to allpoetry
True.. magic moments they are!! A very nice attempt here, thanks for feasting us with this work.. Good luck with the same. -
i love the line
"weaving magic as you stand -
welcome to allpoetry
I am not {always} a fan of repetition... but I do like the way you have begun each stanza the same. There is a musical tone to your words, in more ways than one.
I enjoyed reading this, I think you did an excellent job here. Thank you for entering the contest.
Best of luck to you.
~Kristy -
Welcome To AP
I think this is a truly fine piece of poetry! Just reaches out and soothes the heart and soul
Thank you for sharing and good luck in this contest!!!
Heavenly Angel/AP Greeter -
I liked it! That was a worthwhile read, that's for sure.
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Welcome to allpoetry
Love the refrain at the beginning of each stanza. A lovely picture you paint. My only suggestion is that there is an over useage of the word 'you' if you took out just about all of the yous it would flow even better. Just a suggestion though.
Good luck in the contest. I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy
Site Greeter -
This is soooooo MOVING!
You mention the inner intent of the musician, using special phrases like, , arms weaving magic, fairy tale of sound, coins that jingle, violin shell. And the ending is so perfect with five minutes of heaven.
I also like the fact that you've gotten inside the head of those who have taken this person for granted, knowing that they will see him as a decorative servant to the public rather than someone to intensely remember.
I'd be very proud of this piece were I you.
*Suggestions*
This could really shine above if you could:
~~watch that little brat "as" . Oh, yes, it's easy to use and allows the the next phrase to come in, but it can also create a run-on. I'd try to replace or leave it out.
~~ double word use, such as heaven and heavenly. There are other substitutes for one or the other.
~~ punctuation should be used sparingly, if at all. In this piece, I realize it's needful, but I'd try to eliminate a few of them where one line can easily elide into the next one without it.
I give you my honest opinion because this one is impressive.
Should you edit, please let us know so that we can do a second lookie. Remember, editing is always allowed long as we are made aware of it!
Welcome to the site... where the possibilities are endless! Warmly, CookieZeal/Greeter
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Option 1
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Thank you so much for that input, that was very quick i will take into consideration AS hehehe there is always room for improvement. Maybe if you have time look at the other two i wrote troday
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