we never walked far in the park. momma always took the sidestreets but i wanted to cut across the frozen grass. the pigeons asked me to write about them, the mumbled pleas of breadcrumbs and used as metaphors for home and seeking. they are always fluttering from place to place.
we chased the sidewalk, my momma and i. held hands and looped our mittens through our sleeves and plain distance didn't scare us. we fought wind and sleet and rubbish bins and kicked over sirens. there were shadows laiden in the bricks, jaunty old ragged elderly held out out their putrid wrinkled hands. but we never really gave them a second glance or the possible penny lurking in momma's coin purse. i was never frightened much of those dark corners. see, sometimes these men in black coats followed us, but momma always knew where to hide.
we ran fast, momma and i. the birds flew around us and we disappeared right where the sidewalk ended and the grass started.
we never walked far in the park.
Author notes
edited 4/2/08
i can't add more, it'll ruin it for me. sorry.
A contest entry
- birds by zillion.
1000 points, ended April 9, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I love it when something starts with the same line it ends with. Like the book the Outsiders. Love that one. It reiterates what the author has already said, as well as makes the reader want to return to the top and read it again. I've actually read this piece about four times now (noticed the edit
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"men in black coats" is such a great image. I can see them lurking in the shadoww, following the characters. Very child-like and scary. -
you've done wonderful work with the pigeon and as a pigeon.
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Wow I really love this. I don't even really know what to say but it's as though you drew a pop-up picture book with really crazy/unique images. I just love the way you write and this has to be my favorite piece you've written.
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This is really pretty, it reminds me of the Firestarter by Stephen King a LOT. Just the girl running outside & the kicked over sirens bit. Just has this like...lonely taste to it and like an unknown feeling of wanting to explode.
It also reminds me of my faaavorite dance I ever saw which was 4 girls dancing a dance inspired by the life of birds.
I really love the simplicity of this, the kind of like strangeness, now you dont know, she doesn't know but mum knows but you're not sure what she knows? So many things you could guess its neat.
Really like the flow & feel of this, beautiful.
xo♥
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original and unique.i like to read poems like this one because its natural, just purely original..everyday living...those birds...those men....this is life and you had put it well. very nice indeed.
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gah. this is a mixed bag for me. i don't look hard at things, because i like the blurred oily image poems like this give off. i'd axe ", like momma" from the first stanza, just for simplicities sake. i fucking love "and rubbish bins and kicked over sirens"
that is just beautiful, so many senses all at once. moves my knees, hurts my ears.
awesome circular structure. the second to last stanza needs more. give me some grassier grass. please.
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...better?
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oh i definitely thing so. there are some words that seem awkwardly conjugated, like "laiden" and "possibly"
but i like this a whole lot more.
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Nicely written- magical. I love it!
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