i try to think of encouraging analogies
like "you hooked me like a fish
and then set me (free) back in the water."
but then i'm a fish
with fish lips
and i wasn't fish enough to save
but something enough to save from being fried.
and maybe now i'll have better posture
because you're a little too short
(or i'm a little too tall)
so when i'm around you, i slouch.
but not in the metaphorical sense
because you always made my brain stand upright
and put on a nice dress.
it's okay that you're the only other libertarian i've ever met.
it's okay that we were going to paint water-color sunrises.
maybe you're just another person
i'll learn not to miss,
another person i'll not have to write to,
or call, or feel bad for forgetting to call,
or receive tacky holiday greetings from
hopefully, soon you'll walk into a room
and you won't hold my attention
for a few seconds.
Author notes
prompt 16. i just wrote stream of conscious from this quote
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest. (A) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended April 6, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Getting Over Your Dearest by Wilted Rose Bush.
600 points, ended April 21, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sad, Upset, Hurt, Betrayed? by starving4perfection.
1550 points, ended April 26, 157 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Mm, I can relate.
I like it.
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ouch. this hit me hard, because when school ends and college begins i'm going to be feeling this way. and the fact that i'm already aware of it happening has got me terrified.
the lines
it's okay that we were going to paint water-color sunrises.
maybe you're just another person
i'll learn not to miss,
another person i'll not have to write to,
or call, or feel bad for forgetting to call,
or receive tacky holiday greetings from
or care about.
hopefully, soon you'll walk into a room
and my eyes won't follow you
for a few seconds.
i think are great and i wouldn't touch. the line "t's okay that you're the only other libertarian i've ever met." you might consider taking out the "ever"--it seems a bit colloquial. the whole poem, however, does have this childlike voice to it that is quite charming. you seem to be soothing yourself, reassuring yourself that everything is ok when it is clearly not. balancing on the edge of the blade.
i also like how you separate yourself from the metaphors, as if you acknowledge that romanticizing a relationship through lofty comparisons will only make it harder to let go. very cool poem.
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This poem contains some wonderful lines and all in all, is a captivating 'stream' that showcases that unique, narrative style of yours. Your slant.
"so when i'm around you, i slouch.
but not in the metaphorical sense
because you always made my brain stand upright
and put on a nice dress."
These are superb lines.
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I'll admit, when I first read the notes I was like "oh god, another diary entry", but it didn't feel like that at all. I do feel like it captured the quote, though it wasn't very creative. I did feel the emotions that were strong in the quote, and I did like this poem. It made me sad, and brought tears to my eyes.
I love that in parenthesis you have the after thought of the narrator. It showed the emotional dishevel and slight confusion, though slow acceptance of the matter.
I love the line "another person I'll not have to write to." and the rest of them, actually. It just felt important that it was being thought about, and it was strong and held the feeling of loss and the feeling of miss and the realisation that they won't be there in the future. The knowledge that in the long run, one does move on.
Almost optimistic, in a sense.
Thank you for sharing! I'd love to see more by you.
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And a good stream of consciousness it is...
I really liked this.
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