peering into your coffee cup you mutter,
you should know what i want. like usual,
i am without a valid response. perhaps
if i had purchased tea instead the mucusy
clump of leaves at the bottom of the cup
could explain what i can’t figure out,
but no matter how much i swirl the black
gritty remains of my coffee i procure
no solutions. i glance at your eyes for answers,
hoping to decipher the hieroglyphs
of the freckles in your iris, but i’m bad
with foreign languages & yours is as archaic
as they get. if i could be as small as a pin
i would play the grooves of your fingerprints
like records & listen to their little tunes,
but you won’t even let me take your hand
beneath the rickety table so i guess
i’ll just clasp my sweaty palms together
while the crappy song dies in the background
& wait for you to say, you’ve never
even tried to understand me! before the door
creaks open on your way out of this dingy
little coffee shop i’ve never really liked.
Author notes
hope4revolution
A contest entry
- & that is the oxygen of poetica [4hrs] by Ryno.
300 points, ended April 3, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quirky Poetry That Actually Means Something by Sprite.
1500 points, ended April 20, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of AP by ageofdarkpoets.
450 points, ended October 6, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
I like this as it stands, though I would have liked some more unusual images in it. I do like your style, and I can definitely follow what you are saying here. I think the run on sentence can be a very effective way of writing some poems and this is one of them. It adds to the import of the write.
~ Joyce
P.S. Don't forget to put a short interpretation of two of the lines from my example in your author notes on this page. -
-
thank you so much for your comment, i added the short interpretation for you in the notes.
-
-
There are some excellent images in here, they incoorporated well with the sitting-down-to-coffee feeling, witch was really well used ...
I am a believer of the SHOWING not telling... but I don't know what the huffhuff is about, I feel like you were telling me what you wanted/was happening, but you still showed it in a since that worked well with the poem...
I don't really like the linebreaking as much, they seemed to not add emphasis and really break up some good spots that could've flower well.
Overall... ingeniously described emotion! Thanks for the entry. -
-
thanks for the input & i agree with the line break thing... i also turned this in for my poetry class & we were supposed to use enjambent on every line & only end lines with nouns, verbs, adjectives or adverbs... which didn't work as well as i wanted it to. thanks for the great input, though!
-
-
hope you got a good grade
-
-
-
a good piece of poetry penned - this seemed more structured to me rather than being freeverse, there is a lot of thought that has gone into the presentation of line length i think.
ah show and tell, i do not believe we should just show and not tell, i think we should do both, language is ours to use. i do not believe less is more either as most who speak to me on show and tell say
-
This was quite enjoyable. It was just a clear read.
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
