she wore her diamonds
on the inside
of her nose-
like most of her worth,
it was hidden
beneath bad skin
and shabby clothes
but without the lock to keep
an honest man out...
her ducks wandered out of their rows--
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Author notes
Prompt: 15. "I tried these lines one too many times" -- "Attention" by Adelphi ~ thinking w a y outside of the box... so to speak ~
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest. (A) by OhNoChastity.
600 points, ended April 6, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Oooh. Interesting. I did not expect for anyone to take that prompt and make it into that. I love how you started the poem too. Immediately I thought of cocaine, and I'm pretty sure that's what you intended. I could see a girl with a nose stud, bent over a mirror and snorting as fast as her lungs would allow.
The last line is interesting. The way I interpretted it, which I could be wrong (I'll read the comments after this, I like to write my first interpretation down so that the writer knows exactly what I saw fresh after I read it) is that she's cold due to what she does, and her immediate visage could scare those who are good away. When they do get in, everything goes crazy.
I could very well be wrong though.
My favourite line would have to be the first three lines. The metaphor and double meaning is wonderful, and kept me immediately captured. I really enjoyed the poetic devices you used, as well as the lay out. I also love that you took the prompt and made it into your own story.
As far as suggestions, really my only one would be to maybe put another punctuation at the ending. "..." or "--" maybe. It felt like it didn't work and took away from the majesty of the poem, in my opinion.
That is my only qualm. Thank you for entering my contest, and I hope to see more writing from you. -
Wonderful
Oh my this is great. You definitely captured out of the box.
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Definitely different and my mind brings up a seriously sad image and also a comical one, so diverse in its imagery, a sad and funny read with originality.
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This is great! Now I know what it means to keep all of your ducks in a row. Seriously, I can see several images here. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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I like this . . .
it is concise and yet takes you many places. I was (still am) a bit confused by "like most of her worth,
was hidden" I have re-read these lines many times in many ways. Doesn't mean they're wrong because sometimes I can be a bit dense. It keeps feeling like a tense problem or the lack of an additional word. Other than that it is quite effective. The last line in some bizarre poetic fashion fits perfectly. Good luck in your contest. ~ Timothy
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tnk
OOO thank-you... you caught a typo for me, tiny word "it" missing... whew!!! Changes alot!!! Poem is about the devaluing of oneself from abusing "certain" illegal substances~ what she values more than appearance will soon erode and then destroy her self worth, completely while making it nearly impossible for others to see... Metphorically speaking
Ithica
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Glad I could help . . .
goodluck in your contest.
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this is an excellent piece, you conveyed so much I loved the last line "her ducks wandered out of their rows" My ducks used to wander until I started stacking them vertical(I think its to much 'heavy'work for the lowest one). good luck Ithica in this contest
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