Anger, pent-up, waiting to explode.
Deceit, Infantile, wait till I unload.
Growing, burning, deep within my core.
Capable of, what I'm unsure.
Reaching for release, something to comfort.
What is your need, to cause me such hurt?
Emotions rocky, from one to the next.
Stealing my words, now used out of context.
Your day will come, not one, but two-fold.
My anger shall grow, till that day I am told.
Your cold heart, was ripped in two.
I'll laugh to the world,
it came back to you!
(C) Nichole A. Dustin
3/31/2008
Author notes
Jungle fever option 7
I will never express who this piece is about, but I had such anger and pain, I had to write it out. Or it may have grown to disgusting levels.
A contest entry
- Say What You Need To Say by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended April 14, 2008, 46 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
My mother taught me if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all. We are not here as pros, we are here to share our art and have fun. *grin*
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Yes, Karma is infallible. I well know the burning feeling of hurt and anger. Try not to go there because it makes me sick. My fibromyalgia has certainly cured my temper. Not always though. lol's Whoever hurt you like this; well it will come back at them, like you said. By then, I think you will just feel sorry for them. Congrats on the silver.
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First off, put your name in the author notes, not in the poem. Then I had a problem with the rhythm, it was jumpy and all over the place, not making any sense. My biggest problem was with:
Anger, pent-up, waiting to explode.
Deceit, Infantile, wait till I unload.
Growing, burning, deep within my core.
Capable of, what I'm unsure.
The commas in here make it so much more hard to read and understand. "Capable of, what I'm unsure." Change it to:
Capable of what, I'm not sure.
You use the periods too often, with every line, it doesn't make any sense. If you want to keep the periods where they are then make more lines within the line, like:
Anger, pent-up,
waiting to explode.
Deceit, infantile,
wait till I unload.
Also the "pent-up" could be changed to something a little more professional. And "wait till I unload" is just really off and doesn't make much sense, you need to change that.
Thank you for entering in my contest and I hoped this helped.
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Congrats you are a finalist with a score of 90.5
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great write i loved the flow of the rhyme keep up the great work
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Title: 4/5- Creative.
Venting: 42/50- I feel that you're venting, but... something is lacking.
My Personal Like/Dislike: 12/15- The best use of rhyme I have seen thus far.
Followed Rules: 20/20- Perfect
Grammer/Spelling: 8/10- a thesaurus will be useful during your rewrites, and your second stanza needs a bit of working. Otherwise, very nice.
Total: 86/100
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Title: 5/5-I love it
Venting: 45/50- Venting and poetic, great job
My Personal Like/Dislike: 15/15- such pain
Followed Rules: 20/20- Perfect
Grammer/Spelling: 10/10- wonderful
Total: 95/100
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