On a simple cord, I keep track of things
so you don’t have to. Lazy they say –
letting an alarm dictate time
instead of just letting it
happen, just let “nature
take its course” on you
and your way. Not
good but good
enough.
Yes.
Wink
your eye
the left one
then take a sip
coffee dripping stains
feeding caffeine to rings
burned into the oak table
just because you were not praying
to the pencil gods to guide your thoughts.
Drive lead into shallow grooves - then trash me.
Author notes
Pic Credit:
http://dpoephoto.deviantart.com/art/Coffee-31062180
Form:
Ten lines, syllables starting at 1 for line one, 2 for line 2, etc.
Mine is a Double Reversed Etheree:
10, 9, 8, 7, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I love your style. I love the way you use punctuation to control the flow of thoughts. I thought you did a wonderful job with this one. I agree that your theme could be better served with more oomph, but you did it for me. I like the you I read poet. I am looking forward to sharing your words in this challenge.
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Hi there :)
OK....first off....you forgot a 6 in your explanation of this RDE in your AN ~
Next....this is not a Form I would have chosen for your talents.....as I can see it is not unoriginal to your quill, and it almost seems....too cliche' for what I have seen of your talents ~
Syllable count is perfect ~
Aesthetics is something I hold dear to my heart when Poets decide to use a form of strict syllable count.....and this is Art, and should be displayed and presented as such......and to me, you have almost done so, with the exception of lines 4 & 17 ~
Choosing your words wisely in a DE, reversed or not, is one of the hardest parts about this Form....especially when aesthetics are involved ~
Let me begin with your Tone and Theme :)
Brilliant!
However, a bit soft with such a Strong Tone ~
I envisioned every line as you penned your way through this write ~
I fell in love with this RDE beginning on the second Etheree.......what clever imagery you spill onto this canvas of light blue ~
If you had not brought some Imapct into this write at the end, we'd be having a different discussion right now :)
As you get to know me, and you do from the PO' contests, you will find I am no different Judge than I am over there vs. here ~
I want you to bring me something that is going to make me drool for more, and something that is going to make me stop and go....wow!
Ok...over-all.....lovely, soft metaphores which tidy up this write in such a pretty way ~
..but back to what I said.......bring some Power into your writes, and you will get your Focus and Lasting Impression wityhout even trying :)
OK?
:)
....and another thing.....do NOT stay in your comfort zones....break out and show us something deifferent than other Poets, or your entries are going to be....just another entry ~
Loved your RDE.....one of the top 3 reads for me :)
Good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
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Hi there
This was an interesting form to play with - and finding the right words to fit in with the syllables was a big issue - the piece started as just the 2nd stanza - but I wanted to have more than ten lines - maybe I just should have had the 2nd stanza and scratched the first stanza? Would that have helped it, do you think? As for a title, I have no idea for either version. Thinking about it now, I think the 2nd stanza is the stronger - I think when I take it to workshop I'll just scrap the first stanza. Who knows what it could become.
It was hard, trying to keep my word choice within the confines of the form! It's not a hugely difficult form, but for somebody who is form-strategy-stupid, it's hard enough (I'm a form beginner - I know, just keep working at it). Ok this was a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG reply, thank you SOO much for the feedback, Bear!
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Hi Emily :)
Your score from me was a 97.35....the third higest score I sent to Melanie........so be very proud of your work this week....and as far as scrapping the first Etheree....it is within your heart that your decision has to be made
I support any decision you choose in the future ~
Remember....don't hold back.....show off your talents....always try to pen stronger with each write, and never pen something that does not speak to you first.........and then you're gonna do just fine
Have a great night,
Bear ~
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I actually love this form, and have used it quite a bit myself. LOVELY! I like that it was like: in your face, plain and simple.... but there is so much beneath the surface. I like your raw style, but sometimes metaphors can add such appeal to a piece. The title is a bit too long. I think short and powerful.. maybe 1 or 2 STRONG words is much better than a long drawn out sentence.
You did great. I wish you the best of luck!
Your score from me: 94
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This is a difficult form for sure! nice take! all the best!
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I like the shape of this, very well written. All the best in this contest with it
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so you threw it into reverse, nice!
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