The Mist's Secrets by Stormy Days at All poetry

Many years of wondering,
I have found so many secrets,
but the most profound is
the secrets the mist has...

Twisted hope,

broken dreams.

It has come pouring over me.

Falsified kindness,

hidden in the truth

now I have learned what secrets it holds and I am here to tell you.

In the mist lurks a demon

ready to feed off all the innocent souls

to burn and torture all those who dare to wander into it.

Caught and trapped like a fly in spider's web.

In the mist comes silent screams,

of innocent faces seeing demonic things.

Forever held in gray arms of mist

as it takes control of you mind

tossing out your soul

for all to see

the evil within

all things.

A contest entry

Titles Contest (Week Two) by Laura-Critchley. 315 points, ended April 13, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

I would love it if you left me a comment:

Comments

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kiwigirljacks
April 12, 2008

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Wowzers!! Yikes... that was dark and powerful and completely awesome! You took that title and ran with it sweetheart!
Glad to see you writing
almostgone
March 31, 2008

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A very dark and scary write. And it is actually misty outside tonite. Hope i dont get caught up with that demon.. Very nicely done and well worded. Good luck in the contest!
shortyjo
March 31, 2008

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Wow, spooky images, you paint here with your amazing words. One tiny thing, in this line:

In the mist comes silent screams

I would takes the s off comes, since the s is in screams. So either

In the mist come silent screams

or

In the mist comes a silent scream.

That's just me being all teachery though (my job )

I thought this was a really vivid strong imaginative original piece. Really awesome!
x-Black-Butterfly-x
March 31, 2008

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this is an awsome write and the way you have penned it with imagery and emotion is amazing well done and best of luck
poeticweaver
March 31, 2008

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Wow,
This is a very good piece here, filled with vivid imagery.. Thanks for sharing here, and all the best within the contest. Peace. -Timothy aka poeticweaver
Laura-Critchley
March 31, 2008
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I'm happy to help, hun. =)

Please don't be offended by everything I point out... I'm a bit of a grammar freak...

Line 3: "but the most promote is" I'm not sure if promote is the world you wanted to use here... maybe "profound"?

Line 4: "the mist's secrets that the mist has..." The word "mist" is used too many times in this line. I think it'll sound better if it was "the secrets that the mist has..."

Line 7: "poring" should be "pouring".

Line 9: I think this line would sound better if it was "hidden in the truth".

Line 10: I think this line should be: "now I have learned what secrets it holds and I am here to tell you."

Line 12: "ready to feed of all innocent souls" should be "ready to feed off of all the innocent souls".

Line 13: "to burn and torture all those who dare wonder into it." "Wonder" should be "wander".

Line 14: "Caught and trapped like a fly in spiders web." should be "Caught and trapped like a fly in a spider's web."

Everything else looks OK.

Obviously only change these if you agree...
Laura-Critchley
March 31, 2008

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This is really good, I like it, I do.

But, some parts of it aren't perfect... there's a lot of grammar mistakes in this piece.

Maybe you want to look over it again?

If you want... I can post what I see is wrong with this piece grammar wise (the piece itself is amazing) and if you agree you can edit it?

And, feel free to edit it yourself until the end of the contest.

Take care and thanks for entering, Laura aka Maliha.