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Dear husband

loved your ad libbing on liquid --
wobble, daughter heard molecules

vibrate answers; knock,
I would've been fasting depression:
dance drained more than just sitting it out

turned into tears anyway





Author notes

up to par beyond personal write I think now ha-ha


trying to do an edit, sad to lose phrase I would've been deeply depressed/
I sorted it more than being distorted by feelings I think but
structured with rules for the communication lol



good luck isn't for my attentiveness; Isaiah 65:11

please comment without extras for me,
no unnatural emoticons NOR the applause at all, thank you

A contest entry

conditional by miscarriage but can't be stranger

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • klassy lassy
    April 8, 2008

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    I wrote my husband a poem once. He didn't read it, and he wouldn't read a letter, either, but a note saying dinner is read would get his attention!

    You touch so bravely the liquid and tears... we wives keep on dancing, sometimes. ~K


  • Nicolette gold member
    April 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I take it you've done an edit since my co-judge commented on this piece - thank you for that. I actually liked the alliteration of "deeply depressed: dance..." - falls softer on the ear than "fasting". Please check the adjective count again.

    A very interesting entry indeed...and it made me think how many wives still write a letter to their husband...A very thought-provoking write.

    Thank you for this entry.

    ~ Nicolette


    • Bams
      April 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      enjoyed your noting

      Nicolette I got energized to make the change needed

      I think I'm ready for complete claim, my piece is okay or technically so. strange how wanted words aren't seen for all components that might make them negative choice. glad you saw my original problem of breaking away from a flow.

      I kept the replaced word, maybe pairing it with less difficult effect now...

      I'm happy you could see the poem motivating involvement in general before editing was thorough,
      babies are my subject

  • grm
    March 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    a few too many adjectives. consider editing?

    otherwise an interesting entry

    thank you


    • Bams
      April 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      edited?

      grm thanks for the indirect grooming

      I think I finally was able to locate the tangles, especially after Nicolette still had me thinking.

      appreciated the printing about my print,
      babies are my subject

  • Rowan gold member
    March 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Loved the alliteration in the first line. I've had many nights like this. It's all over but the crying. And yes, sometimes, it would've been easier to sit one out.


    • Bams
      March 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      I felt close as a pair...

      Rowan thanks for catching this for a visit

      I appreciate you finding posture in pronunciation per se, when between noodle back and doodle sometimes~

      had to rearrange some more emotions a bit.

      I've the will to look at your writes,
      babies are my subject

1 - 7 of 7