That night in my room
The whisper of sound
I arose from my bed
To find no-one around
My room was empty
But that whisper still heard
What was that sound
That was being transferred
I left my room
And entered the house
It was like a maze
I felt like a mouse
The whole house was empty
I could feel the fear
The whisper was still there
And it was getting near
I turned around
To find something there
It shimmered at me
So I moved with care
In front was a mirror
That was glowing at me
I wanted to stay
Yet wanted to flee
I looked at my reflection
You won’t believe what I saw
I couldn’t believe it either
But, my heart, it tore
There was nothing there.
A contest entry
- Bloody Thoughts by SpiritDarkmaiden.
1200 points, ended June 29, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - youthful dreams by solitarytear.
300 points, ended August 7, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tired of HM's? (III) by PatheticKt.
570 points, ended August 13, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Share your poems with me by trekkergirl.
550 points, ended November 6, 2008, 176 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is very good. I can definitely see how it won several trophies. I really think that most rhyming poems seem forced but yours flows pretty well. You also use imagery well in this piece. I liked it. Thanks for entering my contest.
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Let's see, I love the flow since I didn't stop reading but was bothered with the no-one since there's no need for the hyphen and the house-mouse jazz sounds forced to me but hey you can't pen "I felt like a blouse", right?
I like the persona's thoughts for the reader to delve in and be curious as well, kind of like letting the reader join along the mysterious adventure . . .
. . . although, there is an impact that occur to me after reading this but it was a subtle one: nothing powerful and the ending, well, it was unexpected but not in a way where I am shocked, you know? ^^'
Anyway, you can leave it at that since this write is all right because it had that surreal feeling all throughout the poem ~ -
It has its moments, though I agree with SuicidalLover, in that it didn't have the impact I'd been hoping for. Plus, you're well-over the 20-line limit, so I will have to DQ you, though you're more than welcome to enter something else.
Better luck next time,
Laura -
I'm not so sure you want to enter this one....
Dark, yet not much of an impact (of course I'm not the judge, but I do know some of her taste) Plus it's 29 lines so you're over 9...
The poem itself wasn't bad, but I see room for improvement. (Don't ask me where) I like it because it is dark and I'm sure Laura will too. I wish you luck and be prepared for her critique.
~Kystal Angel -
Well, that adds to my already phobia of mirrors. How creepy it would be to realize that you were really no one. I loved the rhyme to this poem, the words flowed nicely. Thanks for entering.
Bloody wishes
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I'm too scared to look at mirrors now, lol. Awesome poem! -hi5-
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Hmmm... difficult to comment when I've already told you what I thought, lol
I love ze twist at ze ennnnnnnnnnnd annnnnnnnd..... ummmmm. Yeah. Ish kewl
I guess some criticism would be that the syllable count changes with each paragraph, but perhaps you did that on purpose...? Yeah, just the flow, really.
But other than that, ish AWESOME!!!! And I heart you. The end.
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