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lluvia

lluvia, no eres tempestad,
sino la manera de respiración
por las mujeres fatigadas que llegan a ser siluetas
en ventanas victorianas

cuyos hombres zalameros
dejanlas nauseando humores ennegrecidos
a las alfombras de tierra.

lluvia, eres epístola
de las personas enfermas y pasantes
quienes voces, como el viento agitando las ramas,
se consumen al silencio insoportable
de nada.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

rain, you are not a storm,
but the only way of breathing
for weary women turned to silhouettes
in victorian windows

whose smooth-tongued men
leave them heaving blackened humours
to an earthen carpet.

rain, you are the epistle of the weak and dying,
whose voices, like wind stirring branches,
fade to the excruciating silence
of nothing.

Author notes

no soy hablante perfecta. español no es mi primer idioma, ¡así deberían ser simpaticos cuando leyendo el poema! me encanta mucho la crítica. :]

written in spanish first, just cos i’m sick of english and i got bored. this sucks in translation, sorry. and i'm not entirely certain about the line breaks. criticism is very much welcome!

In a list

A contest entry

Critique this and I will love you forever.

: , Your review:

Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
: no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • CarCrashHumor
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    well, I can't really critique it... I'm not sure what improvement it could even use, because I thoroughly enjoyed how it is right now.
    it's amazing, and just what I was looking for

  • And Hyetal
    June 2

    Edit | Reply
    I was intrigued to read this because I love the word 'lluvia'. I'm learning Spanish, and that's my favorite word.

    This poem is written beautifully. I enjoyed reading the Spanish part, even though I'm not that great at the language yet. And the English part is wonderful.

    I really enjoyed the read.

    ~Cassie


  • Amaranthine Lover silver member
    May 1
    Edit | Reply
    I like the english part, I don't understand spanisch

  • baconboy
    April 15

    Edit | Reply

    Linda

    Yo creo que necesitas escribir mas en espanol.
    Tengo solo uno en espanol 'Una y Otra Vez'.
    Di me que creas si quieres leer eso.

    Orita!

    BB <><>

    • hiraeth
      April 15
      Edit | Reply
      Usted habla espanol tambien?
      Voy a leer sus poemas, pero primero necesito ir a Wal Mart porque no tengo comida en mi casa para nada. Luego, entonces?

  • Iwuvyouxoxoxo
    April 6
    Edit | Reply
    i love how it is in two languages super cool

  • M a r l u x i a gold member
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    The best first entry in a contest of mine I have ever received.
    This is completely awesome. The beginning stanza was my favorite. I agree with Puking Faerie Dust about the first line and how it is just perfect. It really drew me in. I had to even reread it after I was done - it really caught my attention and kept me with it. I also like how it is in two languages. That way, even those who don't know English can capture this exquisite piece.
    Thank you for entering.

  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    Okay. People must seriously be RETARDED to not read this, or at least comment! I seriously loved this (automatic bookmark )! It had an eery sadness to it, somehwat hollow. The descriptions are... I don't even know, just amazing. The very first line has to be my favorite. It really was a perfect opening. Not to suttle to where it's boring, but not blunt and out of nowhere. The only things I could pick out, are these; (all of these are just preferences; no need to listen to me )

    Line 6- I think "heaving" would sound better as "to heave". But, then again, if you did that, the line would probably sound too long.

    Line 7- I was thinking maybe changing "an" to "the", but I guess it doesn't really matter, lol.

    The last lines were amazing, too, by the way.
    This was brilliant, dear, you should be proud of this one!
    Jeanette*~
    P.S. I know it sounds like I exaggerated everything, but, seriously, it was freaking awesome.


    • hiraeth
      April 2
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, "to heave" would be longer... but the an/the issue is bothering me! Glad I'm not the only one who thinks so... or what do you think of 'earthen carpetS'? I hate Spanish's excessive use of pronouns and having to translate it. Bugger.

      Hehe, thank you. And I totally stole the opening line's style from Neruda.
1 - 10 of 10