Shadows caress,
Whispers of night.
Secretly shun,
Daughters of light.
Faltering fog,
Concealer of doubt.
Lies to conform,
Blindly devout.
Draped in deceit,
Welcoming guile.
This eminent night,
A solemn denial.
Treacherous lies,
A pretense of purity.
Unnoticed betrayal,
Deserted security.
Author notes
PHOTO PROMPT: provided by Photobucket.
FOR CONTEST
A contest entry
- Sunday Quikie for PIF I won from Desire and Beret55 by SpiritMother.
575 points, ended April 5, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think.
Comments
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i was wondering why dp robertson was looking in my poem
now i know, thanks for putting the link in here and for your words about my poem, i am glad you like it
i would not worry too much though on his reviews, i could say similar things about his poetry.
and to your poem, i am glad you felt inspired. to write is to be smiling
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This is one of those ABCB rhyming dogs that look okay but really doesn’t know it’s arse from its elbow. It has a staccato feel to its chopped couplets that some may say is appealing; I on the other hand think it is bullshit, illiterate writing that is nonsense and incredibly unfocused. Really, a quatrain from Nostradamus would make more sense than some of these contradictory stanzas.
Poem you reviewed.
This poem called A Crumpled Sheet of Dead Poetry by Individuality is an amazingly well-though-out piece of written beauty. The writer's use of poetic language makes the poem very pleasant and wonderful to read, while it also has depth and meaning. With all of the attributes that make it a superb write, it is one of the best poems I have read in a very long time.
Your review - wow. you make me feel bad about my poetry *hides face*
this was simply amazing. I love it. congratulations on making an amazing poem out of a crappy prompt! This was..... I dont even know how to describe it. SUPERB XD
You're a crumpled sheet of dead poetry,
I still want to kiss you while burning lies,
This is a pretty good piece of writing in parts. Its not consistent but where it is good it is brilliant. The line, “You're a crumpled sheet of dead poetry” alone is worth the price of admission. It has good flow, vivid images and takes the reader along to a great last line that perfectly encapsulates the essence of this piece.
Overall what you entered was ordinary, your review in the author’s note okay, your review at the poem was lamentable and you need to get out more and read better writing.
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Possible the wrong person to say I like only one kind of poetry to. The only true aspect of that statement is the one kind is good writing but as for styles, quite frankly I like most which includes verse and rhyming couplets. Most of my pieces on this site rhyme. Let me be more precise about your piece. Firstly, it reads almost as a cliché to the quasi emo genre.
The meter of these rhymes are good and the actual rhymes are better than ordinary but it still doesn’t prevent the thing from collapsing into a set of well worn statements rather than a fluent and I dare say, coherent piece of writing. So while the structure of ABCB is such a well worn structure by which to rhyme, you then load it with clichés which goes about slaughtering any remaining originality.
Shadows caress,
Whispers of night.
Daughters of light.
Lies to conform,
Blindly devout.
Draped in deceit,
A solemn denial.
Treacherous lies,
Unnoticed betrayal,
All clichés.
They are all trotted out time and again which is why I said it makes it a dog to read. With a little bit of effort and a great deal more originality this could have been a reasonable piece. But while you write like this, laden also with such a heavy hand of melodrama to boot and being unfocused and indeed convoluted way of description, you are making it difficult for yourself.
So if you really want suggestions, avoid the clichés. You actually rhyme reasonably well and appear to have a good meter and feel for it. Increase your vocabulary which will give you not only greater rhyming choices but less prone to smothering your pieces with clichés. Thirdly, your phonetic feel to the line overall is good. You are linking words well and that is why resorting to clichés is all the more disappointing because you can obviously write, you obviously like writing but you just have to ask yourself, do you really want to improve. The quicker you find your own voice the quicker that improvement will be.
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Well Done,
Good use of metaphors, and well expressed piece.
Thanks for sharing, all the best to ya.
-Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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