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incomplete [without you]

march the thirtieth, nineteen-eighty
I was released into this world
bloodstained and screaming
fighting and gasping

my mother’s comfort taught me a lot about life
and how we are all struggling
fighting and gasping; but we survive
grinning like Cheshire cats

and we are all searching
sniffing like lost dogs
meandering through life
catching butterflies

weary ocean eyes would wander
though the lavender fields
when out of the blue
you gave me a gold ring

may the seventh, the year two thousand
we exchanged our vows
dressed in ivory, ecstatic
we smiled real smiles

I was born incomplete
now made whole by you
my mother taught me a lot
but you taught me everything

 

 

Author notes

WORD BANK

Colours:- blue, gold, ocean, Ivory, lavender
months:- March, may
Emotions:- Weary, ecstatic
Gender-based:- Mother
Animal words:- cats, dogs, butterflies
Favorite word:- incomplete

USERNAME: *Slip Slidin Away*

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • RyanosaurusWrecks silver member
    April 26
    Edit | Reply
    what a nice poem..heartfelt
    and graceful
    well done


  • jcat gold member
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    I am in love with this piece and I am not sure why!! Maybe it was your great use of the word bank or because of the incredible story held here! Either way I am captivated.....Very well done!!!


  • RaeRayMusic
    April 13
    Edit | Reply
    This poem's concept really inspires me. Thanks for this. I love it and it really just, makes sense

  • quantumsurveyor
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    I truly know the truth of blood and screaming but not sure if I want to be faced with it in such a poem - a touch misplaced perhaps? But, then, I am just a bloke. Nicely balanced and well thought through. You might consider a comma after "dressed in ivory " as the line implies a colour called "ecstatic"

    • Slip Slidin Away
      April 12
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      I changed 'and' to a comma it reads much better now thanks! and thanks so much for an honest comment much appreciated

  • pania gold member
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    A touching poem of love and completion of the soul by your partner. I like the narrative life story, and the link of mother that ties the final stanza back to the beginning. In the second stanza, I'm not sure that the plural of /we/ works with /a chesire cat/

    • Slip Slidin Away
      April 12
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Your right, I changed the last line to 'grinning like Chesire cats - plural like the rest of the stanza - thanks for picking that up

  • ShellyoConnor
    April 12
    Edit | Reply
    Aww

    This is so touching!
    I can feel the love!

    Good luck in the contest!

  • Carolina Moon silver member
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed reading this and the story it told. You did a fantastic write with this wordbank. All the best to you.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    An excellent write and good use of the words you chose to use and a happy ending that produced a smile from this reader.

    All the best in the contest...Sue

    . Rewarded 4


  • Polaja
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    This is a lovely poem... I really like how you included the words in such a true, sweet story... I really enjoyed the ending romantic, with honest emotion shining through - thank you for the entry!

    Keep writing

    Polly

    . Rewarded 4


  • Kiddy
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    March 30th - The starting made me widen my eyes - because - March 30 , 1983 s my Birthday... I would say this poem is too lovely...The whole life of the speaker is brought in so wonderfully. The second half of the poem that talks about the entry of other half is beautiful. very good finality... Superb.
    thanks for sharing.
    Love
    -Kiddy

  • islekine
    April 12
    Edit | Reply

    Oh this is so sweet!

    I love it! Best wishes in the contest.
    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • ml12
    April 8
    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely brilliant from start to end. Great write!


  • bozoloper silver member
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    you really managed to work the word bank and requirements in flawlessly... very well put together, i really like the stanza about the dogs after butterflies, works very well!

  • Still Gonna Shine
    March 31
    Edit | Reply
    well written...first stanza is a little graphic

  • take.your.time
    March 30

    Edit | Reply
    very very pretty.
    the gold rings pictured distract me a little, as well as the border, but the is very pretty.

  • Katie Lazette
    March 30
    Edit | Reply

    Great Write

    A different kind of poem. Filled with love and great imagery. Good luck in the contest.


  • Haunted-Memory silver member
    March 30

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Excellent you have done a good job here with the word bank and created a poem that shows the reader that life is not whole until connected with their soul mate. I fill in your poem this is expressed well. We learn as we grow and search yet till we or connected with that one special person we are still lost. great flow best of luck in this contest Brian.

1 - 22 of 22