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Remember

Turned away from me, toward the open window,
toward the city and the sea
toward the sound of night-time revels
toward the sunset’s fading light
toward them all; away from me.
(in this half-light I can’t see his face)

It is too much
to walk over, to lay a hand on his arm.
To raise my voice, to ask that question;
“why?”

It is too much.

Motionless.
Silent.
Alone.

I want to say…
oh so many thing I want to say.
“Remember?”
I would say, “do you remember?”

But I am afraid.
Maybe he will not recall.
Or worse; he will remember those careless days
and wish they never were.

I remember…

I remember the beaches, the cliffs, the ocean
where we spent so many days.
(perhaps he will think “too many”)

        Traversing slippery rocks as the tide rises.
        I fall but he helps me up again.
        Clambering up, sidling across.
        He won’t tell where we are going;
        he only smiles.
        Nimble, he climbs up, as the wild sea douses us with stinging spray.
        (almost to scared to follow - what if I fall?)
        He reaches down to take my hand,
        I look up and see him grin
        as his dark hair whips across his face.

I should have told him what I thought.

        His hand is rough but his grip is strong,
        and his warm voice guides me up and up.
        At the top I stumble; he catches me by the waist.

I should have spoken then.

If I were to speak now, when he is turned away,
would it make a difference?
He is fading into the shadows;
just a ghostly shade.

        Lying together on the beach,
        his strong arms wrapped around me.
        He tells me “close your eyes” and I do
        but open them slightly just so I can see his face again.
        He sees me looking but only smiles,
        and gently bites me, a playful nip I barely feel but
        I love.

I remember.

I remember the sun on my skin,
(a burning kiss)
salt in the air,
sand in my hair
I remember…

If I were to break the silence,
and walk over to that open window.
If I were to close it, shut out the city and the sea,
shut out the sounds of rowdy revels
shut out the night, then turn on a light.
What would I see?

It is too much.

He turns to me.
I walk away.



By Pandorea

Author notes

Those indented bits would ideally be in italics but there you go.

This 'story' has been in my head for a while. All in this image of a guy on top of a rock-face a few metres high, leaning down to a girl, reaching out to her to help her climb up. He has longish dark hair which moves in the wild wind and when the sea-spray comes over the rocks she takes his hand and climbs up. True story. I wasn't the girl. I was too afraid and hung back. It's that one image that was the genesis of this poem. Weird, eh?

Pandorea. "I VOTED: Dane Cook"


A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 29 of 29

  • xCandieKissesx
    August 28
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    I should have told him what I thought.

    His hand is rough but his grip is strong,
    and his warm voice guides me up and up.
    At the top I stumble; he catches me by the waist.

    Beautiful. Good luck!

  • BorntothePurple
    August 4

    Edit | Reply
    Some great imagery, and a real honest feel to this. Much of it is straighforward, but it is all the stronger for that. Out of all the many 'relationship' poems I have ever read, this is by far one of the best. I really feel this poem is a cut above. Congratulations on all the trophies, they are well deserved. I especially liked it that you managed to take a subject that so many poets write about yet make it compelling and interesting, making it deep but also very accessible (sp?)

    I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for entering.

  • Lowercase Prelude gold member
    July 20
    Edit | Reply
    truly epic
    wonderful imagery

  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    I REALLY like this. You amaze you. So freaking much. If I had your talent, if die happy.

    10/10.

    don't ever change a thing in this poem.

  • John Doe
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    I like how organic your phrasing is - it isn't forced and you didn't box yourself into a rhyme scheme or a pointlessly strict meter. Well chosen. I also like your ending - it's almost nihilistic and it is certainly understated, which is a surprisingly profound way to end it. I've grown to expect much more drawn-out melodrama than merely "I walk away". Very nicely done there.

    The reason I wasn't crazy about this, despite its strengths, was that it was a little too drawn out up to that point. Sometimes less is more in stories - maybe each individual event doesn't have to be told. It seemed like you could have cut down some of the expository writing and just kept it leaner. That, however, is a judgment call, and so I leave that to you.

    Objections aside, this is still very interesting. Thanks for entering.


  • Midniterose
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I love it. If you can turn it into a novel, do it. I'd certainly read it. The imagery is wonderful and the emotion full. It's breath-taking. Keep on it, you're doing amazing!


  • XxXNeverxAgainXxX
    June 12
    Edit | Reply
    This was really compelling and I'm sure it would make a great story to read. Keep it up!

  • Broken Angel Shade gold member
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    Apparently this was a good write as this was hM silver an d bronze I know that I really liked it. Twas something that I could see happening . Thank you for sharing

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    June 8
    Edit | Reply
    Compelling reading. Congratulations on the bronze.


  • unmasked synergy
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    there is a realness to the personas tone that I just love, not mechanical at all but humanely fluid and taut with emotions- desire, fear, haunting regret... a few minor spelling errors, but all in all a well written piece
    thanks for entering here

  • Lotus-Mama silver member
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is wonderfully done, emotions come across strongly. Reminds me of a quote I just added to my page...

    "The only mistake in loving someone is not telling them the extent of that love in that moment that it is born... Love will not stick around even for a second of untruth."
    Terrence Davin Jetter

    Beautifully done, poet!


  • Poetdontknowit
    June 6

    Edit | Reply

    NICE.

    GREAT PENNING YOU NEED TO REOVE THE WRITE FROM THE OLD CONTEST THOUGH, i GOT CALLED A CONTEST WHORE FOR MINE BEING THAT WAY. i DON'T WANT PEOPLE NOT READING YOUR WRITING DUE TO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS THAT!
    POETDONTKNOWIT
    WRITING IT HER WAY

  • SpiritDarkmaiden
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! That's all I can say, just wow. The imagery in this piece is amazing, it painted pictures in my mind and left me hanging on your every word. Great write!

  • Chelsea Void
    May 29

    Edit | Reply
    I'm impressed by this. I love the little reminiscing indentation stories. It was the perfect expression of the girl's thoughts linked with the imagery of the stories. And it was so easy to connect to, to feel like while reading it you're there, you can feel it.


  • xCandieKissesx
    May 14
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful. Although very long, Beautiful. I love the imagery and flow. It really expressed the poem more. Thanks for your entry, and good luck!

    + Jackie

  • crazymomma
    May 8

    Edit | Reply
    I felt like I was reading a harlequin novel. This was sad but beautiful at the same time. Those would be precious memories to have. I love the ending too


  • DemonSpit
    April 30
    Edit | Reply
    i can like relaly imagine it
    i like all of it
    thanks for entering my contest

  • pappacass
    April 21

    Edit | Reply

    not weird at all

    this was a fantastic poem...i've never written free verse before but i made it to this round of the contest...lol
    so i entered one..UGH!! I LOSE...LOL


  • Kassandra Nyktos
    April 17
    Edit | Reply
    Wow......beautiful....I love this.

    To be re-visited on judging day


  • newnoakua
    April 15

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is great. I'm more of a standard rhyming fan but I actually enjoyed this peice.

    Congrats

  • Faithbound gold member
    April 14

    Edit | Reply
    The repetition in the beginning was a bit much for me. Your form seemed to work overall though. Thank you for the piece.

  • CarnalNineTailedFox
    April 14

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    this was very lovely! i like how in the end you're still being helped! thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! NineTailedFox

  • BuriedTreasures silver member
    April 11

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent imagery--well structured and versed--I enjoyed the first stanza in particular---Pulls you right in to go for the ride--Well Done--
    Again--Favorite stanza is:

    "Turned away from me, toward the open window,
    toward the city and the sea
    toward the sound of night-time revels
    toward the sunset’s fading light
    toward them all; away from me.
    (in this half-light I can’t see his face)"

    Well done and best of luck to you in the contest!


  • LadyDementia gold member
    April 5

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    Superbly penned piece, flows so smoothly. I am an avid rhymer so have found free verse very hard to do. You have written with ease...imagery is wonderful. Fantastic piece, good luck
  • The Inc
    April 3

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed the structure of this. Indeed, some very well penned thoughts. Love your expression.

    thanks for sharing with the group
    keep penning,

    ~The INC."

  • Luminescence
    April 2

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    oooooOOOOOOoooo I LOVED this... it was wonderful... you get a score of 10 out of 10.... next round for you!!

    Thank you so much for entering and participating in my contest and good luck.
    ~Lumin

  • LucyInTheSky
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    ok maybe it's just because of what i'm going through with a significant other right now, but this seriously has me getting all teary eyed. a beautiful write about regret (?). just a few grammatical errors. check it over and make sure you have the correct form of certain words such as "to" and "towards". i believe you should use "toward" but that might not be right. thanks for entering!

    • Pandorea
      April 2
      Edit | Reply
      i hope tings all go well with you and the other. thanks for pointing out those mistakes...i fixed up the "towards" and i'll get to the "to" when i have patience and time.

  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    The imagery is nicely done in here. I have to be honest and say I was not crazy on the repetition in the beginning, but I did enjoy reading. Nice job

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