Turned away from me, toward the open window,
toward the city and the sea
toward the sound of night-time revels
toward the sunset’s fading light
toward them all; away from me.
(in this half-light I can’t see his face)
It is too much
to walk over, to lay a hand on his arm.
To raise my voice, to ask that question;
“why?”
It is too much.
Motionless.
Silent.
Alone.
I want to say…
oh so many thing I want to say.
“Remember?”
I would say, “do you remember?”
But I am afraid.
Maybe he will not recall.
Or worse; he will remember those careless days
and wish they never were.
I remember…
I remember the beaches, the cliffs, the ocean
where we spent so many days.
(perhaps he will think “too many”)
Traversing slippery rocks as the tide rises.
I fall but he helps me up again.
Clambering up, sidling across.
He won’t tell where we are going;
he only smiles.
Nimble, he climbs up, as the wild sea douses us with stinging spray.
(almost to scared to follow - what if I fall?)
He reaches down to take my hand,
I look up and see him grin
as his dark hair whips across his face.
I should have told him what I thought.
His hand is rough but his grip is strong,
and his warm voice guides me up and up.
At the top I stumble; he catches me by the waist.
I should have spoken then.
If I were to speak now, when he is turned away,
would it make a difference?
He is fading into the shadows;
just a ghostly shade.
Lying together on the beach,
his strong arms wrapped around me.
He tells me “close your eyes” and I do
but open them slightly just so I can see his face again.
He sees me looking but only smiles,
and gently bites me, a playful nip I barely feel but
I love.
I remember.
I remember the sun on my skin,
(a burning kiss)
salt in the air,
sand in my hair
I remember…
If I were to break the silence,
and walk over to that open window.
If I were to close it, shut out the city and the sea,
shut out the sounds of rowdy revels
shut out the night, then turn on a light.
What would I see?
It is too much.
He turns to me.
I walk away.
By Pandorea
Author notes
Those indented bits would ideally be in italics but there you go.
This 'story' has been in my head for a while. All in this image of a guy on top of a rock-face a few metres high, leaning down to a girl, reaching out to her to help her climb up. He has longish dark hair which moves in the wild wind and when the sea-spray comes over the rocks she takes his hand and climbs up. True story. I wasn't the girl. I was too afraid and hung back. It's that one image that was the genesis of this poem. Weird, eh?
For the "Love" contest:
5) A gone wrong love; were things "perfect" and then things changed? They either stopped loving you or you stopped loving them?
A contest entry
- Rounds CONTEST 2nd ROUND!!!!! by Luminescence.
700 points, ended May 2, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Kassy's Fave's contest w00t! by Kassandra Nyktos.
600 points, ended April 24, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Persona Poems. by unmasked synergy.
1500 points, ended June 7, 2008, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unrequited by Chelsea Void.
525 points, ended May 31, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wake Up You're A Drama Queen! by ThisIsMyWonderland.
300 points, ended June 22, 2008, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write Me To Tears by SilentMoonlight.
2700 points, ended November 3, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lovvvvve by fake-or-real-smile.
550 points, ended November 3, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me laugh, make me cry by poetyaknoit.
600 points, ended December 20, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your break-up poems by trekkergirl.
400 points, ended January 5, 80 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - So Tangibly Intangible by Vaquerita.
700 points, ended January 21, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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this is good.
i like it. this is a nice story...typical...i see you in it in the second half...aloof but drawn toward this man... -
congrats on all the trohpies. They are well deserved. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering this into my contest. Good luck in the contest.
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Nice write. I can feel the things you see here. The imagery is poignant. Best of luck in the contest. Keep on writing, ~TC
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Thanks for entering my contest and being patient with me.
Why not include the genesis? Why not also include the descriptions of this story's characters/ instigators? I think it would make this poetic prose ideal. -
I should have told him what I thought.
His hand is rough but his grip is strong,
and his warm voice guides me up and up.
At the top I stumble; he catches me by the waist.
Beautiful. Good luck!
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Some great imagery, and a real honest feel to this. Much of it is straighforward, but it is all the stronger for that. Out of all the many 'relationship' poems I have ever read, this is by far one of the best. I really feel this poem is a cut above. Congratulations on all the trophies, they are well deserved. I especially liked it that you managed to take a subject that so many poets write about yet make it compelling and interesting, making it deep but also very accessible (sp?)
I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for entering. -
truly epic
wonderful imagery -
I REALLY like this. You amaze you. So freaking much. If I had your talent, if die happy.
10/10.
don't ever change a thing in this poem. -
I like how organic your phrasing is - it isn't forced and you didn't box yourself into a rhyme scheme or a pointlessly strict meter. Well chosen. I also like your ending - it's almost nihilistic and it is certainly understated, which is a surprisingly profound way to end it. I've grown to expect much more drawn-out melodrama than merely "I walk away". Very nicely done there.
The reason I wasn't crazy about this, despite its strengths, was that it was a little too drawn out up to that point. Sometimes less is more in stories - maybe each individual event doesn't have to be told. It seemed like you could have cut down some of the expository writing and just kept it leaner. That, however, is a judgment call, and so I leave that to you.
Objections aside, this is still very interesting. Thanks for entering.
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Wow. I love it. If you can turn it into a novel, do it. I'd certainly read it. The imagery is wonderful and the emotion full. It's breath-taking. Keep on it, you're doing amazing!
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This was really compelling and I'm sure it would make a great story to read. Keep it up!
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Apparently this was a good write as this was hM silver an d bronze I know that I really liked it. Twas something that I could see happening . Thank you for sharing
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Compelling reading. Congratulations on the bronze.
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there is a realness to the personas tone that I just love, not mechanical at all but humanely fluid and taut with emotions- desire, fear, haunting regret... a few minor spelling errors, but all in all a well written piece
thanks for entering here
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This is wonderfully done, emotions come across strongly. Reminds me of a quote I just added to my page...
"The only mistake in loving someone is not telling them the extent of that love in that moment that it is born... Love will not stick around even for a second of untruth."
Terrence Davin Jetter
Beautifully done, poet!
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NICE.
GREAT PENNING YOU NEED TO REOVE THE WRITE FROM THE OLD CONTEST THOUGH, i GOT CALLED A CONTEST WHORE FOR MINE BEING THAT WAY. i DON'T WANT PEOPLE NOT READING YOUR WRITING DUE TO SOMETHING AS STUPID AS THAT!
POETDONTKNOWIT
WRITING IT HER WAY -
WOW! That's all I can say, just wow. The imagery in this piece is amazing, it painted pictures in my mind and left me hanging on your every word. Great write!
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I'm impressed by this. I love the little reminiscing indentation stories. It was the perfect expression of the girl's thoughts linked with the imagery of the stories. And it was so easy to connect to, to feel like while reading it you're there, you can feel it.
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Beautiful. Although very long, Beautiful. I love the imagery and flow. It really expressed the poem more. Thanks for your entry, and good luck!
+ Jackie -
I felt like I was reading a harlequin novel. This was sad but beautiful at the same time. Those would be precious memories to have. I love the ending too
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i can like relaly imagine it
i like all of it
thanks for entering my contest -
not weird at all
this was a fantastic poem...i've never written free verse before but i made it to this round of the contest...lol
so i entered one..UGH!! I LOSE...LOL
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Wow......beautiful....I love this.
To be re-visited on judging day
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Wow, this is great. I'm more of a standard rhyming fan but I actually enjoyed this peice.
Congrats
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The repetition in the beginning was a bit much for me. Your form seemed to work overall though. Thank you for the piece.
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this was very lovely! i like how in the end you're still being helped! thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! NineTailedFox
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Excellent imagery--well structured and versed--I enjoyed the first stanza in particular---Pulls you right in to go for the ride--Well Done--
Again--Favorite stanza is:
"Turned away from me, toward the open window,
toward the city and the sea
toward the sound of night-time revels
toward the sunset’s fading light
toward them all; away from me.
(in this half-light I can’t see his face)"
Well done and best of luck to you in the contest!
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Superbly penned piece, flows so smoothly. I am an avid rhymer so have found free verse very hard to do. You have written with ease...imagery is wonderful. Fantastic piece, good luck
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I really enjoyed the structure of this. Indeed, some very well penned thoughts. Love your expression.
thanks for sharing with the group
keep penning,
~The INC." -
oooooOOOOOOoooo I LOVED this... it was wonderful... you get a score of 10 out of 10.... next round for you!!
Thank you so much for entering and participating in my contest and good luck.
~Lumin -
ok maybe it's just because of what i'm going through with a significant other right now, but this seriously has me getting all teary eyed. a beautiful write about regret (?). just a few grammatical errors. check it over and make sure you have the correct form of certain words such as "to" and "towards". i believe you should use "toward" but that might not be right. thanks for entering!
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i hope tings all go well with you and the other. thanks for pointing out those mistakes...i fixed up the "towards" and i'll get to the "to" when i have patience and time.
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The imagery is nicely done in here. I have to be honest and say I was not crazy on the repetition in the beginning, but I did enjoy reading. Nice job
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