`
your body is
a star not far from mine,
secretly, i have woven
blue ribbon flares
in your feminine surface –
just to notice me,
and you prefer to keep me
as a shadow of your moon.
hands of time lose its breath
all i can do is watch,
sleep with silence,
listen to your last words
as you wither away -
from me.
`
Author notes
Written March 29, 2008
A contest entry
- Poetry only by Dahlia Tremaine.
425 points, ended April 1, 2008, 27 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ode to a dying star [still contemplation] by Naridill.
1800 points, ended April 8, 2008, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I wonder? Hmm..
Your whole poem seems to me, all metaphors inclusive, a metaphor as a whole. Which of the implications may I infer is the ultimate theme of the poem? Is the beloved actually leaving by dying or is it the relationship that's dying? I like these slightly ambiguous poems the leave the interpretation with me and doesn't hit over the head with too explicit statements. The title is intriguing. At first I thought it might be about MM. Excellent work.
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I simply loved every line. Your deserving every piece of trophy your getting for this poem right here. Simply excellent!
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hmm this is truly beautiful however the sadness is so intense...as you said it with this line
"and you prefer to keep me
as a shadow of your moon"
hmm not all beautiful can make us happy...
nakakalungkot
Anna Lee
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what a lovely, and sweet melancholy this has! the trophies are well deserved!!!
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I love this - I think from the Gold I gave you awhile ago that it was obvious. But I thought I would comment, sorry I didn't back then. Your poetry always moves me but this one, especially, hit the spot.
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How did I miss this one of yours, Hensley... it's beautiful and it's sad and haunting... that feeling of being so close, yet so far away.... and silent too.
Really loved this one. Excellent metaphorical piece of writing (I've always loved stars in poetry)
~ Nicolette
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This is hauntingly special-congrats on your trophieslol
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So sad, but yet so beautiful at the sametime. It is so touching.Well done
Crafty
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Wow...so much sadnes written within stars...written by a star...
You're a very good poet...I will come check on your poetry for sure...it's beautiful expressed in words...
XXJeannette
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sad, yet so beautiful... I was just reading Cummings' "I like my body when it is with you body"... and then I see body in your poem, lol!
The opening is just so beautiful, Hensley... this speaks to me too, and I believe that is a very good quality of a poet and the poem... when the readers can relate to the piece.
Lovely, Hensley, very.
- namita
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Stellar words, well-deserving to be eclipsed by gold.
Kj
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-hands of time loses its breath
lose their. again, to have the tenses flow.
very very well done.
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Excellent work! Congratulations on the bronze.
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Sigh. I can relate. I just pray to God that it's a mere illusion, that it isn't really happening...
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excellent, clear, sad.....I feel like it speaks to me..all your poems do that
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...nicex
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