The shadow
who spread out upon earth,
out upon every mountain
that was never fully climbed,
seemed a little darker
then the rest of afternoon.
Attempting to trace it
into a full silhouette
had the distinct impossibility
of seeing god before death,
but beauty like the biggest circle
of fairy mushrooms
in sharpened autumn.
[But it was not a profile –
no walls of eyelashes watching the wind,
or sudden outburst of a nose that greedily
stopped to smell every flower;
no, this was a front on outline
of a simple torso
and a head, just barely sitting
on shoulders.]
The birds who sat midway
up the mountain; but never dared
go to bottom or top,
saw the figure coloured charcoal
and assumed it to be somekind of Jesus.
They met each other and formed
a heart shape, and flew into the centre
where with every passing second
they outstretched, then squeezed together;
the shadow reacted by falling,
collapsing as the self-conscious sun
hid behind the humming horizon,
allowing moon to overcome
his rule.
And I awoke, standing on a hilltop,
my legs and arms streaching into
the faintest shape of a star.
It was night, and the real ones
were staring down at me,
whispering infidelities.
Author notes
Ryan | Ryno | 6 & 8 |
A contest entry
- Whisper Me A Poem by MuddyKing.
600 points, ended April 10, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Idol 9: Best of the Best by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended June 10, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - November Rounds by CitrineSunrise.
700 points, ended November 12, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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There was amazing imagery in this poem. I enjoyed your use of poetic devices in moderation and the last line provided a memorable ending. There were some minor grammar glitches, but overall this was a very effective work. I look forward to reading your writing in the next round. Peace, Liz
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Wow I really like it! The imagery is outstanding and everything is beautifully worded! I'm not sure I fully understood it but I really like it that way. Well done!
WritingFree
Good luck! -
beauty, like the biggest circle of fairy mushrooms - Oh how much I love that visual.
no walls of eyelashes washing the wind - extraordinary use of words here. Very ethereal visions presented in this graphic stunner. I enjoyed this very much. Your last line, as was meant to do, left me uneasy in the breezy feel of drifting into sin.
Nice work. ~Pamela
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I like this alot, the imagery alone is delightful. The words flow easily but gently, yet the write is intense
Well done
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182
First off: use spell check. lol & also look over your poem. Somewhere you said "then" and should have said "than" - then you spelled 'stretching' wrong.
besides that, very well done. i liked the imagery - but felt it was kind of overdone in some spots - like in the beginning. But the middle was good, and I thought you had a great closing.
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you know I don't blame you for entering this in other contests as it is an excellent piece...the language and depth is something I hadn't though would come from this prompt...pleasant surprise
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i thought of the film 2001 here with the dream imagery, the monolith being looked at by early mankind. a good piece of poetry.
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You know what I think aready - this is all ewwy and yuck and urghhh *vomits*
Man, what is up to you - NO LOVE!!!
Haha, but for me to read a love poem, that must really be something. I actually like how when reading this, you felt light and simply wanted to go to sleep and dream of it - the imagery is intense, yet subtle and layered properly. You are a painter of words
Never ♥
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Whoa! The imagery here is so compelling. I was completely drawn into this scene, this mysterious dream.
Stunning description and mood. Excellent stuff!
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