[Finding Light.][Part 1234.]

Part 1: Broken mirrors.

I caressed every mirror I passed,
Savoring my pained expression
      Letting it leave a bittersweet taste
In my mouth as I passed.
[It tasted like blood.]

My reflection slanted sideways
In the [fun house] mirrors;
    I watched the beauty
[How I wish that was really me]
Drunkenly dismayed by the
Alcohol; and high on,
  “Love.”
It seemed my eyes were too sunken in,
  My stomach had too much fat,
Or skin [whatever the hell it was.]
  Flaws were beautiful then, when all mirrors
Were straight from the [traveling circuses]...
But that was only when I was drunk.

Part 2: Icy windows.

Every night I would sit
  In front of the frosted window in my bedroom.
I pretended I was one of black [shapeless] birds
Flying in the twilight,
    Or one of the sparkling street lights
[That were really just a blur,]
Down the road a few miles away.
The ice that covered the window seemed to me
Like something to conceal every sharp
    Edge the outside presented to me.
And nobody from that cold, frozen world
Could see me back.

What is Jesus trying to hide from me?
    Sitting on the floor,
Grasping the windowsill
In pain [while I bled a little more]
Seemed dangerous enough.
Wiping away the blood that felt like
    [A chemical
Sliding down my wrist,]
Just spread the damage.
      Inside this dreary house I had felt everything.
I pulled sleeves down over burn marks
  Caused by the acid-blood,
Felt the walls crushing down on me
    As I slept.
Icy windows couldn’t cover up
Anything worse than that.

Part 3: Curtains.

I laid in my room for hours
With nothing to do, the curtains
    Drawn.
The darkness felt soothing to me,
  I liked how it could mask my insecurities,
How it helped me pretend I wasn’t
              Myself.

Nothing could amount to the
Loneliness I felt those days.
      The white walls felt like a
Penitentiary,
  I was locked in my own room, myself,
And there was nobody to come
And pick me up;
    I had nobody.

I wanted someone to lay with me
In my [curtained] room, or to
    Lift me from the
Stained floor and hug me,
  And promise everything would be okay.

But everybody left.
  [Claimed I drove them off;]
Even my own Mommy and Daddy couldn’t
Look me in the face.
  I guess they were disgusted by me,
Ashamed to see me, or to even talk to me.
[I was a monster.]
    Only my pillow could wipe away
My tears.
And blood.

Part 4: Finding Light.

I danced up and down
  The stairs.
My dim room was a thing of the past,
And I never looked over my shoulder to see
      That room.
I wore love like bracelets,
  I let them cover up the scars and
[Finally healing] scabs.
            Mommy laughed.
She smiled and looked into my eyes.
“Your eyes are shiny today.”
  That was as good as an “I love you.”

All the colors seemed sharper, every shade
Strengthened.
    Oh how beautiful it was, I wanted
To lay on the ground forever.
    Even at night when the stars
Were every color of the rainbow.
  [Spread like tiny jewels.]
The white airplane trails skewed across the sky
Reminded me of the scars on my wrist...



Then I woke up.
    It figures that
Only dreams



[Will show me what love is.]
♥