"Whenever the moon and stars are set
And the sun has gone to bed
And the night has come, and the land is dark"
that's what my mother said
"You'll see them come from out of the rain
When the moon hangs overhead
When the stars shine bright throughout the night,"
that's what my mother said
"His clothes are as dark as the night is black
But his cape is the deepest red
And his skin is as white as snow, I've heard"
that's what my mother said
"Her eyes glow bright like a prowling cat's
Her feet have a cat's silent tread
And she creeps up unheard from out of the rain"
that's what my mother said
"They stand together beneath the stars
And stare at the moon overhead
And through the rain you can hear them sing"
that's what my mother said
"And when the moon and stars grow tired
And the sun gets out of bed
You'll watch them dissolve back into the rain"
that's what my mother said
Last night, when the moon and stars were set
And the sun had gone to bed
I saw them come from out of the rain
Just like my mother said
Author notes
I'm a torchwood fan (that might be obvious) so 'they came from out of the rain' just popped straight into my head when I read this first line. The rest flowed straight out. I've never attempted anything like this before, but I think it turned out OK.
A contest entry
- Second Index of First Lines by Keith.
525 points, ended April 12, 2008, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-writes Rounds Contest by DancingStar.
400 points, ended October 23, 66 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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That is a spooky story, and I love the repetition of "that's what my mother said." This would be a wonderful song. Congratulations on HM.
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I Agree the repetition works well with this piece and helps to carry the story along.well done a most enjoyable read Good luck in the contest
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Well done indeed. The constant repetition works very well. And R.L. Stevenson' original has a nightmarish quality which you have captured in yours:
Windy Nights
Whenever the moon and stars are set,
Whenever the wind is high,
All night long in the dark and wet,
A man goes riding by.
Late in the night when the fires are out,
Why does he gallop and gallop about?
Whenever the trees are crying aloud,
And ships are tossed at sea,
By, on the highway, low and loud,
By at the gallop goes he.
By at the gallop he goes, and then
By he comes back at the gallop again.
Thanks for entering.
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This is wonderful.
Great in fact. The flow is smooth and even and the rhymes effortless. Quite a distinguished effort. Keep writing; you are obviously very talented.
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Thankyou. I wasn't sure if the repeated line would make the ovrall effect boring, but I think it worked well.
Thanks for your kind comments and applause!
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