deep blue sea

Right. Left. Right. Left. Repeat. Repeat. Forward; don’t look back. Still forward-walk. Faster. Not too fast, don’t fall.

Don’t fall.

Distraction is sometimes necessary. What’s the name of that song? How does it go? Amazing grace…wretch…like me. Beautiful-keep going. Don’t stop, just think. Think harder.  Don’t look suspicious. Don’t cry…don’t you dare cry. They deserved it, you know that. You know that, so don't feel sorry. Don’t be weak.

The bus is here; climb on. Don’t look in the driver’s eyes, just drop the money. Drop it! Not too quickly, don’t draw attention to yourself. Good girl. Wonderful girl, now sit. Close to the front, eyes on the ground. Scratch that-the window.

“Don’t want to look out the window”.

Stop talking. Not another fucking word. Not one. Look out the window…good. The bus is moving. See how strange people look when the bus is moving? Like they’re walking backwards; but they’re not. You’re just moving forward. You’re moving. You’re going faster.

A sailor went to sea, sea, sea, to see what he could see, see, see-

Don’t stop singing; it’s nice.

“I want to go home”.

You want to go home? You have no home you sick little shit! Keep singing.

“Daddy’s going to be so mad”. No, no, no, no, no-

Stop talking! He will be, he will be mad. He’s always mad. See what you are you’ve done? Just stop. Just look at the people walking backwards. Isn’t it funny?

“Too fast”. What do you mean ‘too fast’?

“The bus is too fast now. There are no more people”. Your father was right, you are a dumb bitch. Look on the bus, baby; there are lots of people.

“Not moving”. No, of course they’re not moving now. They have no reason to move. If you want them to move, you have to make them yourself. You have no one but yourself.

“Mommy will save me”. Mommy is dead sweetheart…remember the blood.

“She didn’t love me”. Of course she didn’t love you, now are you going to do it or not?

“Or not”. But all that he could see, see, see-

Or not. Are you really going to let these people get away with hurting you? Are you going to let them stop you? Do it! Do it now! They don’t love you. They don’t care about you. Where were they last winter? You remember last winter, don’t you?  The dark-

“Was so dark”. You hate the dark don’t you? Do it. I know you can. Stand up…good honey, very good. Now show them what you have…pull it out…excellent.

“Screaming”. Yeah…isn’t it fantastic.? Choose one…anyone. Choose one and take them down.

“Beautiful blue eyes”. Her? You want her? I like her too; go ahead.

“Her blood is not as red as mommy’s blood. Not as skeptical”. Of course it isn’t. Why would she be skeptical? Now someone else.

“The bus isn’t moving anymore”. No, of course it’s not. You got their attention
baby. It’s not going to move anymore. Make sure they know who’s in charge.

“You are”. Yes. Now keep going. Very good. So much blood. So much fear. It’s seeping into the floor and into the walls and into the roof. It’s contagious; the people outside better watch out.

“No more people; no more moving”. It’s okay, you can drive. You’re a good driver. I like it when you drive. Me too. I like it when I drive too. Let’s leave, let’s drive away.

They’re walking backwards again.  Look at the people waving. Look at them screaming and running after you. They like you. No they love me. I love them too. They’re my people.

I think it might rain…might flood even. Then I would see my mother; she would be a fish in the bottom of the deep blue sea, sea, sea. She would be a beautiful fish, and it would be funny.

It would be so funny. Then I could eat her. It wouldn’t be cannibalism then. Not if she was a fish.