She was beautiful...
Dancing like a winter breeze
across snow-capped evergreens.
She really caught your eye,
an outstanding diamond,
very rough...
She called to him....
One person watching all the while.
Her self expression blatantly
ripped
from her very fingertips.
She, unaware...
Slowly she melted in the darkness.
Crumpled to the floor,
he saw her weep -
he saw her all alone.
If only he could hold her sorrow,
devour her darkness...
and in the darkness her skin did crawl
An unknown presence struck her present;
she was not alone.
She was no longer sad, for now,
while fear crept up her spine;
she shivered.
Her scent so fresh,
her virgin flesh,
all for the taking,
just arms length -
The dark is rife with laughter,
screams,
heated lust
and scuffles.
It isn't long:
she is subdued,
his way will soon begin...
He watched her
limp and frail form...
... debating whether to taste
or take
first.
He ponders
only briefly...
then steals her soul,
breaks the skin,
tears her heart;
Forcing his way -
he maims her,
she cries, hurt.
Hot salty tears
of anger,
shame
and broken trust
sparkle on the ground
far below.
As he walks away from
the remains of
an unmoving figure...
Her muscles torn,
her face in shreds,
her clothes in tatters,
skin demolished...
Spirit released into
the dark, dark wilderness
unleashed
by some seriously
deranged Fuck.
... he simply smiles ...
Author notes
Well - I can't judge this at the moment. Critisisms??
In a list
A contest entry
- A Darker Poetry Contest II by -BlackKnight-.
300 points, ended April 8, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honestly, now....
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Wow......
this is actually pretty intense, i love how you wrote it so it reads fast paced. Very thrilling.....kudos on the write
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Wow very powerful piece. You have weaved together some fine words, producing stunning imagery. Has an air of sadness to it yet superbly penned
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"Slowly she melted in the darkness.
Crumpled to the floor,
he saw her weep -
he saw her all alone.
If only he could hold her sorrow,
devour her darkness...
and in the darkness her skin did crawl"
This (using the term "darkness" three times in such a small space), along with dull, matter-of-fact descriptions found within this poem, killed any interest of mine in it. -
wow!
Thats a grat descriptive poem. It takes innocence and shows just how delicate it is. I really enjoyed it...if that is the right word.
Best of luck
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I really enjoyed the story line. The structure was well done. Some of the wording, however:
"The dark is rife with laughter,"
Here I would use something more evocative than "rife". A few suggestions that might make it sound a little better - raging, thronged, alive.
"debating whether to taste
or take
first."
I would reverse this to be - take or taste. When I read it in reverse like that it flows better.
"As he walks away from
the remains of
an unmoving figure."
I love this line, but to make it a little more powerful, remnants instead of remains, that gives it a darker quality to me.
Other than that, I really love this piece. It kept me interested and I wanted to get to the end to see what happened. Well done
Definitely makes me want to read more of your work!
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