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Memories, locked in my heart





Time was precious, too much spent apart
chance of creating more long gone
these memories, now locked in my heart.

I knew soon, this earth you would depart
pain and anguish needed to end, still
time was precious, too much spent apart.

We celebrated our fresh start.
Watching our shows, shopping and coffee,
these memories now locked in my heart.

Her beckoning smile a work of art
hugs so warm now gratified. Our
time was precious, too much spent apart.

Partially wishing an end to it all
wanting her free, happy again.
These memories now locked in my heart.

Tears come every once in a while,
on occasion naturally grieving.
Time was precious, too much spent apart,
these memories now locked in my heart.











Author notes

Written in the form of a --

Villanelle--

A Villanelle is a nineteen-line poem consisting of a very specific rhyming scheme:
aba aba aba aba aba abaa.
The first and the third lines in the first stanza are repeated in alternating order throughout the poem, and appear together in the last couplet (last two lines).



The Option chosen is Number 8--- Write a poem inspired by the title.....and I also used it within my poem


Written for and dedicated to my mother Renele. R.I.P.

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • N e a r
    May 26, 2008

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    I am not knowledgable with form poetry as of yet but I could tell near the ending that this had to be! This has an excellent flow and style to it. I like how you give a common topic to the poem but mold it into something new and refreshing.
    "We celebrated our fresh start.
    Watching our shows, shopping and coffee,
    these memories now locked in my heart."
    I loved this part... even just the scenery is capturing.
    I could say the repeition was best for this piece, but that is what is meant to be there. So I'll leave it at that.
    I think the title is way too long. I think just "Words Do Not Give Justice" is strong enough.. I feel that would be more of a shocking capture than the bulkier title.
    Thanks for entering & good luck!


    • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
      May 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I am not too knowledable myself..but I am learning & growing..it has taught me so much about flow, so you saying that proves it all over again hehe

      I too don't like that title..i get stuck when it comes to title in reference to poems bout like my mum that passed etc...But you have got me thinking and looking at it...If I change it I will msg you just to you don't get confused lol


  • Heavens Child
    April 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A nicely penned piece. A poem that obviously holds much meaning and emotion. Best wishes and thank you for entering.


  • Metaphorist
    April 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful work. What bothered me was the "b" lines (aba aba aba aba aba abaa) did not rhyme. Other than that, well done. Thanks for entering.


  • 2lullabyhaven
    April 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Mellow and sweet - thanks for your entrylol


  • Blossom
    April 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is very nice. I love the stanzas and the whole villanelle organization. you did a great job! thanks for entering!


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    April 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my gosh sis... that has brought me to tears!! What a beautiful and touching tribute to your mum...

    The form suits this so much as the repetitive lines just add emphasis to the emotions poured out here.

    So very beautiful!

  • ecrivain01
    April 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Not bad, but ...

    this line bothers me a lot:

    I knew soon, this earth you would depart

    I normally mention in the rules that I hate inverted lines like this one, but this time I was in a hurry and forgot. Anyway, you could fix this or at least make it sound more normal:

    Too soon, from Earth, I knew you'd depart

    would sound far more like normal English.

    The only other major thing I notice is line two. The stanza itself is very strained:

    Time was precious, too much spent apart;
    chance of creating more long gone (no one can "create" time)
    these memories, now locked in my heart.

    You could try this:

    Time was precious, too much spent apart;
    lost opportunities, togetherness gone --
    the memories are still locked in my heart.


    Losing a mother is a very difficult experience, and you've managed to convey that without this becoming overwhelmingly maudlin, which is something to be proud of. All in all, not bad.

    Thanks for entering this contest.


  • poppa
    April 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What a beautiful and moving tribute to your Mum hun definitely a labour of love this write .....big sssssss

    Rob...

1 - 11 of 11