the day opens
like a movie
a woman stands in
sunshine smoking
trees lean in
for a close-up
they drop leaves
on the woman's head
the cat pounces
on a paper bag
a man appears
like a rain cloud
they stand together
looking at a lemon tree
A contest entry
- weekend contest - 15 lines or less by tara wilson.
700 points, ended March 31, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
sometimes not much happens
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Simple, yet it has motion, like a movie. To me, this is a moment in time, seemingly minute, yet is so vast we can't even begin to understand. Nice job!--Kellt
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Excellent!
Wonderful poem! It describes the 'random nothingness' of the day. Well Done
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I like this! Odd it may be, but I love how all the action is happening around the woman, even the trees lean in for a close up!
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this is not my personal type of poetry to read or write but i think this works, i just read it about five times then and was thinking on it, you say 'like a movie' in the poem, i thought more of a photograph as you are stating what is happening here. a good piece.
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Ok you state you want truth on your writes, because you want to get published ...
You should work on capitial letters and punctuations.
Not sure I am crazy about this write to be honest. Sorry... -
Great imagery! Originally I thought it a bit odd, but when I read it again I loved the simplicity of it. Very nice.
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ODD
Well, i'm a bit odd, so no wonder the poem is! Thanks for reading it.
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>.> You have some . . . avid readers.
The title read as part of the poem (in a way) and that intrigued me, which is always a good way to start a poem.
You probably didn't mean to do this, but the fact that the woman and man are looking at a lemon tree and not the trees that are dropping leaves on her head (maybe trying to get her attention?) suggests a sort of plot . . . well, at least to me. Maybe I'm looking a little too deep.
Well, it is well written anyway, even if it has me going off on a tangent about a part of your poem that doesn't exist.
Well done.
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PS: I think Hoopstar below me in the comment box just exploded all over the place...you have a mop and bucket?
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and here I've been struggling all weekend to write for this contest and everything I wanted to write...is already here
Your poetry is beautiful...in the way
that silver dollar holes in a ceiling are beautiful...Lane
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Amazing
I really really liked this. Do you ever get that feeling of excitement when you come across an unexpectedly good poem? Yeah, I got that here.
Your simplistic way of writing is very effective, and coupled with the way you framed the poem "like a movie," the reader doesn't need excessive detail to picture the scene in their mind's eye.
At first glance, I for some reason thought of Frank O'Hara via "A Step Away From Them" (which may have been the mention of movies and the simple narrative structure), but I've come to the conclusion that this might be the poetic love child of William Carlos Williams and Frank O'Hara.
Fantastic write.
-CJ
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Still Life in Verse
Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat! -
well well, this is quite nice. sometimes I am amazed at the thoughts that people put together. I liked the idea of opening like a movie.
well done pen on poet,
creatress
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WOW THIS IS GREAT
WOW THIS IS GREAT LIKE OMG!! THIS IS SOOOO GOOD!! KEEP WRITING UKELOVA!!! SERIOUSLY!! WOW THIS IS GREAT!!!!!! LIKE OMG WOW.. THIS IS SERIOUSLY GREAT!!! I LOVE IT!!! OMG!! I JUST ABSOULUTLY LUV IT!! WOW!!! SO BEUTIFUL!! NOTHING TO CRITIZE IT FOR!! ITS JUST BEUTIFUL!! GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST!! I HOPE THAT U WIN!!!I KNOW U WILL THO!!! BCUZ THISS POEMM IS SOOOO LIKE SOOOO GOOD!! WOW!! I JUST CANT STOP SAYING WOW!! LOL!!! THIS IS SOOO GOOD!! ANYWAY MUCH LOVE AND HOPE U WIN!!!
--xxhoopstar21xx
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I like the way you have described, or set, a scene, with no comments on what the protagonists are doing there, leaving it totally up to the reader to furnish details. Nice. I like /trees lean in/, can see a camera angle there, and the final stanza which puts them together, doing the same thing, but somehow still apart.
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you may wish to consider using a plain background for this fine poem, iaw the rules.
I like this poem; immensely i like it. It has a nice structure. The stanzas, are, with the exception of the second and final stanzas, a noun phrase followed by a verb phrase (i use the terms loosely, as I am not a linguist), however, what makes this effective is that two people, a man and a woman are mentioned in the two paragraphs which strikingly differ from the other two line stanzas, or couplets: both lines are active, involve real motion and activity of one kind or another. So not much is happening, except, perhaps much is happening among not much happening. Also leaves fall on her head, a cat pounces on a bag ... you do this twice with adjacent stanzas to enhance the stanza which involves the person. The sky is in a certain way, yet a cloud metaphor is used for the man.
I think much is going on in this poem, making the title ironic. I think they are in love or going to be in love or there is a dark side to their relationship (the dark cloud) which effects her directly, and her peaceful repose beneath the sun.
very intriguing and made me think.. I like this style of poetry. Some call this 'edgy poetry', i think. I call it good poetry.
thank you for this intriguing poem in the contest
,,,Moqui -
A nice warm summer day, Can imagine the scene in my head. Wish I was there.
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Nice immagery... It painted a clear picture of the scene in my head. I liked it a lot! Good luck for the contest!
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