Clad in a skintight
Manchester United football shirt
sporting a curly royal blue wig-
she trots towards me.
Duty - free cigarette
wedged between 2 fat sausages
demanding her usual-
buttered
on both sides, crispy.
She continues to smoke
fart
and force fake 40 a day laughs from her back bacon lips-
until the rashers hit the Hovis
with their customary
crackle.
She then berates me
for forgetting to take some belly pork from the freezer
in time to defrost for her tea
before (on spotting a smudge on the oven door)
firing into
yet another flabbergasting diatribe
regarding the importance of health and hygiene in
a "professional" kitchen.
I hope United get hammered this afternoon.
Author notes
POM. The hypocrisy of those in charge, and cannibalism I suppose, surely a first for the PO series, hehe. Hovis is a brand of bread.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended March 31, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Inspire me; Anything Goes by wolfcub.
450 points, ended April 16, 2008, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Need A Laugh by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended April 29, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bonnie Bollox by Edna Sweetlove.
300 points, ended June 24, 2008, 2 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - #106 Turn green to gold by daviscth.
300 points, ended July 14, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn your Green Trophies into Bronze, Silver or Gold (2) by FloridaGatorQueen.
600 points, ended July 17, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme Your Imagination!! Give Me Your Descriptions! by Chocolate Chip.
650 points, ended October 2, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - how our emotions shape us by nite stalker.
450 points, ended October 7, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fabulously Funny by dustytiger.
900 points, ended November 12, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Humour 2 by georgie.
650 points, ended November 18, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - make me laugh/smile by Philleebee8.
800 points, ended November 26, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Time to upgrade those green shinies again! by Nicada.
1000 points, ended December 11, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Laugh by poets whisper.
700 points, ended January 26, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GIVE ME SOME LAUGHS!!! by Mrs D.
650 points, ended February 10, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I need a good laugh or two or three or etc... so come on in and make me laugh already, PW welcome. Big Points by echo-ink.
1300 points, ended June 25, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold, Sweet Gold!!! by white stone.
500 points, ended April 12, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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What!?! This is pure insanity! It's a rollicking ride of rudeness and laughter, so it is. Thanks for entering!!
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i dont the humour in poe,m,.....
but thx 4 entering
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This is interesting and quite funny. The imagery used is very good too. Thanks so much for entering. Blessings, Patty
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lol... love it... and anyone that hates MU is ok by me... go liverpooooooooooool!!!
hugs,
georgie,
xxx -
lol, brit humour love it!
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TeeHee
This certainly tickled my funny bone!!
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very interesting concept, gave me a chuckle
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LOL This is actually funny and interesting to me. I loved the ending. Enjoyed the read! Thank you for entering my contest.
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Hello. Graphic write, sounds like a back street greasy cafe god knows what a person would get, certainly not food by the sounds of it, ahaha. My regards.
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Thank you for posting in my contest. I enjoyed reading your entry.
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Yes Hovis is a "kind" of bread. A repellent tasteless kind beloved of dimwits who don't realise it's crap.
Nice poem.
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Didn't find this very funny. It is my personal opinion, though. Someone else may disagree. Thansk for entering.
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Crazy good/bad imagery. Groovy words and metaphors and yet somehow I am still hungry.
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And this one works really well too (I'm assuming you're also the 'Aah, nectar' person?)
I love the last line! -
God! I busted a gut over some of your descriptions! This is priceless.
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(was really shocked not to see this place in the top 3!)
Well done and congrats! -
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Me too, hehe, blame that beanbuyer, lol.
, congrats on yours. thumbup*
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Oh, my..this made me laugh out loud! I'm American, but have watched enough of the BBC network to appreciate the not so subtle humor in this. Congratulations on your HM award.
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Hehe...this is great! I laughed, and laughed...you've got great imagery to relate the picture of this individual, and though some of your references probably went over my head, there is plenty here I can appreciate.
Outside of the missing "s" on "get" in your last line, there is nothing major to critique here. I'm not fond of the scattered format on the page, but it reads well despite that, much to my surprise. Wonderful choices of adjectives that give this a crisp and clean feel. I think I will let my scores, revealed in the final notes of the contest, speak the rest.
Thanks for once again bringing us not only a wonderful write, but some much-needed laughter!
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to re-enact this for my Husbear.....and as she passes by the walk-in fridge, she clumsily takes out a pack a sausage for her afternoon tea.......noticing a smudge on the commercial oven door.......as if she should be worried about ANYTHING, except someone actually seeing her in her half tagged-on blue wig!
....and all the time, never to lose the long ash on her fag....and farting as she leaves the kitchen and employess behind to die from laughter ~
OMG....This had me in stitches all the way through :)
I have to agree with islekine.....*gets*.... ~
OMG....I am still grinning ear-to-ear reading this back to my husbear....again!
Nothing to ctritique here......simply one of the best reads thus far.....but will it earn high scores in all of MY categories which I use to score your entry?
Let's see :)
Good luck Poet,
Bear ~
Title 10...perfect ~
Flow 9.75
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 9.5
Grammar 9.6
Presentation 9.7...I enjoyed your format, vs proper lineage
Uncommonness 10...I wish I could give more :)
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.55
Well done!
..Bravo!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I'm still grinning like a cheshire cat at your comment, hehehe.
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Again, very unique! I don't think I've ever heard of either of these as a theme for a poem. This brought a smile to my face too, as I imagined facing this individual, and all the consequences and characteristics you portray. A clearly different enty, in every sense of the word! Your flow reverts between shorter and longer phrases, but as you're telling a short view or snapshot, I think it still works. Thanks for entering!
My Scores:
Theme: 10
Title: 9
Rules: 10
Spelling/grammar: 9
Flow: 9
Language Use: 9
Depth: 8
Ponder Effect: 9
Imagery: 8.5
Imagination: 9.5
Total Scores: 91
Remember, once a judge has touched your poem, no editing please! Joy
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Such vivid and vibrant image you present of this United soccer fan. Sensual in that the senses are involved - seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, very creative write.
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Me too come on Chelsea....
Really interesting write here...
Reminds me so much about being home in the UK...
Gods I am glad I am in Africa.....lol
Good luck
Simon
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Love this...the visuals I got LMAO, fab write. All the best in the contest with it
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I think I got it
A tourist heading fot Miami. Well maybe returning from. Very discriptive by your wording of this and well, just don't let the Turkeys ruffle your feathers.
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I get the feeling
that this Manchester United fan is related to the peacock in "Tales from Everytown".
Could I be mistaken? Maybe, but there sure seems to be a family resemblance.
Nice job of characterization. You really make your subjects come to life.
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Oh Floorboards! what have you done?(lol)Who is that woman in the most sacred of shirts? I am so shocked that I can't comment on your work.
Val
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Descriptive. Nice imagery.
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This is fabulous--some of your descriptive lines are out of this world and had me laughing out loud. I think some of our American friends might not fully understand all the references, but what the hell? Great write, and anyone who can slag Man U can't be all bad!
Bill
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Puzzles of... many pictures are making this poem a piece of different poetry. It reminds me of Charles Bukovski "row" style. Nice done.
~Sonja~
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ahhh, this is the Floorboards that will someday be famous...good luck to you, sir, and best of wishes
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Most unusual write ...
strip? or stripe?
and last line: united gets?
anyway...some of your lines had me in stitches! the whole poem is a real "kicker"
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on
*PEACE*
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Great descriptive wording! Held the interest to see how you were going to end this - I was picturing a marital problem...lol
Very interesting, well worded, read well, and unique.
best wishes in the contest.
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