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Awakening

You screamed the most deadly scream
When I cut the noose that held you in the light
We basked in the most beautiful dream
Until you broke away and made our hearts ignite

Fallen since we cut each others’ wings
Blood like moonlight drowning the lust
Listen to my guardian demon hear the song it sings
I beg you to breathe for in death we trust

Bathe me in holy water
Take my sins and wear them till the end of time
Love me like a child being brought to the slaughter
Innocent and raped before her prime

Awake my love the night is now young
And waiting for us to come and play
The children of this time have a silver tongue
To entrance you until the break of day

We’ll sample the pleasures of the flesh
Under crucifixes stolen from ancient graves
Enjoy the pain while it stays fresh
But writhe too long and we become its slaves

Bathe me in holy water
Take my sins and wear them till the end of time
Love me like a child being brought to the slaughter
Innocent and raped before her prime

You screamed the most deadly scream
When I cut the noose that held you in the light
So you pushed redemption to the extreme
And took away my soul’s last delight

Bathe me in holy water
Take my sins and wear them till the end of time
Love me like a child being brought to the slaughter
Innocent and raped before her prime

Author notes

Dedicated to pete
Every word i write is because your love keeps my heart beating

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Midnight-x-Rose gold member
    August 26
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    Wow sinister, especially the start... just hits you right in the face. I like how this is spiritual and yet mocking spirituality in many ways, should be in one of those films about satanic offerings and the like

  • Redrusty66
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    Nice use of unique vocabulary. Construction was perfect and it had great flow. Excellent write and I enjoyed it greatly. Thanks for the great read

  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    May 18

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, wow... That repetition of the stanza at the end is amazing, a sensory orgasm in all its macabre glory. I noticed a few grammar errors, though nothing too major... Overall, very well-written, with superb use of imagery and poetic devices... You definitely have a chance to take the crown. Well done, and good luck!

    Laura x


  • hopelessly-broken
    April 28

    Edit | Reply
    a very well written peice.. i like dhow you repeated that stanza too. well done
    kepp it up
    xoxo


  • DrasDomia
    April 10

    Edit | Reply

    Wow!

    Nice work, i like how there is some repetition of the stanzas yet altered slightly to push the morbid plot along. There is some beautiful word choice and great imagery. The rhyme seems strained in a few stanzas, but barley noticeable and over all well thought out. Some of the words linger on the idea of eroticism; however, I do not dub it enough and I'm not sure if you even intended it to sound erotic in some portions of the poem. So do not be discouraged, while some notions of the poem heightened on such an idea, I will not deem it erotic for the soul fact that in my rules (i should be more specific) i don't want anything.. hardcore so to say. Thanks for entering and best of luck!


  • Piccola gold member
    April 10

    Edit | Reply
    the reason this seemingly got viewed but not commented on is that it is tinged with eroticism and my filters are on so I couldn't really see it. That is stated in the contest rules. Dark writes can be dark without being bloody or erotic. Anyway, when I clicked the message came on that I had my filter on and I chose not to turn it off because it is in the rules. Now we're both upset. You because I didn't comment, me because you chose to ignore my rules. Or perhaps you don't view your write which contains the word rape, pleasures of the flesh and other referances as erotic. Now I will turn my filter back on.

  • Redrusty66
    April 9
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    Awesome write, great imagery and heartfelt artistry in the construction. You created a wonderfully dark and solemn atmosphere and kept it open to wide personal interpretation. Awesome work and thanks for the great read.

  • Melodies silver member
    April 5

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    Ah, a poem with stark and emotional imagery... words that are loaded with deep feelings. You must have felt deeply when you wrote this.
  • individuality gold member
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    You screamed the most deadly scream
    When I cut the noose that held you in the light

    and what makes this so different? you do exactly the same here using imagery to cary the audience

  • SixStringDebauchery
    March 28

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    That's fucking good. so dark, so bloodfilled. This would make an amazing song. I think the band are gonna be chuffed with you! lol

    I love more than words could ever say.
    xxx

1 - 10 of 10