I am waiting...
the candle light painting shadows on the wall
and the curtains breathing
with a rhythm of their own.
I am waiting for you...
No sound of footsteps on the stairs,
no sound of a turning key.
Yet... the sound of running water in pipes,
somebody's baby crying,
somewhere else a loud drunkard’s laughter...
young lovers whispering under my window,
the refrigerator in the kitchen sighs,
screaming breaks from afar
and the cracking sounds of my cat
eating crispy food.
I try to read but words start to float
like dark fishes over the white paper's pond.
Are these my tears or just illusions of dusk?
I turn my face into the shadow,
the book still on my breasts
trembling like a dying bird.
Nobody here to see me,
to share the silvery silence of my thoughts.
My lips dry of memories,
and I lick them ravenously
recalling a taste of you and quince and sweet wine.
Author notes
PO' Contest
POM - As poem's title say - a nocturnal reverie
Thanks in advance for all your kind comments, dear friends.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended March 31, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Cinematic Inspiration Meditations by almost alex.
850 points, ended January 13, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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I can only assume this was directed to respond to my search for meditations on isolation.. if that is the case and Im not drastically misinterpreting your intent,i suppose it hits the mark.
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Yes, you are right and you properly read my intention.
~Sonja~
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"the candle light painting shadows on the wall"
I think the line above would work better as:
"the candle's light paints shadows on the wall"
Says the same thing but shows more of a visual on the shadow being projected onto the wall.
Whether you keep your line, or take my suggestion of the line above, this line:
"and the curtains breathing"
I do feel would work better if "breathing" was "breathe". I state this because it seems to leave out a word between "curtains" and "breathing" which would be "are"; "and the curtains [are] breathing" etc. but that drags the line out too long, and is unnecessary, and "breathe" works just as good, or better, in my opinion.
"young lovers whispering under my window,
the refrigerator in the kitchen sighs,
screaming breaks from afar
and the cracking sounds of my cat
eating crispy food."
The problem I have with this part is that it drags a couple of lines too long. I'm not stating that the last two lines should be removed, what I'm stating is that there are two lines in the quoted above that aren't really necessary to the overall story/impact of what you're writing in your poem. I think it could be reworked a bit, and perhaps edited down 'cause it does seem to drag.
"I try to read but words start to float"
I do not care for the use of "but" here, it just doesn't read right to me. Perhaps "yet" or something else, or nothing at all?
"I try to read, words start to float"
or something of that accord?
"like dark fishes over the white paper's pond."
Do not feel "fishes" needs to be that since you say "like" at the beginning of the line.
"like dark fish over the white paper's pond."
"Are these my tears or just illusions of dusk?"
Terribly cliché use of "my tears"; "illusions of dusk".
"recalling a taste of you and quince and sweet wine."
Too many filler words in this line, I feel it could be shorted, I have no suggestion however, my apologies.
Other than those things, I felt the overall story was heartfelt, and told well.
-Nam -
you have painted the reverie so beautifully adding the colors of love to every common things in life....congrats on the trophy
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"the candle light painting shadows on the wall"- that reminds me of a Hindi song which has a similar line...
This is so beautiful; filled with details and excellent imagery! Very deserving of the silver, Sonja. Brilliant writing.
- namita
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This entry needs some more clappers...hehe!
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Just stopped back to say 'Congrats!'.
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A very beautiful write, your images are amazing and the use of everyday noises to impact the emotion was very powerful. My favorite lines, if I had to choose, would be: "I try to read but words start to float
like dark fishes over the white paper's pond."
Having shed tears over a book many times, I recognized this like an old friend. Congratulaions on your work, and your win.
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Hi Sonja :)
Your absence has been well-noted.....and your return is nothing short of marvelous ~
Yes, there are only a few minor details I would look at in this write, but nothing too serious as to deduct any major ponts :)
Your imagery is astounding Sonja....your focus on your theme is superb, and your lasting impression is one of the best reads thus far ~
I have 15 more to go, but I have a feeling this will stand tall......at least I hope so, as it will take a grrrrreat write to be invented over the next 3 hours to top this one :)
I agree, your english language is improving all the time....and that in itself is a challenge :)
Each line is penned with precise perfection of thought.....and each line holds a new area of interest for me to grab on to....
....well done Sonja......and the best to you and your talented quill,
Bear ~
Title 10...perfect ~
Flow 9.65
Depth 9.8
Theme 9.3
Feelings 9.9
Grammar 9.85
Presentation 9.8
Uncommonness 9.85
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 98.1
Another brilliant job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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This is one of those poems that, even though the theme has been done over and over again, I can highly appreciate for the unique and beautifully creative way you've described the sights and sounds around you. I know how hard it is to bring a new twist to subjects relating to love and loss, but you've done a lovely job of it.
I have only a couple small things to suggest..."Candlelight" as one word, though technically it can work split as you have it. And maybe consider using "Only" instead of "Yet" in L8?.
Although there is a sadness that seems to prevail throughout your poem, even at the end I'm not sure if this person "you" are waiting for is eventually going to come through the door or not. I like the open-ended way of that, as it gives your reader a chance to give it the happy or sad ending they choose. I think that makes it very easy to relate to also.
All in all, you have a very solid poem with a lot of strengths. Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
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the world's indifference around a lover's heart fire... so much beauty in the sharp contrast painted here
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I have to say, Sonja, I really really enjoyed reading this poem! Your flow is wonderful, and your language..."my lips dry of memories, and I lick them ravenously recalling a taste of you and quince and sweet wine." Beautiful! What a nice theme, thinking of love and waiting for that expression, and I like your title also, and attention to detail of the rules.
"silvery silence", I really like the assonance in that line also. What a lovely penned poem you have here! Thank you so much for your entry! All the best in the contest! Joy
My Scores:
Title: 10
Theme: 10
Rules: 10
Imagery: 9.8
Depth: 9.5
Language Use: 10
Flow: 10
Ponder Effect: 9.5
Spelling/grammar: 10
Imagination: 9
Total Scores: 97.8
Remember, once a judge has touched your poem, no editing please! Nice work!
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bravo, dear Sonja
an amazing scribe
so full of detail,
that manages to hush my heart.
Good luck
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You captured it well, the sharpness of the senses that comes when waiting at night for a loved one. You hear every sound.
I hope the person arrived, if not in good time at least safe.
jjj
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Filled with the sounds of a typical evening, when one lives in some kind of apartment dwelling, where walls connect and noises pass from one side to the other. Waiting, remembering, thinking.... very vivid this scene.
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A beautifully penned piece, all the best in the contest with it
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SO SOFT AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!
This reminds me so much of some of my late nights of lying awake and listening to the night sounds around me and letting my thoughts get the best of me.
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Sonja,
This is perfect and packed of vivid images... I loved all of it but these line made me smirk...
"and the cracking sounds of my cat
eating crispy food"...
I also feed my cat with Corn Flakes
Good luck in the contest...
mina
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oh - wow, this is excellent...you manage to create such an ambiance of all around you....and I love the words in a fish pond before you...creative, wonderful poetry..
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Nights are the hardest
When alone and waiting.
Sonja this is just so wonderfully crafted. Your English has improved so much over the last two years I have been reading your poems. This is near perfection.
Hope it is not too personal. I know your friend had to go away but I hope all are safe.
Jim
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Great images and emotion. Well worded. Easy to visualize.
Well done. Best wishes in the contest.
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a fine entry
and best of luck to you with this descriptive piece -
How well you write the nocturne of longing in the 'quiet' hours when every sound emphasizes the lover's absence... I could hear this poem.
~ Nicolette
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The imagery and sounds come through
loud and clear! Well penned! Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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