Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Peaches

I once knew this girl named Peaches
She sucked the life out of you like leaches
She used to be cool
But I only have one rule
And that's stay the fuck away from mine
If you would have, we would be fine
But you just had to get some, isn't that right?
You spread those legs without a fight
You said that you didn't know
But you could just be putting on a show
Because you know what I could do
I'd beat the fucking shit out of you
I would grab you by the throat and give it a good squeeze
I'd knock your teeth out you fucking tease
You fucking sleaze bag I hope you die
I hope this poem makes you cry
And just so you know that all of this is real
The words I put on this paper is exactly how I feel

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Dryad Enya
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    Your swearing takes everything from poem. I think that as soon as you resort to swearing you have nothing left to say. Your gropping for words and don't know how to use them, Peaches and leeches rythm but it could be so much better. Lots of the rythm feels forced and inapropiate to the poem. It just feels broken and distant. It's a good atempt but it wont win gold, feel free to add a different poem insted I'm still happy to have read your work because some parts are rather good.

    Best of luck with your writting,
    Gorecki.


  • LonelyAngel
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    JESUS! I am not keen on swearing -especially this much- in one poem, but I do not think it could have been changed at all! I honestly felt what you were doing and all your deepest emotions to this person!

    Fab write, well done,
    Good Luck,
    Thnx for the entry!

    xYx


  • Antebellum
    July 10
    Edit | Reply
    wow. this was amazing.
    a stunning write, good luck in your contest.


  • Ami
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    This is fucking amazing! I loved this really Don't you hate slut's and cheaters? Thank you for entering Good luck! and again this is fucking amazing

    -♥Amy♥


  • Super-GOREgous
    May 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    DAM

    this shit was DOWN yo!!! God but im soo pissed...why would you enter such a out of category poem???...im glad you did tho cause i enjoy this one ALOT. Thank you for entering!!! -GOREgous Gore


  • newnoakua
    May 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That was good, and you could really feel the emotion eminating from you. I think towards the end you may have been forcing the rhyme a bit but I still enjoyed it. Could you please put the option in your notes; it was a rule.

    Best of luck in the contest.


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    May 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm... It started off good, but somewhere between the rhyme and the forced cursing, it just lost me. Well-placed f-bombs can have a stunning effect on the reader, but yours just came off as classless and smutty. You have potential, but this poem just doesn't do it for me, so I'm sorry, but I will have to DQ you.

    Feel free to enter something else before the contest closes. Better luck next time.

    Laura


  • DAMSELx
    May 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    oh my god.

    I loved this. I envisioned myself writing to this girl I know. Honestly, this was great, thanks for the entry and g/l!


  • LeilaJayne
    May 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This sounds a lot like someone i know actually! And i would say the same things to her, although maybe not so brutally lol. Thanks for entering x


  • Erozay
    May 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    it disturbed me


  • Heavens Child
    April 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wowzers, that's some rage you're releasing in this piece! Best wishes and thank you for entering.


  • My Selfish Romance
    April 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sick, twisted...
    I love it!
    Will comment longer soon, But Im busy now,
    Thought I'd show appreciation for your entry.
    Thanks for entering!
    (dont reply, trying to keep it anonymous)


  • scenescene
    April 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    too emotional,i can feel the angst


  • attack110
    April 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    Holy hell.. erm.... well thats my first poem i read from you and i wouldnt like to meet you in a dark alley at night.... thats not only crazy but fucking fantastic aswell.... im sure all of us has fealt like that, but very well worded


  • ShadowsDream
    April 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    damn. so livid and just straight up full of hate!....
    i like it. not many people like to acctualy write what they feel and this has great representation of ur feel ings. good job


  • EmmaLuLu
    March 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    emotional and extrdanary. very nice.

1 - 16 of 16