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20 X 26

With left hand guiding the resin reed,
a blooming of eight years is composed.
Slight downward curve for sidewalk scar,
an upper shove for her mother's eyelash.

Breaking gummed softness with my bicuspids,

I erase slight smudges on the upper lobes.

Like Apostle writing from exile on Patmos,

the spirit is hard to retranslate on paper.

 

Angelic portrayals come in feathered versions,

yet hers comes with worn cardigan and denim.

Never before have I slaved to seek perfectness,

steady digits become priceless when hours wane.

 

She is more patient, at least with Oreo temptation,

when asked to stay solemn and pull back sprung locks.

Frame to be gilded, and parchment for the encasing,

although this memory will stay with me much longer.

 

Author notes

PO Contest

Theme: charcoal sketchings of daughter

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Floorboards
    April 2, 2008
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    Congratulations!


  • Kevin Moderators member
    April 2, 2008

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    very well edited, I can tell you spent a lot of passion and effort on this

    'resin reed' is a beautiful alliteration. Of course, I don't understand the first stanza really, but there's a certain sense of history that's very powerful.

    If i'm going to be critical, i'd say one negative thing is that it feels so restrained, so adapted, that it's not very fresh/casual/free. It feels very tied-down to it's meaning... Not really a bad thing, just an impression I wanted to share





  • Arkbear gold member
    March 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Had to come back & give clappers!


  • aboomer silver member
    March 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well done!.....
    Congrats!


  • NeonRose
    March 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    I didn't read the theme until I had read the poem, but I knew without looking, I could picture the scene in my mind. I am overwhelmed by the fact that a poem of mine is listed on the same page as yours, and feel proud to have been included in this amazing and outstanding event. Congratulations on your win.

  • Arkbear gold member
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Sweet!

    Not sure about perfectness....however, one of the most subtle, peaceful and enlightening writes I have read in a long time ~

     

    I actually felt as though I was looking over your shoulder when you were painting your daughter ~

     

    The imagery you gave us is superb.....powerful, yet tender :)

     

    The first two lines in your last stanza almost brought tears to eyes.....and only a great writer can do that to the Bear :)

     

    Title.....absolutely loved it!

     

    Each line was crafted out of blank parchment....and this tells me you are a heck of a Poet to pen something like this without prompt, color or graphics involved :)

     

    I hope you continue to bring your powerful quill back every week to show off its' talents :)

     

    Your scoreboard will have some high marks on it....want to see?

     

    I do!!

     

    Good luck to you and your entry Ryan,

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   10...perfect ~

    Flow   9.75

    Depth   10

    Theme   9.5

    Feelings   9.8

    Grammar   9.75

    Presentation 9.7

    Uncommonness  9.85

    Sit & Ponder Affect  10

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score:  98.35

    Excellent!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~


  • trista gold member
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Ryan,
    What a lovely, beautiful tribute to your daughter!

    You have many original and creative descriptions. I especially loved the lines that liken her to an angel, in "worn cardigan and denim". I honestly found myself hungry for even more description...short hair, or long? Curly, blond locks, or dark? What color and expression in her eyes? I think it's key in a write like this to choose the most vivid details to include. The "sidewalk scar" was another wonderful addition, for example.

    If there is any problem here at all, I'd say it's in the split focus of your write; half of it about the act of sketching your daughter, the other half actually describing her. Based on how you end this, I would say most of your focus is meant to be on how this affected you personally, so I'd love to see maybe one more stanza with a few more of your own feelings described. As in your descriptions of her, I was left wanting just a tad bit more. But, ya know...that's just me.

    A quick thought on grammar...how about a semi-colon after "perfectness" instead of the comma? And...why "perfectness" instead of "perfection"?

    Maybe because I don't draw or paint, but your last two lines...I couldn't quite find the connection. Why would your memory last longer, or longer than what, exactly? That stanza jumped from subject to subject so quickly, I felt like the end might have been hurried a wee bit.

    There is a very soft and gentle quality that is lovingly expressed in your lines. I think you've managed to convey a unique bonding experience, and I very much enjoyed reading about it. Although I've come up with a few things you may or may not want to consider, I believe this is another outstanding poem you've given us.

    Thanks once again for your entry, and good luck to you.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Floorboards
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Fantastic, I can totally relate to this,
    beautiful poem,
    well done and good luck,
    Floorboards.


  • faithwhisperer silver member
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ryan,

    Once again you have given us a wonderful poem! I love your theme here of sketching your daughter, and the way you conveyed this. It is very touching to me, to think of the time you are spending here drawing, and the bond that is being created...lovely image! I like your language, your flow, and the unique title. No worries here, that I can see. Very nice entry! Thanks for entering! I really like some of your lines,
    "hers comes with worn cardigan and denim", breaking
    gummed softness with my bicuspids..." well done!

    My Scores:

    Rules: 10
    Theme: 10
    Title: 10
    Flow: 9
    Depth: 9
    Language Use: 10
    Imagery: 9.8
    Imagination: 9.5
    Spelling/grammar: 10
    Ponder Effect: 9.8

    Total Scores: 97.1

    Remember, once a judge has touched your score, no editing please! Nicely penned! Joy


  • grannyeri gold member
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great way to express daughter's charcoal sketches - you have taken us through the process with exact movements and then shown the significance of each. Lovely to read.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A divine piece of poetry here. Love the imagery you have created. All the best in the contest


  • Sonja
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    To paint with words is always much harder than to paint with charcoal. Nice usage of words. Also, this poem title captured my attention the same way. Great job.
    ~Sonja~

  • ecrivain01
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is a marvelous ...

    poem. You've handled your premise perfectly and the flow of the poem is seamless.

    I didn't see one single thing in this that you might need to change.

    Congrats on an excellent job.

  • aboomer silver member
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful theme! And so well worded that it was easy to picture you doing the sketches. Touching and very enjoyable.
    best wishes in the contest.


  • everyone1 gold member
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Innocent!

    Vivid in its vision, and very well written... You have an awesome command of the english language...

    Best wishes in the contest!

    ~ James ~


  • islekine gold member
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is truly unique!

    I was there with you ...seeing all the characteristics of your daughter's face! And the time...
    Extremely well penned...as usual!!
    Write on...Best wishes in the contest.
    *PEACE*


  • Flight of Dragons
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    Cool poem with extended vocabulary. I like to read even though I have a hard time keeping up with your imagry. great work though

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