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Cafe Poesia

I'm writing weak verses
while drinking strong coffee,
serving poetic justice
to the lover inside me.

 

Etched in the milky way,

11th March, 2008

is floating in the cafe latte.

 

The tables have turned
and I guess I've learned
what's brewing inside
the cafe of brown eyes

like october, like autumn,
like the passion rum,
the churning of oceans.

The tables have turned.

    The tables have turned.

 

The tables have turned.
I'm locked in a waterfall,
where the waters are free.
There are no sights left
when I leave
the cafe
of brown eyes;
the view from the mountains,
the curve of the valleys
are incomplete.

The tables have turned.
And like the river, I burn,

I run towards my sea.
I throw my poem in the coffee
and surrender my words,
my life
to the cafe of brown eyes.

Author notes

First serious attempt at lyrics
Please keep in mind that there are places (like line 3) where we might pronounce a word differently, hence the syllables may come out differently.

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4074763

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Death of the Author
    April 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    After reading the story I enjoyed this a lot more


  • Naridill gold member
    April 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Short but steady. I feel more insides were needed to complete the lyrical feel but apart from that - I adored the piece as a whole. The effort draws out excellent phrasing and beautiful imagery.


  • Tangled Angle
    March 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Where is your story?


  • Tangled Angle
    March 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    .

  • Tangled Angle
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think out of all the lyrics I've read, this one has the most precise execution. "11th March, 2008" didn't flow right with me in the song, I don't know.. I just didn't like it. Didn't work for me. But besides that, I really like what you have here. The overall metaphor was kind of cliche and corny, but still, the surrounding elements made this more unique. Probably one of your strongest so far in the contest; no matter where you place. I love the last part, it was amazing.


  • Julia93
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is really, really, REALLY good It's a great read because it's very well- written. It's so poetic and pretty- sounding... the words are so perfect and flow together nicely. The first stanza is a great beginning to the poem because it's one of the strongest ones and it really hooks the reader. The ending is also really well done. And yeah... the stuff in the middle... amazing... Great work and keep writing!
    Julia


  • Sonja
    March 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is how the real poet is speaking. You will never stop to surprise me. Nice done.
    ~Sonja~


  • Catauthor
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ok, this is super-awesome, too. Why is everyone in this contest so darn good?!

    Apart from agreeing with Heart about it being a little short, I can't find anything to suggest in this. The line "serving poetic justice" seems to have too many syllables, maybe? Just a thought.

    I loved how subtle your rhyme was, and how the imagery sort of flowed between cafe and sea and mountains.

    "I burn like a river,
    that runs for the sea"
    Wow.

    Good luck (not that you need any)!


  • And Hyetal
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    First off... DAAAANG that was a creative first line.

    I could kind of hear this set to music, but it didn't sound very lyrical. I mean, there wasn't that much rhyming and I can't really find a chorus or anything like that.

    What you have going here is great... I absolutely love how everything tied together... The water, the cafe, the poetry, brown eyes... That was perfect. I'm just not sure about the lyrical aspect.

    But whatever, what do I know?

    Good luck.

    ~Cassie

  • Death of the Author
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love what you have, it just seems a little...short...then again I don't know what tempo you're going for or anything so that's hardly a valid comment.

    the churning of oceans.

    The tables have turned.

    I really like that, though I agree with the comment below, pirates are a little random!

    I'm locked in a waterfall,
    where the waters are free.
    There are no sights left
    when I leave
    the cafe
    of brown eyes;
    the view from the mountains,
    the curve of the valleys
    are incomplete.

    The tables have turned.
    I burn like a river,
    that runs for the sea,

    Definitely my favourite bit just awesome. Good luck and take care x


  • Frodofan silver member
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting. I liked that you had rhyme, but the reference to pirates seemed a bit random to me.

    What does the title mean?

    I'd like to hear the tune to it. Definently something fitting to be sung at a cofee shop.

    Good luck!

1 - 11 of 11