I understood you
as sky:
pale-paraffin moon, born then unborn
at the horizon of my lips,
distance come forth from skin
and perhaps more than just
glow-substance-length-and-sky
something more: taller, fuller than sun
so tonight,
a Pleiades of unspoken words
will fasten itself on your mouth, fill your name
in the wide W of Cassiopeia
and perhaps your hands shall form
a Great bear, arms pulled open
like the feet of a shooting star
and at the bright Polaris of your mouth, I too
shall glow
in bold blue terms
of the horizon
Author notes
March 27th 2008, 10.48 PM: I whispered, you listened; you replied, I died... (personal)
Inspired by Nicolette's para siempre - http://allpoetry.com/poem/3038750
In a list
A contest entry
- Free Verse Favorites by Randomly Beautiful.
1200 points, ended April 9, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Oh publish a book won't you then I can read your work properly without going blind staring at this screen all the time lol!
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And here, in Namita, I discover talent like the beauty of fireflies on a summer night, the shimmer of light off a hummingbird's throat, sublime talent of a shortyly- to be known- great poetress...not far down the road.
Salute
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excellent~
This is brillant...
You write so very beautiful for your age..
You poetry is full of wonderful imagery...
Congrats on the Silver trophy
This was fully deserving of the win
Adding you to my favs....
I have mestastized breast cancer that has spread to my bones...my back..so can't sit for long periods at a time..
But wanted you to know I love your poetry...and hoping you come pay me a visit and just bear with me in reading your poems will get to them when I can
Hugs
Susan~~~
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as usual,very well written.......
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Personal yet learned, where constellations drip from whispering lips. This has both a heavy and light, near aerie, quality as though two worlds, intertwined, are being discussed. Wonderful.
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-distance come forth from skin
perhaps comes or came?
-ending few lines were absolutely awesome.
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So breathtaking! I love the elements you have used here. The moon is my favourite subject and he stars, how lovely to watch them when the moon is taking a break from shining. You already glow my sweet one, and shall glow even more and in a special way when you meet the star to follow your dreams
Mari
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This is stunningly sad and yet beautiful. You have a breath taking way of writing that I envy so, yet in a good way. The sky and love all seem to tie together at times and moving on isn't always easy to do. our hearts want to burn out just like those stars, but somehow we manage to get over it and move forward to view another sky as well as tomorrow. I really love this...one of your best
Becky
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A star has fallen and it hurts...always. Beautiful and so sad, yet the star of your talent is still shining brightly...and rising, dear Nami. I have known this too, and it takes a while to see there are millions of other stars...i know...and then someday a special star walks right into your eyes - hey, look at me and my Guy
I am SO honoured that my poem inspired stellar poetry like this - just WOW! Beautiful!!!!!
~ Nicolette
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Oh my sweet Namita this is lovely...
fasten itself on your mouth
I love how original your pieces are. Simply brilliant. Are you sure you are not older...lol.
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Yes, I love the "sky" and I have often used some aspect of it in poetry. It lends itself beautifully to the subject of life as you as have so aptly shared in this poem.
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Hi Namita,
Some nice work here: how about this...?
[word] = suggested deletion
(word) = suggested change
SPRING SKY AT 10:45pm
I [have] understood you
as sky:
white-wax moon, born [and] (then) unborn
at the horizon of my lips,
[white] (white is used twice in quick succession) distance come forth from skin
and [perhaps] more than just
glow-substance-length-and-sky
maybe something more: taller, fuller than sun
so tonight,
a Pleiades of unspoken words
(to?) [will] fasten itself on your mouth, fill your name
in the wide w of (C)assiopeia
and perhaps your hands shall form
a big dipper, arms pulled open
like the feet of a shooting star
and [perhaps]
at the bright polaris of your mouth, I too
(shall) [will] glow
in [bright] (watch for repetition) blue terms
of [the] horizon
Just my thoughts for what it's worth. I would also consider re-phrasing the middle line of the 3rd stanza to help it flow.
Heath
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get rid of "have" from the first line.
this is just beautiful, just like you.
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this is excellent...
sigh..and I am so sorry...
we never can change the way we feel about someone...we can only get on with life.. AND DO NOT REJECT YOURSELF....it's his loss, sweetie..
when a person doesn't love us...it's hard not to love ourselves a little less...but don't let that happen, you are worth all the love in the world....
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You amaze me with every single write. I'm jealous.
Good luck in the contest!
~Cassie
PS: When did you turn 14?
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Shining bright above full moon’s zenith is a star named Namita. A lovely penning dear one, you are such an inspiration, best of luck in the contest.
Love and peace always,
mj.
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