I see you
so can you see me,
you left me
a pit of blackness.
How could you
you don't care,
I smiled at you from afar.
I knew...
a void of light
seeping in
spearing my soul,
scratching, hissing, caring, embracing.
I smiled at you once again
eating my soul out with your eyes
tearing me apart.
I was there as any other,
years have come and gone
but your still unforgiven .
Author notes
Sorry about the punctuation problems, my keyboard is still messed up.
A contest entry
- A Darker Poetry Contest II by -BlackKnight-.
300 points, ended April 8, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
A little wobbly to begin with but picked up pace nicely. I think in the 1st couple of verses the word 'you' is repeated to much. Removing some, or exchanging for other words would give this a much better flow. The 3rd verse is superb, full of intense power and the last winds down nicely, with an air of sorrow about it. Very well penned
-
I got a definite sense of, uhhh...whining in this. Yeah, 'specially the first part. Like a child that still hates an old friend for something stupid. Yeah, a good makeover of this is in order, starting with, say, an inkling as to why this person is "unforgiven".
Actually, scratch that, just re-write this. -
beautiful poem, very well penned. Lots of emotion put into it.
I knew...
a void of light
seeping in
spearing my soul,
scratching, hissing, caring, embracing.
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