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A Place I Had Forgotten

The yellow sun slowly sets behind the mountains,
like a receding hairline, pulled by the string of genes.
The afterbirth of this stinging love,
gracefully peeled at my heart.

I sipped on my cup of milk,
deciding to light the wick of forgiveness
and crawl into myself again.
A place I had forgotten.

Author notes

Hope this was creative and or powerful enough. Don't hold back, critique critique critique!!!

I was going for the melancholies of a lover who is reminded of the past, tell me if it's too generic I will try to write something else =]

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Polaja Greeters member
    April 5, 2008

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    I really like the ending of this poem ... and the 'wick of forgiveness' part is wonderfully creative - the message of this poem is subtle, and not cliche at all (in my opinion) I wish you the best in the contest!

    Keep writing

    Polly


  • SurelyWritten
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think this would be much improved if you added a space before this set of lines;
    "I sipped on my cup of milk,
    deciding to light the wick of forgiveness
    and crawl into myself again.
    A place I had forgotten.

    That way it will kind of create two separate continuous poems- It will flow better since the transition in your thoughts takes place at that line..

    I also think that if you are going to use center alignment you should keep all your lines relatively the same length so the shape of the poem looks better- Thats just a personal opinion.

    Again, thanks for using all the words, and thanks also for entering,
    Shirley

  • Toons
    March 27, 2008

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    I really enjoyed this. Wonderful similes and a great ending. Nice flow, great opening. Overall stunning. You've painted a wonderful picture in my mind, good use of the word bank!!


  • Blooming Poet
    March 27, 2008

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    The relationship of things through similies and methapors in this poem worked very well. Great poem, very well penned. Loved this part:

    The yellow sun slowly set behind the mountains,
    like a receding hairline, pulled by the string of genes.

1 - 6 of 6