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To Eat Your Poetry

Troubled with the opening lines
of my thoughts
you glanced, ready to tremble
at the way my arms
were closed about myself,
instead of you;

But,

biting my lips as well as yours-
I shook away at anger
and the velocity of my words,
hurling at your ears,
trying to relax the body language
aimed at you.

Not fair,

I know, but I dragged it out
hoping for the stone's
death- To crumble you into bits
of truth, shards
of emotion, and pieces of poetry
for me to devour

gently.

Author notes

critical comments appreciated. be honest, and mean if it sucks.

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Never Fall in Love
    March 29, 2008

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    This is really good - thought I'd stop by and see what my competition looks like & return the favor. I'm impressed - I knew you were good but to start writing again, I've seen many people coming with turbulent poems after.

    I don't have much critique - except that in the second-ish stanza - the "you" being twice in a short amount of space stuck out sorely. I'm not too sure on suggestions as you'll choose what is best, I'm sure. Overall, this is really good

    Never ♥


    • SurelyWritten
      March 29, 2008

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      Yea- I thought so too- I always warn people not to do that, and then I did. I haven't come up with a way to fix it yet, but I'm open to suggestions.

      Thanks
      S


  • TabbyCat
    March 28, 2008

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    I really love the opening stanza...
    "you glanced, ready to tremble
    at the way my arms
    were closed about myself
    instead of you."
    This line really had impact...brought home that feeling when you know what is coming next just can't be good. I thought the use of the word "velocity" later in the poem was great. All in all, very original and not at all cliche'. enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    March 27, 2008

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    I don't have critical in my tonight, but if you want I will come back tomorrow -

    what I really wanted to say is that I am thrilled that you are writing so much again.

    • SurelyWritten
      March 28, 2008
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      I'm glad to be back- Writing again is what I needed. I'm struggling to make my writing more consistent within the individual styles I like, but other than that I am pretty happy with most of my recent writes.


  • Voodoo Eyes
    March 27, 2008

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    I've been searching through your poetry to see if I had anything worthy to enter into your contest... but I'm not sure yet. Anyway... this is the best I've read so far of yours. But I'd like to know which ones are your favorite of yours so that I know which ones to go by. Good write!

    • SurelyWritten
      March 27, 2008
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      This is one of my favorites but my top five or so are pinned to my author's page... If you are still unsure, how about just entering what you think is your personal best, or one of your favorites?

      If you enter something and change your mind, don't be afraid to remove it and try again. Fresh writes are okay too.

      S


  • tomisb
    March 27, 2008
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    So when has fair been anything but man's creation. In the land of affection and dreams of a tender togetherness, our dreams can become the seers of truth sprung from the truth of our love. Your words read like the purrs of a lioness as she lies in wait. *love* Love, Tom B.

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