The ground runs fast and soon is gone
As we trample heroes with each step on
Unknown graves without headstones
As they lie clothed in brittle bones
We curse their ghosts with every breath
But they don’t care because they're dead
And have no place to call their own
And these mistakes are all our own
[All our own, all our own]
Instead of weep we kick up dust
Apathetic – both of us
To the sacred pact of trust
So sting our eyes for this deceit
And scorch the skin from our feet
I never will admit defeat
[Won’t go down without a fight...not tonight]
Because I don’t care, I’d bleed for days
[As these clouds hang over me]
Amongst the bones and ashen clay
[They wrap my eyes so I can’t see]
If it meant that we could stay
[This is not how it’s s’posed to be]
But I have to break away
So please don’t stop
MEE-EE
The ground runs fast and courses past
Trapping memories in an hourglass
Unknown grains, each overgrown
All together, yet each alone
We curse our ghosts with every breath
But they don’t care because they're dead
And have no place to call their own
And these mistakes are all our own
[But...]
Instead of weep we pick up stones
And skim them off the surface so
They scratch the lustre off their thrones
And slowly sink, bidding adieu
Stealing all our feelings too
Stealing me away from you
[Away. From. You]
Because I don’t care, I’d bleed for days
[As the ground runs under me]
Amongst the bones and ashen clay
[It traps my eyes so I can’t see]
If it meant that we could stay
[This is not how it’s s’posed to be]
But I have to break away
[I know now we cannot stay]
So please don’t stop me
Cause skipping stones are all that’s left
Skipping through our broken heads
And some things are just better unsaid
[This was not how it was supposed to be]
Cause skipping stones are all that’s left
Skipping through our broken heads
[This was not how it was supposed to be]
And some things are just
Better off
Dead
[This was not how it was supposed to be...
So please don't stop me...
...This time]
Author notes
[Things in brackets] are in the background
You best like this...if not I don't know what to do, I spend all evening and all morning on it!!!
Well I think it's better than it was.
Well I think it's better than it was again.
Editted a little bit again.
Story (please read and comment, I will appreciate it greatly): http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2341445
Part 2
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 9 (Top 6) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended April 3, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Angthing Goes. What I Like Wins. by Nicotine Eyes.
300 points, ended April 8, 2008, 37 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lyricists Only! by WarmHeartedGeisha.
900 points, ended May 9, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Songs/Lyrics Options by albinoblacksheep720.
700 points, ended January 24, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 72 of 72
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Nice
I like the beat and flow it was pretty cool. Nice job Good luck -
I'm not much into form poetry as I was when I first came here but as far as that goes... I like this muchly. I think sometimes it helps to maintain meter
in a poem, which you do, for the most part. I'd watch
syllable counts though. But maybe I'm missing something. I took celtic poetry and lord knows there was some weird combinations of counts. Challenging.
Overall, I think this shows alot of hard work, intelligence, and undeniable talent.
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This was more of a song than a poem so I felt that syllable count can be altered with voice (if that makes sense).
I am much less into rhyming poetry than I was when I joined. Actually, no, I'm just much more into free verse.
Thank you very much
a lot of hard work - you said it! -
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Makes complete sense.
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Oh... and excellent content.
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Yes ...
this is really good. This line would work better as:
I won’t ever admit defeat (I never will admit defeat)
there are a few weak lines here, but in the main, this is one of the strongest poems I've ever seen you write. You need to work on punctuation, but aside from that, this is relatively perfect.
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Thanks, I'm glad you like this one...I put so much effort in for this one.
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How has this not won any lyric contest yet? I find this stunning, more than ever. I have never read a song that I can actually hear in my head. The topic you picked for this as well (mind you, I am observing this from the lyrics and have not yet read the story) is capturing. It takes reading and music to a whole 'nother level. Thank you for your entry. Good luck!
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Much appreciated xxx
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Stellar! Great imagery and flow. Beautifully written and expressed. Lot's of emotion trapped in here! Thanks for entering and good luck!
+ Jackie -
excellent
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Wow. You have a beautiful control of the english language and sense of imagery. Beautiful lyrics. THis would make an amazing song. I read the story too. Wow. Very powerful. Great job and best of luck in the contest!
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Thank you very much, I really appreciate it
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I love the defiance and authority expressed in this. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Its an interesting piece. Very powerful, very unique. I like it. It definitely caught my attention!
Great job
~Lorissa~ -
A very interesting write
Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest. -
WOW That is one powerful ending! This is a pretty damn good poem... you really capture the scene very well and draw a picture in the head of the reader! Great work!
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This is a wonderful piece and your imagery is so well done! Good luck with it.
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I like this. Lots.
thanks for entering and good luck
Katie -
I really enjoyed this! kudos!
Jack
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Hey!!
Cool stuff... HM too! well worth it, the opening two verses are tremendous, good stuff mix, well worth three clappies!! U.F.I. -
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Aye, a HM, but I didn't get through (though I felt I should have), never mind
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I really like this. You took alot of time to perfect it and it's wonderful. Thanks & Good luck
BabyLove--x -
Title reminded me of a Children Of Bodom song.
Some parts between reminded me of Coal Chamber.
But all up - I felt a folk feel to this [no, not because I was listening to the Pogues] but the actual feel has a bop but not cliche feel within it.
The story seems well worked and fluent - nice spacing and nice rhyme within to help the flow settle nicely.
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Afraid to say I know neither!
I know the Pogues though.
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wow i really like this&& it almost sounds like lyrics. you should think of writing songs if you don't already. this is really good i really appreciated it. it sounds like the kind of thing i would love..lol well
good job ^^ -
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I'm glad you said that, cos these are meant to be lyrics lol
I've only written a couple of songs, but it's something I'm looking to get into
Thanks for the comment!
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Well, I can only speak for myself but I'm quite taken with this. It is hauntingly sad. Your choice of words are perfect. It sounds very professional. Good luck in the contest. Shancy.
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Very much appreciated
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Very lyrical these lines - liked the flow, rhythm, rhyme and ending to this write.
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Very good
You have penned this very well and with such depth keep up the good work
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I'm left speechless. I love it. think its amazing. Great job
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I like this!
This is haunting and wonderfully beautiful.
I think it would sound better however, if you wrote, "some things are better left unsaid" rather than just "unsaid"
Well done!
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Better left unsaid doesn't flow as well for me, plus the line before and after has the word "left" in. I did trial it like that before I posted it actually lol. Thanks for the comment x
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Okay, this is fantastic. I loved that some parts are just very sincere and simple, and others are extremely poignant and strongly-worded. There seems to be a marked distinction between what you're saying and what you're thinking from stanza to stanza.
I thought this part was just fuggin' fabu.
"We curse their ghosts with every breath
But they don't care because their dead
And have no place to call their own
And these mistakes are all our own"
There's something so weighty about that verse that just kinda sinks down inside and sits in the pit of my stomach. It seems like it can be interpreted in many different ways - all of them true to life.
"The ground runs fast and courses past
Trapping memories in an hourglass
Unknown grains, each overgrown
All together, yet each alone"
I loved the play on words/switch up of metaphor there, and the last line is especially striking.
You definitely have a knack for songwriting, sir! Keep this up and you'll be sprinkling guitar picks over waves of rabid fans someday.
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Fuggin' fabu?! Haha, that's so awesome
Apparently my girlfriend (I do have the BEST girlfriend in the world, as will become apparent when you read the next sentence) is going to buy me an electric guitar for my birthday o.O
My guitar playing has kind of dried up recently, but I've just tried to get back into it the past couple of days and I'm finding I can play chords that I couldn't before! Haha
Really appreciate it
Would you possibly like to read the story that goes with this piece?
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2341445
Much appreciated as always!
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I would love to read the story! I'll come back a little later when I've got more time and check it out.
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Ha. All evening and all morning? I think you spent more than that
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Yeah I wrote that fter the 1st or second draft lol
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Well all of that hard work paid off. I like everything about this. Title could have been a little bit more creative. Still, I love this.
Lyrics is your niche.
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YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY *gasps for air*
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*fweeeeewBOOM!*
That was the sound of my lyrics jumping out of a window.
Great parachuting hippopotami, this is scary-good. Do you write lots of lyrics? (I'm really hoping that you do, because if this is your first then I'm going to cry. Serious.)
Typo (I think): Line 6, "their" should be "they're"
I had some ideas for you, but then you went and revised it, then you revised again, so now I've got nothing.
It sounds fast-paced to me, and I like that. Love the background, especially in stanza "Because I don't care, I'd bleed for days".
Yay, you're back in the contest!
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LMAO! I love the sound, and the expression
This is only my third attempt at lyrics lol, but I usually write rhyming poetry (I'm bluffing my way through Teen Idol!_ so maybe that's it.
Haha I'd still love to hear what you would have said!
Thank you muchly!
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Good.
keep it.
it is a keeper.
Lovely.
..Simply Me♥ -
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Much appreciated
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I'd say keep it as is. This is excellent! I wouldn't change a thing. Plenty of luster and charm. Beautifully heartwrenching. Good for you!
Kelly
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Thanks a lot! x
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wow this is an awesome poem and it touches so deep luv it! & i luv the way you think in brackets....its cool to be different in that sense i gues. anywho the tweeks should stop now the poem sounds perfect.....keep writing!
dani
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Thanks!
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Excellent write... don't know how it started but this is really good. Don't mess with it any more. You're where you need to be..
Good write!
Ken
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Thanks for the reassurance, I feel this is where I want it to be too
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Love it, the feeling: emotion, and everything about it!
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Thanks a lot, glad you enjoyed it
Glad you commented too, loads of people have clicked and you're the first, so thanks!
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Definately better than it was.
Definately better than mine.
Speaking of which, I need to edit some more.
~Cassie
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Ooo and let me know, I'd be more than happy to read again!
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I finished it... again.
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I'll get right on it!
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Nah, I don't think so, yours is a LOT more original!
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Not really.
And I'm desperately working on it now.
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Tis better!
I felt that fom your first draft to this, it flows much better and creates a story. Perhaps, where the chorus is, you could add [chorus] there. Even if it is different each time, the chorus stands out because of the background music that changes once that part is reached - as long as the beat is the same, and basic idea, I don't think it would matter if it changed - but because you cant add music here, just stating that that is the chorus is good enough.
I could be proven wrong, as I'm not completely sure on lyrics, but I listen to music like a madwoman, and you too
Your ending, I liked how it was before with the lin breaks - to add the emphasis as it is said? Upto you
Never ♥
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Haha cheers, though I may edit this further...
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Is...
this about leicester City? I can see why you would want to end it all after putting up with those results, why don't you save yourself and shoot the team instead?... the poem is very good by the way, very bleak is the picture you've created... doom like... yes, a good write. U.F.I.
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Lmao, shoot the team! What a good idea
Thanks mate x
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Well, I'm not sure about the chorus changing everytime. I mean, I did that in mine, but I made sure that the first two lines were exactly the same every time. I kind of had a little bit of trouble identifying the chorus in yours.
But everything else was really good. I was kind of turned off by the rhyme scheme at first, but it's okay. I really hope you do well.
~Cassie
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Damn, I like difference lol
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I like the difference, too... Just not so much of a difference.
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Please could you give it a re-read, I would very much appreciate it *cute face* pwease?
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STOP!
I like the poem, but don't do it George. We all have something to live for. Committing suicide is no solution. Come down from that ledge. We all want to see more of your poetry so this will solve nothing!
Paul
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To be honest this wasn't supposed to be about suicide so I haven't worded it very well! Haha
It's kind of like the song by Snow Patrol called "Run" where two people in love are running away from something but accepting that they can never escape.
Thanks for your comment x
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lol, he's too chicken, I assure you
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Haven't even started the story yet *groans*
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