Silkworm sands and silhouettes
He lies awake with cigarettes
Train tracks meet the melting spot
Where demons cry it’s far too hot
The tapping, tapping from the rain
Drives him mad, he goes insane
He leaves the room, he leaves the bed
To walk the streets and clear his head
Fire-eaters burn the night
Smoke filled air will hide the light
Blazing embers burn the skin
He finds the hurt much less than sin
Strangers skin themselves alive
While counting back from nine to five
Don’t turn away, he says inside
Can run away but never hide
Too much hazard in the air
Breathing easy's far too rare
Swaying, crawling, on their knees
Easy women never please
A piece of mind falls into crease
Of paper folds and spoken peace
World on fire at first glance
Burn it all he’ll lose his chance
Feet of Angels marching in
Come lay down, lay down again
So afraid, the days still fall
He burns the sky, he burns it all
Weeping Angels walk about
Beware, beware, his time is out
Come lay down, lay down again
For weeping Angels marching in
Author notes
Contest Prompt: "I believe the world is burning to the ground." -Let's See How Far We've Come
-- This actually goes along with a series of sketches... which I've yet to finish... haha, darn my procrastination!-- ^_^
A contest entry
- Quotes! by LuckyBlackCat.
450 points, ended May 17, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be 100% honest ^_^ if you don't like it tell me why, if you do, haha tell me why :p
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i like this poem although there could have been a few changes. personally i thought that the "skinning themselves alive" part was not so ummm.... great. the gory-ness is hard for me. i mean, come on... skinning themselves alive?
Ok, although that sounded harsh...i really did like teh rest of your poem...so don't feel bad. (like you would)
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Not harsh at all ^_^
Haha, doesn't paint a very pretty picture I suppose
Quite painful too I imagine
I'm very pleased you liked the the rest of it though ^_^
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Honestly...
Your first two lines were the most engaging.
However, after that it was simply listing and boring with little imagery to carry it on. You're rhymes were bad bordering on horrible. Not only were they trite, but the obvious forcing in some places made me cringe. Punctuation is also a major problem here. Although you do better than many with your sporadic commas, I still do not find enough punctuation to justify your amount of capitalizations and independent clauses. In the second to last stanza, imagery would be much better if it was "fleet" instead of "feet." You could also work in some water or boat imagery into there, with that. As is, the format serves little to no purpose and the various descriptions lacking imagery were ultimately annoying. Much of it was irrelevant in order to keep up with your forced rhymes. I suggest you try to come up with shorter, more imagery laden poems before trying to tackle rhyme or formatting again. On the plus side, your flow was tolerable, though could certainly be improved. -
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Yikes
Well thank you soo much for the honesty, I'll sure try to do what you said... but, that being said, I suppose the piece makes more sense to me and honestly, even with the evident flaws, I really like it still
Haha, eh, I'm not much of a writer so I guess that shows
Anyway, thanks again! I really thank you for the honesty. ^_^
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the flow the ryhm, the impact. i truly love thi peice, yet the friend aspect elude me.
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