A complete dramatization; the strangest sensation
a nervous system alert
Heart thumping, palms sweating, panicked thoughts
A verbal asphyxiation
Must be a conditioned response
(I forget why sirens go off when I see you)
(Heart thumping, palms sweating, panicked thoughts
A verbal asphyxiation)
With just one look I forget that I hate you
Everything you represent to me
You trap me there, unaware
Wanting… always wanting
Unnecessary reenactments, romanticized endings
You make me forget how it would be
With just one look.
Silenced writer of emotion drawn by laws of attraction
Resuscitated memories hiding behind my lips
All the things I wanted to say…
Your eyes lock upon mine daring me to look away
Immediate fixation on internal elation: Awareness
of your eyes following me, (Wanting… always wanting).
Forgotten emotional destruction
You’re my chronic distraction.
With just one look I forget that I hate you
Everything you represent to me
You trap me there, unaware
Wanting… always wanting
Unnecessary reenactments, romanticized endings
You make me forget how it would be.
The stagnant air between us becomes charged (You trap me there)
With just one look, it’s all I can bear
Between awkward confessions and intimate repression
You know this underlying expression
(Wanting… always wanting)
A complete dramatization, an exhilarating sensation.
(Heart thumping, palms sweating, panicked thoughts
A verbal asphyxiation)
You trap me there, wanting
Always wanting… it’s all I can bear.
You trap me there, wanting
Always wanting... it's all I can bear.
With just one look I forget that I hate you
Everything you represent to me
You trap me there, unaware
Wanting… always wanting
Unnecessary reenactments, romanticized endings
You make me forget how it would be
With just one look.
Author notes
Ah.Sosha.
short story link: http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2341477
(still working on it-- just wanted to post what I had)
I want to start with the song like it is coming over a loudspeaker. Other than that I don't really know how to explain the music.
It works in my head?
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 9 (Top 6) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended April 3, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
I love the title - I don't like how you put it within your poem as well - it was too noticeable and the actual content was lightened by that. I don't feel the angst too much within here - it is visible but not too much emotional just kind of there.
The flow is simple and fluent and within - you created a piece of lyrics - that I probably can't place within my type of music but something that is similar to what is within the mainstream.
-
By the way, i forgot to add. i think you could have gone deeper metaphorically and stuff. I think you might have relied on the vocabulary to make up for that. the words were creatively used - but i think you could have been more creative - even with the imagery, and your surroundings. But, even so, i do like what you have here.
-
I love the loudspeaker idea. I can almost see a music video going on with this:
you are the high school girl sitting on the bleachers during a football game. you cant get your mind off of things. halftime comes, so there's not really anything going on. you're so overcome with emotion that you go up to the announcment room and you grab the microphone and start singing the song - and everyone turns around and is like "wth?" at first. and you're singing to the football player [who is your (ex?) boyfriend] - But then the people who were like 'wth?', by the end of the song they are jamming with you. And your (ex) boyfriend is embarrassed. [probably cuz he deserves it].
And then the music video ends and your in geometry class spacing out, and your teacher is like "Sosha! Pay attention!"
It just has that teenage/high school edge to it. But the thing is - i dont see this as cliche at all - i just love everything about this.
i think you are gradually making a comeback.
there was so much emotion in this - like A LOT.
i actually liked the vocabulary. i personally know what those words mean, so it worked for me. But the average listener/reader wouldn't understand them - so, I do agree with Asfand about the vocabulary, in that sense.
"with just one look i forget that i hate you" - i actually thought it was perfectly fine.
it's hard to be cliche in lyrics because sometimes simple statements are good enough [for the listeners].
they are good enough for me.
I think some of the rhyme might have been forced with the some of the vocabulary. but all in all you did an excellent job no matter where you place.
-
-
I love the teenage angsty vibe. I think I've developed my intense wordage from watching too many episodes of dawson's creek where they talk so much more than they probably should. That also ties in with the teen angst, lol.
-
-
Haha - all of my girl-friends watch those kind of shows. i never get in to them, lol. the only thing i watch is football, soccer, survivor, Greek, and the amazing race.
i think you would LOVE greek. it's awesome. :] -
-
I have heard a little bit about the show greek, but I feel like I have enough greek reminders just being in college.
-
-
lol - it has nothing to do with Greek, literally. It's about a bunch of college student in fraternities - which are named after Greek letters, or something. But that's about it, but it's a great show.
-
-
Cool beans.
Are you going to tell us our scores for the lyrics?
I'm nosy -
-
Probably not. lol
-
-
That works, lol
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Another wonderful entry...gahh, you all have to stop being so good.
I agree with Asfand and Heart--the vocabulary is rather thick in places. Not that lyrics should be simply written, of course, but it's almost a tongue twister when I read it aloud.
"It works in my head?"
Heck yeah. It works in my head, too, and sometimes that's difficult.
Good luck!
-
The only problem I see is the wordings. I have to agree with She Has MY Heart - i think it might be thick with vocabulary at some places so people won't understand what you're saying.
I think on the other hand, length doesn't really matter. The original verson of Celine Dion's 'it's all coming back to me now'i seven minutes. so I wouldn;t woryr bout that lol.
G'luck. You got great meaning and subject here. -
With just one look I forget that I hate you - a bit cliched?
It felt a little long and a little wordy to be a song...and in some places the ideas were far too poetic (I'm not saying they can't be in a song, it just feels this would make a much better poem than song)
Haha I bet that's annoying, rockerchk saying this is too short and me saying it's too long!
Anyway, I liked most of this and think you've given a fairly hefty crack at it so congrats and good luck!
-
-
I know it may seem cliche... but when I wrote the first draft of this it was all about a sort of fatal attraction, so it seemed to fit then. I'll probably have to work around that.
I'm always wordy... and I'm still kind of ehhhh about the whole lyrics bit.
I'm just... kind of glad I have something down before the deadline. -
-
No, I know, of course - writing anything that you're not used to is definitely hard.
I know you're wordy lol and usually that's whats so great about your poetry, it just doesn't seem to fit (to me) with lyrics - but of course it's just opinion
-
-
-
This was really interesting, especially with the rhyme scheme and your word usage.
But overall, this seems like a bit of a short song. Or it could be just me.
I could really feel the music with this song and I would actually listen to this if it was a real song.
I can't find that much wrong with it.
good luck!
~Cassie
-
-
I thought about repeating other parts during it some more... and I would probably have some musical breaks during it... but I didn't really know what else to do. :/
-
-
Hmm, I'm not sure about repeating.
Actually, rereading it now, it's really not too short. I'm just weird.
-
-
Lol, I'm trying to come up with the musical stuff... but I don't know how to explain it. *shrugs*
-
-
I didn't know how to explain it on mine either. I had parts where the instruments got louder and then faded, so I just put *soft* where they were soft and *big* at the loud parts.
-
-
I probably won't go through the whole song... it would take a lot of thinking for me to do that.
-
-
I didn't really do that myself. Just for places I felt like it.
-
-
-
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
