I look back on a yesterday
when the sidelines were a blur,
upon erred paths my feet did stray
over right roads my soul deters,
I lie on the dirty sidewalk
drugged by life's deepest love,
the rhythm of my heart beat stalks,
the very shadows of my beloved,
singing hymns that are bitter-sweet
tastes tangy as the trusts I cheat,
oh mama, I remember those days,
when the sun seemed unending
and laughter always swayed,
but now the road to home -
lies dusty.
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.
I shed no stifled tears today
nor hold them inside for another day,
I just carry on in wake of vain
just as the pain that comes and wanes.
My steps erred upon the cross-roads
I never knew what was right and wrong,
just nine years old when off I rode
never knowing where I belong,
Ohhhh mama, you just left me lying,
by the silence of your side,
and I just lay there crying,
with eyes white with tears,
and now I've shed,
more then just your love.
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.
I wish I could show you the scars
make you believe my love is there,
I wish I could let you know at last,
the trust you knew is still here.
Ohhh mama, just remember in your peace,
my love for you will never cease,
I may be gone today
but tomorrow is another day,
so just hear me whisper now,
I'm gonna carry on -
just carry on.
Author notes
Asfand.
Story:
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http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2341475
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This was without a doubt pushing me over my limit. Curse you! lolol. I personally tyhink that topics should be personal, attached, felt. You know, it's a song, I have to connect with people not literature proffessors so. lolol.
I kept my rhyming mild so it didn't seem monotonous and you'll see the rhyme scheme keeps changing - just my twist.
Well, I can tell you this I HATED writing lyrics, but LOVED it as well - very challenging and the initial outcome is very satisfying. So, thanks for introducing me to this.
Instruments and Perception
*guitar begins playing softly*
I look back on a yesterday
when the sidelines were a blur,
'pon erred paths my feet did stray
o'er right roads my soul deters,
*piano joins the guitar with same melody*
I lie on the dirty sidewalk
drugged by life's deepest love,
*voice grows*
the rhythm of my heart beat stalks,
the very shadows of my beloved,
singing hymns that are bitter-sweet
tastes tangy as the trusts I cheat,
oh mama, I remember those days,
when the sun seemed unending
and laughter always swayed,
*soft voice*
but now the road to home -
lies dusty.
*drumbeat begins*
*all instruments, drums, guitar and piano play*
*big voice*
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.
*guitar solo*
I shed no stifled tears today
nor hold them inside for another day,
I just carry on in wake of vain
just as the pain that comes and wanes.
*piano joins in with guitar*
My steps erred upon the cross-roads
I never knew what was right and wrong,
just nine years old when off I rode
never knowing where I belong,
*big*
Ohhhh mama, you just left me lying,
by the silence of your side,
and I just lay there crying,
with eyes white with tears,
*softly*
and now I've shed,
more then just your love.
*same as above chorus.*
*drumbeats begin*
*all other instreuments join in*
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.
*guitar solo*
I wish I could show you the scars
make you believe my love is there,
I wish I could let you know at last,
the trust you knew is still here.
*all insturments begin after 'ohhhhh mamaaaaaa'*
*biggest vocals*
Ohhh mama, just remember in your peace,
my love for you will never cease,
*descent*
I may be gone today
but tomorrow is another day,
so just hear me whisper now,
*softly*
I'm gonna carry on -
just carry on.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 9 (Top 6) by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended April 3, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Was beautiful and moving to begin with - simple melody and kind of Opeth style. The 'chorus' -
'I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
I'm gonna carry on, just carry on,
no matter what they say or do
no matter if you're with me or not,
it makes no difference;
I'm just gonna carry on and on.'
- disappointed me. I hardly ever enjoy repetitiveness within lyrical content. It advertises the right to repeat continuously and drain cells from people. Music should be new not re-used. But there is a difference in music styles and I took that in consideration. From Opeth to Arvil Lavinge. The mixture here was awkward but without the chorus this piece would have blew me away.
None the less - your phrasing is captivating, mesmerizing and present to flow the poetic lyrical content through out.
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You're not just a highly skilled, but you are also a natural writer; and it has been completely proven by what you have accomplished throughout this competition.
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Another entry that frightens me a lot...very well done. I especially liked the alliteration--"tastes tangy as the trusts I cheat".
Umm...I had some suggestions before you revised, but now it looks really good. I love the "I shed no stifled tears today" verse, and the repetition works.
The only part out of place for me was "'pon" and "o'er", especially to have them in the very beginning. Just looking at the poem as a whole, they don't quite fit (in my very humble opinon).
All in all, it's making my lyrics go hide in a corner, covering their eyes with a blanket.
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Just realised your title reminds me of My Chemical Romance -
We'll Carry on,
We'll Carry on
Though your dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
In fact the whole song sounds MCR-ish, which to me is no bad thing! -
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I've heard about them, but never listened to them. I s'pose they're good, but I ain't sure we get them in my country - or my city anyway.Can you download thwem on the net?
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There's probably loads on youtube
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To be honest, the chorus sounded a little cheesy with all the repeats. The title, too. And did your rhyme scheme during the song?
That was a little confusing.
But the rest of the lyrics were really great, yeah, you have some tweaking to do, but I think you can do it. This was great.
~Cassie
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Tweaked the chorus. I'm sticking to the title and the main theme. They say titles should be very catchy anbd easy to remember, and very everyday so whenmever somoeone says something like it, you remember the song.
I agree with the chorus though, it was a little too repetivitive like 'keep bleeding' ...so I just tweaked two verses and flippecd them 180.
Thanks casss, very helpful. -
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Hey, no problem, I'm just here to give advice, you don't have to take it.
But this looks good.
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I think...this seems a little long to be a song, but that's exactly what I did with the first one I wrote...then again it might not be...(sorry for that completely pointless statement..*ahem..)
I remember how the moon used to shine,
o'er my head the stars are now shying
the rest remains unsaid in sign,
and at the end of the day, I lie sighin',
That all seems a bit of a mouthful...
and now I've shed,
more then just your love.
but that is fecking excellent!!!
On second thought, maybe it isn't too long. I'd love to come back to this when you've finished tweaking (or is it tweeking *thinks*)
Take care! x
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I remember how the moon used to shine,
o'er my head the stars are now shying
the rest remains unsaid in sign,
and at the end of the day, I lie sighin',
I was worried maself bout this one, so I cut it when I've got two heads that it's weird. It's too wordy nah. Thanks!! That was really helpful. Now the song is a little shorter too!!!
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