I walk along the hall
Seeing pictures of what has been
And what could have been
I can only think
Dark thoughts
Praying you will come home to me again
I walk along the hall
Seeing pictures of what has been
And what could have been
You have disappeared
Will you be here in time?
Or must I continue to stare at framed memories?
Author notes
Just an idea. Title used in the titles group.
A contest entry
- round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please let me know what I can do better
Comments
-
Lissa, I think that Liz touched on the areas that can make this piece stunning. It has the thought and if carried further with plunge into the depths of the soul bringing forth all those emotions that can be felt in your words. I like where you went with the title here. Thank you for sharing with all of us and keep that ink flowing. Love and God bless you my friend, Joyce
-
DEEP, WONDERFUL EXPRESSION!!!!
It always seems that it is after we lose someone and they are no longer here with us we hold onto the memories we have of them and keep them close with the hope that they will come back again.
-
I think this is a wonderful framework for a poem, but it needs to be fleshed out. Perhaps a little background on the relationship, (who he is, why he left) would add to the dramatic impact. In addition I don't think the repetition of stanza three adds to this short work. You need at least two more stanzas in the middle if you wish to repeat those words. Lastly, I would not repeat the title in the last two words. There are several synonyms for photographs that would add variety and depth to the ending. I do not critique poems in depth when they are entered into contests (unless they are my contests lol), but since you asked how you could improve this poem I hope you don't mind my suggestions. Peace, Liz
Adding your comment:
