The sun shines in through our window
and finds me sprawled out on our bed
legs searching to tangle with yours
my sleepy mind has me trying to
cuddle with your memory.
Another day begins and its you and me
and this cyber replica of love.
I send the kids to school,
run the dishes through the cycle,
the tv drones on but
the emptiness where you belong remains.
There is a closeness we achieve in distance.
If your loving words were sugar water
flowers would bloom at your feet
And as the day to day gets lost
on the stretch of road between us,
technology carries a piece of you home.
Until the day when you return,
phone calls and keyboard kisses must replace
the comfort of your arms.
I miss you.
A contest entry
- . by Aurora Ceres.
475 points, ended April 5, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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On a personal note: As soon as I began reading this, I remembered that you were the military wife (I can't remember which branch) that I be-friended years ago on this site...and it saddens me to see that you are still going through the same anguish that you were going through back then. I only wish the best for you.
About your poem: You know how some people use ridiculous metaphors when they write poetry? So ridiculous that you don't have a clue as to what the hell they are trying to get across? Well, your poem is the complete opposite of that. It was beautifully written. Well done.
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I believe you had requested a critique of your work to assist you in improving? I had taken your comment so, anyhow. Always be aware, that you may ask for a critique from me, but I only do 'critical critique's'. I'm not here to stroke egos. So please keep that in mind, if you don't like something I've said.
First things first, the intro line/lines. VERY IMPORTANT. Consider this, when you open a book, does the first paragraph or page matter? Doesn't it determine whether or not you feel like reading the book? For me, before I ever purchase a book, I crack it out and see the style of writing, the word choice and how they begin thier tale. That tells me right there, whether or not it's worth reading.
So my first point is that you need some engaging intro lines. Whether it's a poignant visual, word play or metaphor, but something. Sunlight streaming in isn't going to work, because it's overplayed.
Second thing, is to watch out with extra words that aren't needed. Remember, this is poetry, not a story, so it doesn't have to be complete and perfect sentences. If you can say something with out 'my', 'me', 'I', 'you'... please do so.
Also, you must watch out for adding 'ing' on the ends of words. It gives it a dated feel. I realize sometimes it's necessary, but a lot times, it just isn't. It's nothing more than a bad habit. An example of some of my points, I'll show you in your first stanza by changing some of the things I'm talking about. This:
~~The sun shines in through our window
and finds me sprawled out on our bed
legs searching to tangle with yours
my sleepy mind has me trying to
cuddle with your memory.
Another day begins and its you and me
and this cyber replica of love.~~
Could be cleaned up to something like this:
~~Sunlight shines on legs searching,
my sprawl body alone on a two pillow bed.
Mind sleepy with a cuddled memory,
fighting another day begun,
with this cyber replica of love~~
I didn't really change anything, but how it was worded. And in this stanza:
~~I send the kids to school,
run the dishes through the cycle,
the tv drones on but
the emptiness where you belong remains.~~
There's not inheriently wrong with it, except that all your images are cliche. I understand the need to show patterns of your day to day life, but your job as a poet, is to use different ones than the ones everyone knows. Start with how you send the kids to school. Could you bus them there? Send them on a space ship. Use a metaphor to show the tediousness of it. And the tv drones... but what else may make a day to day obnoxious noise to you, that is a little less commonplace? Do you see what I mean? Tilt your head and change the view.
So on, and such forth. I won't keep going through stanza by stanza but I'll let you start there. The last point I will make though, that your end line is just as important as the first. It is the last words your readers will absorb before they leave this piece. It's important that they mean something.
Generally, it should end in one of two ways. One, it summarizes in either a metaphor or striking visual manner, what you have already said. OR, it presents one last piece of information that is a bit of a surprise.
And while your 'I miss you' is a summary, it is not very striking. Lots of people 'miss' the person they love. SHOW us you miss him. That will be more likely to strike home and bring an emotional reaction from your reader.
You can tell them all you want, its what you make them feel with you by example, is what they'll remember. -
such a beautiful piece, full of heartbreak and sorrow and yet so eloquently written.
there is pure emotion in every line. I love the title, I love the imagery, I love everything. this is perfect
congrats on the HM,
checkmate
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This is a beautiful piece Sarah, makes me sad for you that your husband is so far away, there's always that dull ache in your heart happening until he comes back to you. Thankgod for computers because without them it would be extremely hard to not know how he is doing. Excellent piece of poetry my friend
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I think computers are a blessing. People that cant be together can still have contact with each other. This is outstanding
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Amazing
I love this poem very much. Being in the military, it feels very familiar.
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Very good
You have some great moments in this piece, all the components for a good poem are here and you have masterly woven them together. Your use of simple words and ideas are easy to digest and strike a common cord of familiarity. You have a good sense of rhythm and can put feelings into your word choices. Your simplest words can carry the most weight when you make the reader feel them as well as hear them; and you do this so well.
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Nice. Body seeks body before mind is awake with the knowledge that they're not there. Keyboard kisses are better than nothing!
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Touching
I get the distinct feeling of loneliness and sadness for a missing partner. Yet the gratitude that at least technology can keep some sort of connection for you. I like the title Keyboard Kisses, very appropriate. I really like the line "There is a closeness we achieve in distance." Having experiences a long distant relationship, I know the feeling. Keep up the good work, this reads well and relates to many I am sure. -
i know the feeling when my husband was in iraq, the computer was the only thing i had to talk to him, i was lucky that he worked in an office, and i would jump to the computer everymorning when i got up, this really realates to my life so perfect i feel every word of it, its a really nice poem, good luck in the contest and keep writing, -Amy
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Yes, thats exactly what this is about.
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this was so sweet and tender...and i know the feeling....and no one should have to go through that....being alone at night sucks...
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aww sweet.
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Awww, a tear drop hits my keyboard. I hate that you are so lonely without your hubby, but, I am happy that you love him as much as you do. He had better realize how lucky he is to have you. Luv Ya!
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Thanks Shanna. Do you know your the only person I know in real life that actually reads my poetry? I am lucky to have YOU!
Sixteen years and your still my bestest friend. HUGS!
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amazing. i've felt exactly the same way before. i love how you explained so perfectly how it feels to miss someone your used to like that...it;s flawless. bravo.
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