Dark...
except for scattered halon bulbs;
dull, distant pearls of sulphur sanctuary...
failing, flickering.
They seek to emulate lost Luna,
miserable in the attempt;
blind to that that passes beneath them.
There are vampires on a night like this:
Ghouls and zombies, phony, vacant recollections
of what humanity should...or could be.
It is hard not to forget that the job;
the keeping of their safety; being
a symbol of civilization...courtesy,
is ours.
The beasts are restless in the shadows,
wandering through the parks and alleyways.
Hunting, gathering in packs,
snarling eyes glazed...hungry.
Seeking satisfaction; base desires; hedonism.
Thoughtless of the greater intellect.
They shy from us, darker we are than even
the shadows they hide in; armoured against
wind and rain, squawker on one hip...illumination
resting on the other, the tube bouncing
off my leg in time with our footsteps.
The night is the same; no different from before,
the many nights that have led to this one.
We joke as we walk, looking over each other's shoulder,
Ears attentive to the scrapes and moans
of the carrion left behind, the victims,
so the lucky describe them, of progress.
Yet there is a fire to the night:
The fiends; bolder, near us. From all sides
steel and willow swinging, a brutal reflection
of ice-wrought madness shining from bloodied,
unfocused, staring eyes. Mouths twisted into
the grotesque similes of a lover's smile.
Surrounded, back to back now, there is no reason...
no logic that can penetrate their vacant stupor...
Their dead expression. Yet we try, calmly,
arms extended in the desire for peaceful resolution.
All the while as they gather, words we use in a
pathetic attempt to stem the tide.
Laughing...they swing;
Struck across the shoulder you fall, then
standing over you, I deflect and then take from one
the club 'Grey Nicolls' that struck you down.
As you rise, right arm flaccid at your side,
grim, determined now, ready for a fight:
Life for life
The light for me turns red here, mixed with bloody
fire; parry counter and strike, for what seems an age;
hours, not the minutes of the battle ground but an
eternity of desperation that never ended in my mind.
It was not long before the night returned, steeped now
With flashes of blue and red, the crazed ones and us;
surrounded now by healers.
That was my last night there, for although my body,
painted with the blood of others yet unscathed, my soul;
now unable to separate heaven from hell. Then there was you;
bedridden for months, less time it is true than most
of them: Some would never rise again...
it was the powers that said, I should not stay.
They said we were brave that night, those judges of man;
shielded by their oaken panels, those that would lord over
all, if they had the chance. But you and I know; there was
no courage, only self-preservation. Those people that would
say to us that they understood; that they experienced from
their towers of ivory and glass;
never do...
never will...
Never can
Author notes
This is...
to me, the best recently written poem that I have done. It has not recieved good reviews and perhaps I have too close an affinity to the situation that the poem was written about. Regardless, it is still the one that I happiest with amongst my recent writes.
In a list
A contest entry
- Guaranteed Comments! II by Nam.
1750 points, ended June 8, 122 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your favorite Prewrite by BorntothePurple.
875 points, ended August 9, 133 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Well, I don't know who didn't give it good reviews, but I love it. It is very well written. I'm a bit confused by the background, because I didn't see how this relates to Native Americans (that threw me off a bit) although there is a lot of battle imagery in here. I like it too that the poem can be read on many different levels. I would be curious to know exactly what you were thinking when you wrote this, though, as to theme. But this is the type of poem I think I could read again and again and appreciate something new each time.
Thank you for entering, straight to finalists. -
-
Thank you, actually the background is just one that I like personally, which is why I chose it...it has little if anything really to do with the poem except that it is a personal background of mine and has more meaning than what is just on the surface. Sorry that it threw you off.
As to the theme, the poem is somewhat autobiographical in nature, although obviously not completely historically accurate, it does depict a situation I have been in and I wrote it to help me explain that situation to a friend I was having difficulties in relating openly to. As I said, not completely accurate, even taking into account the metaphorical allusions used.
I am glad that you feel you could read and re-read it and thank you for thinking it worthy of a bronze.
Adrian
-
-
There are vampires on a night like this:
Ghouls and zombies, phony, vacant recollections
of what humanity should...or could be.
and they hid in shadows
great poem -
-
Thank you Riftkin, I am glad that you thought it so good and very happy you read it and commented.
-
-
"Such distant pearls of suphur sanctuary" - "suphur" did you mean "sulphur"?
"Wandering though the parks and alleyways" - "though" I believe you mean "through".
A bit longer than I thought, my mind began to wander in the middle, went back to it after I finished, I feel that it could shortened by one part because my mind still wandered off; it seemed to be a tad repetitious in certain parts, which I think doesn't bode well overall.
Other than those things, a good poem that you have written here. Though it does seem a bit prosey.
-Nam
-
-
Thank you, I corrected the spelling mistakes you pointed out. I do make them on occaision and I appreciate them being pointed out.
As for your other advice, I cannot see where exactly there is a hint of repitition in this piece; perhaps you could elaborate. Also I can't find a section that, in removing, would not interupt the structure or break the continuity of the story presented in the poem, nor do I think that it is too hard to read through to the end as it is not really a very long poem, even though I appreciate that you may have a preference for shorter ones...many do.
Thank you for your honesty
Adrian
-
-
Amazing and brilliantly written recollections. Once I understood and read again it explained a lot of little things that I never could put my finger on.
Margaret
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
