Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Body Language

Your pale beauty takes my eyes,
your snow white binding calling me,
wrapped in such temptation
your cadence begs a conversation

So i speak
With eyes that gently smooth your contours
glancing skin with looks that ask, more?
And your reply sublimely phrased,
a wry smile that meets my gaze
I seek to further my acceptance, but...

your lips complete my sentence



Author notes

Well I was inspired by the combination of the verbal with the physical in all your poems and really took the 'body language' idea on board, that led to me write this wordless conversation. As always I'd like to hear what your favourite lines were and any criticism is welcome.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • tara wilson gold member
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "your lips complete my sentence"...I think of a kiss here, too...

    I LOVE this last line. I think this poem is excellent & a finalist..but I feel the use of 'snow white' a little cliche and overdone in L2 because you already use 'pale' in L1. Only a suggestion that you might want to work on there..thanks so much for entering...excellent..and I am happy our poems inspired this beautiful write.

    • Glitch
      April 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the constructive comments and kind words =)
      The last line is my favourite line too, the poem grew backwards from this ending which was inspired by reading the three original poems.

      The first two lines seem to be the most unpopular and I myself aren't happy with how the first four lines clash with the rest of the poem, but I just like the way "snow white binding" flows of the tongue.

      This competition was a challenge for me and fun to write for (as I rarely write with guidelines on topic and am VERY slow to produce poems) Thank you for sharing your poems with us and for the competition.


  • Nicolette gold member
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I too liked the last line - very nicely done. I also liked the way you've weaved excerpts or ideas from all 3 our poems into this, and still managed to speak with your own voice.

    I stumbled a little on the first two lines - perhaps insert a comma there after the first line? Other than that I really enjoyed this piece - well done.

    Thank you for your entry.

    ~ Nicolette


  • Mari Goes gold member
    April 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    your cadence begs a conversation... I like that.
    You let see what kind of conversation it'd be without showing all the details.
    The last line made me think of a kiss, the point where all begins
    I liked it!

    Mari


  • Chainsaw
    March 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't like the first stanza. I'm not entirely sure why, but it may be to do with personal taste - the image you present is not one I find beautiful, nor sexy. Also, I felt that you could have developed the image of two people finding each other's gaze in a more original way.

    However, I liked that you left a silence around their location, allowing the reader to assume a crowded room, a bar, a mall, a restaurant, a shopping center.

    I loved the second stanza. Limited punctuation really established the trance like state of the interaction, and the punctuation you did use was powerful in contrast. The last line didn't entirely satisfy me for some reason, but again, I think that comes down to personal taste. It established a certain mood, which I feel was the one you were going for, very effectively.


  • Yemassee gold member
    March 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's quite good, and I appreciated it more the second, third, fourth time I read it. Line four, I like a lot, imagery there, close my eyes and try to see it, how it might play out in visual terms.

    The second stanza begins logically from the firdt, which I liked, a smooth segue. Line sixth, excellent, smooth, follow, very visual but more so, tactile, the reader wants to either be the one following, or the one being followed.

    And the last lines, ah a great summation, a great completion, not a word spoken but a complete conversation in which every thought is understood.

    Yep, easily one of the best I've read in the competition and I've read them all.

    • Glitch
      March 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Yemassee, its nice to get a comment from someone who has really made an effort to engage with the poem and who has some insightful commentary.

      I had to force this one a little because I'm not used to writing for a competition so that's probably why it takes a few reads to get into and doesn't flow as naturally as my other writes. I'm very glad you spared the time though and thank you for your kind words at the end.

1 - 7 of 7