When we first sat down together
Our conversation was a river
Our wit was the rocks
Which pushed the river faster
We danced long into the night
Like butterflies near buttercups
We leaned together gracefully
Just as reeds do in a breeze
Now when we kiss our hearts jump up
Like salmon near a waterfall
When we hug each other tight
We are a fresh spring day
Our love becomes an oak tree
As the seasons change around us
Our branches reach towards the sun
Giving shade to all our loved ones
A contest entry
- . by Aurora Ceres.
475 points, ended April 5, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any suggestions for improvements?
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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This is beautiful!
"Images of Love"
That's exactly what I get from this. I love the metaphors. I also really like how in the end, it's not just about the two. It's about the people in their lives as well. That is truly special. Great poem! Much love.
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yay!
The flow is much better now
I wasn't sure about the 'ands' that you had in the poem before so I'm glad they are gone lol. I like that last line better, its much more personal how it is now. I love the whole idea. Good job.
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Flow
If the poem is improved, it's because of your suggestions and prompts. So thanks for that.
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Imagery was wonderful! Whos this about? :-)
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imagery
Thank you. It's about my gf.
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Wonderful metaphors dear!!! Great write. you painted a picture in my mind and music in my ears. I loved the progression of the relationship and the role nature had in it. Absolutely wonderful!!
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metaphors
Thanks AA - I enjoyed your cocmments.
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Symphony!!!
Pure music....I loved how put so much imagery into your work, I'm envious to say the least you are talented. It moved me, making me sway in time to the invisible tempo your rythme created. Beautiful! -
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invisible tempo
Hello there Xc - Thanks you very much for your complimentary remarks.
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I have a few suggestions for this poem if you want, just what I think honestly:
"Which made the river faster" - is there a verb missing here? It feels like maybe you ment say 'which made the river flow faster' or something like that.
Second last line might read better as 'And our branches reach up towards the sun' (towards instead of to).
I love the last stanza, but I can't pin-point why the poem seemed to come to an abrubt hault to me...
Hope you don't mind these suggestions, this is overall a lovely romantic poem. I love the metaphores as I can totally relate to everything you have described.
Good luck for the contest.
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CHANGES
At last! Some comments to help me improve my poem. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this poem and to suggest improvements. I wish there were more like you.
I think you're right about the abrupt ending. I'll see what i can do about that.
I'll look again at the lines you found fault with.
Thank you again,
BJ.
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awwww! this is... gorgeous! and so poetic... really beautful! your gf's a very lucky lady!
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Another oh so romantic piece by you I hope you share these with your loved one!
The imagery in this was just wonderful and takes the readers mind into the emotion even further than can be done without such lovely descriptions...
This was adorable!! Yes, lovely and romantic for sure!
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Adorable
Thanks Kiwi! Yes, I share my love poems with my gf. She hasn't seen this one yet as I just started writing it today.
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You said it lovely and romantic
I love the way you expressed yourself. Such a sentimental write. -
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Sentimental
Thank you very much for your kind response. Your remarks are always positive.
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good job.
i thought this was really good!
i got a vivid image of love but also of nature!
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love & nature
Thank you very much Sarah. Yes, i chose nature images because i wanted to convey a love as pure as nature.
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what a yucky poem
i thought it was very sweet, but it would have
flowed easier had you not used the word "like"
twice in one stanza.
however, that said, i would gladly accept a
poem like this.
love, lane
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Yucky
Thank you very much; I'm working on the third stanza right now, so I can think of revising.
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