two weeks ago
i spilled orange ink
from my favorite pen
on your favorite shirt
and you didn't talk to me for an hour.
but after our silent hour
i kissed your shirt
and told you that it was artistic
even though my lips turned tangerine.
one week ago
i wrote you a letter
in orange ink
signed "lover girl".
i heard that you burned my letter
but yearned for my tangerine lips
like they were gummy candy
only on the shelf for two weeks.
four days ago
i called your cell phone
melted at your voice on the answering machine
and left you a message of granulated nothings.
i know that you listened to it
again and again, over and over
trying too hard to get my delicious voice from your mind
longing for my citrus kisses.
two days ago
i sent you an e-mail
full of less-than-threes
and ilys.
it's sitting in your inbox, unopened but not forgotten
as you stare, wishing that your brain would implode on me
watching for that solitary message from me
to roll inward and disappear on itself with nothing left behind.
this morning
i came to your house
walked in your front door
and held your hand.
to the music of our two hearts beating
we danced the tangelo tango
you in your citron shirt, me in a smile
we shared our sweet orange kisses.
A contest entry
- love's singing fountain by ichigosama.
610 points, ended July 29, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore... by Forgot2Breathe.
300 points, ended August 21, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Proudly Presenting: ROUND 1 by Walk-Free.
1000 points, ended August 31, 2008, 78 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Begin With The Letter 'L'. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended December 15, 2008, 112 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Oranges and/or Lemons by Vera Rich.
590 points, ended January 30, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Impress me... seriously by DefinitiveFreak.
1050 points, ended April 2, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Colour Contest by Emmyb.
700 points, ended March 28, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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i couldnt tell at first if this was a love poem, or a stalker-type poem. but it ended up being very romantic. thank you for this delicious treat. I can taste its fizzy love buzz
Emmyb -
it's so personal and almost like a memo to yourself- i'm guessing that each reference brings a memory to mind. the informality of it, with the less-than-threes and lack of capitalizations, make it very... intimate. that's the only word i can think of.
i love/am jealous of how you managed to keep a recurring theme which united the entire poem and made the last stanza crunch in the mind like a sweet orange section.
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I liked this poem. It's very... sweet. I know this feeling, having broken up with someone but still being so firmly attached. I'm now engaged to the person I got attached to, so not all for nothing.
I wanted a bit more capitalism in this. Purely stylistic, but words like 'i' at least should be capitals, and the start of each stanza as well.
I like 'full of less-than-threes and ilys'... Very memorable.
A nice write -
OK, I know this was not precisely what the setter of the latest contest wanted, but it is rather lovely nonetheless. It held me all the way through with its lovely, tangy, extended metaphor. A wonderful little poem about communication and affection.
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Well, this is an interesting piece - but a little far from the subject of the competition whichwas "Oranges and.or lemons" - I did warn that this was the SUBJECT of the competition, not a "prompt".
However, the citrus imagery is evocative, and well-worked out.
And I have to say that I do not have the least idea as to what "ilys" and "less-than-threes" are.
Also, "like" in stanza 4 grates somewhat. "Received standard" grammar would require "as if".
And I do find the metaphorical connotations of "on the shelf" a little distracting.
Perhaps you could think of an alternative phrase? -
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May I jump in and explain the unknown terms? It's text-speak and chat-speak, and I am afraid old-timers like you and me are going to have to get used to its increase. "ilys" are "I-love-yous", and "less-than-threes" refers to the emoticon made by < and 3 which represents the shape of a heart (albeit on its side). I hope that clarifies rather than obscures.
M -
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Thank you for the eludidation.
A la guerre comme a la guerre....
In other words, if one is obliged to text - then one has to suffer theabbreviations.
!
But I do not think there is a place for them in serious poetry - except perhaps in poesie concrete.
Ot in the kind of humour that inspured such Victorian album verse as
"A dainty mauid of RKD
If FE in her bower,
Smart as U C a honey B
And sweet as NE flower."
I cannot remember all of it, alas, only the final stanza which goes:
O FE U I C R true,
Why need I S Q less,
I''ll never DV* from you
Nut end my cares with S."
But such things are hardly serious poetry.
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I'm chuckling.
I'm much afraid, however, that language - including the shorthanded orthography of texts and such - progresses and develops despite you and me, Vera; and as a result people will express themselves in the new ways, and do so with lucidity and fluency.
I have been known to couch my "American Voice" poems in a vernacular not my own. And I have just finished a children's novel in which a narrating character uses "like" instead of "as if" throughout (see, I have been following your comments!)
Much of what we perceive today as the standard usage of our language has grown from somewhere else. I might find that uncomfortable, from a personal point of view, but I also find it interesting.
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awww this is so sweet and different, some interesting and exotic choice of words here and imagery...love oranges xd
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i liked the part about citrus kisses. i'd never heard those words together, but they sound good together. it was quite suprising. i guess since they both have the same sounds thats why they sound good.
anyway, that was kinda pointless...
this poem was fairly good. i wasn't quite sure what was going on, but that may just be me (i'm a little slow like that...
), but the concept was intreguing. i liked the ending, it was very satisfying to know that it worked out. great job!
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AWW! >.<
i love love love this write... this is such a sweet and beautiful write! the beginning was a little heart-breaking, but soon to come, your poem became sweeter and lovlier! this was a great poem... and i like how you set this entire piece based on the theme "orange" it's amazing! this is simple, yet very impactful... such that it made me want to read it again and again and again! love this! (i know i've said this quite alot nwo) AWESOME!!! thanks sooo much for this entry, had such a pleasure reading this!
keep penning!
~beauty of silence
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wow wow wow
this is perfect. you should be proud of this!! one of the best pieces i have read
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aaww
I love the feelings in this poem and how the "orange" theme rang true till the end. The story was sweet and the orange was a beautiful colour. congrats on the HM and good luck!!
transit~
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ooooh...
loved this to bits!
hope to seemore of your work in the next round!
best of luck
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this is so artistic and amazing. and i do apologize for not reading it sooner. this is beautiful, and so amazing. i especially love the tangerine feel.
major kudos
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I really love your use of a color and flavor to build a love story around.
I like the framework of the story and I think it has potential to be built upon. I can't really see the connection between the "citrus kisses" and what has apparently turned sour and angsty between two lovers. Show us (even vaguely) an idea of what happened between the beginning and stanza four. -
ichigosama
WOW
it's full of great imagery and full felt emotion. this poem has a lot of juice in it. and i love the ending. . . we shared our sweet orange kisses. thanks for entering!!!! -
wow
this was so much better than i thought when i began reading it!! very well written and great imagery. i could see each segment as it happened. i loved it!!
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You should be very proud of this poem, it is everything that makes the world a good place.
"i heard that you burned my letter
but yearned for my tangerine lips
like they were gummy candy
only on the shelf for two weeks."
One of the most personal stanzas that I have found in someone else's work. Thank you for this stanza. Honestly, thank you.
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less-than-threes...
gosh, very creative, very original.
a very citrus-y sweet piece.
you put so much thought into this poem.
you let the orange-ness flow without trying too hard.
i enjoyed this
--DAMSELx
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_Yes_ Creativity / Originality
_Yes_ Imagery
_Yes_ Metaphor
_Yes_ Emotion
_Yes_ Reaction
_Yes_ Relatability
_Yes_ Fluency
_Yes_ Powerful Beginning
_Yes_ Powerful Middle
_No_ Powerful Ending
_Yes_ Connecting Ideas
_Yes_ Interesting Idea Behind Piece and/or a Message Behind Piece
_Yes_ Interesting In General (Does Not Bore) -
Thank you for your beautiful entry, good luck, Josie
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And I'm proud of you! Love the word choice, all the different words for orange, and "granulated"... wow. Gorgeous! Glad I can call you my sister. What talent!
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