sunrise in the east
ocean waves lap the shoreline;
the storm approaches
A contest entry
- Traditional Haiku by Kelli Marie.
600 points, ended March 25, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Vivid and direct.
Karl, this has so much going for it that I am going to give it rounds of applause. Then I am going to point out the tiny things which might have made it better... please bear with me...
The semi-colon is superfluous, as the break at that point is obvious, even though the lines rather tend to be "bullet points". You have the sensory images, but if you have tried to convey a mometary feeling, a fleeting emotion, it is a little cryptic for me - perhaps hidden in the final line is some apprehnsion at the approach of the storm, but the words themselves are too much like an observation.
I hope you don't mind my doing this. Haiku is such a tough nut to crack, and I have failed countless times. This one is so close to being all one would hope for.
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Very nice ...
well done and done well.
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You captured the image so very well. Excellently done!
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This is a nice visual haiku. I think you need to recount the syllables in line two. Thank you for sharing in the contest.
Kelli
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