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Beautiful Encasement

Your glistening bronze hue
combined with perfect features
command my attention.

Your closed eyes
are unaware of my bold stare.

I scrutinize each inch
from your smooth forehead,
to your manicured toes,
discovering no defect.

Relaxed in your swimsuit
I wonder of the attributes
that are not disclosed.

Does your heart match
the beauty of your
encompassing skin .

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • honestlylost
    April 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    The 'of' has been added. Thank you all for the critique, it does read better now.


  • tara wilson gold member
    April 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    yes...I agree, this poem needs an 'of' in L14.

    Other than that, it's beautiful & meaningful, thanks so much for this entry


  • Nicolette gold member
    April 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah... the last stanza is indeed something to ponder about as so often beauty is but skin deep. I liked the twist at the end - almost didn't see it come, and that's a good thing in my book!

    I also missed the "of" in the last line, but other than that a very enjoyable write and a very nice take on the contest theme.

    Thank you for this entry.

    ~ Nicolette


  • Mari Goes gold member
    April 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    She sounds like an ideal woman, but that is hopefully how men look at the women they desire. And I like that you explore more than just her shape and looks, for after the newness wears off it helps if she has something in her brain.

    I think you forgot 'of' before 'your' there on the last stanza.
    Thanks for entering.
    Mari


  • Yemassee gold member
    March 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The poem read well until the next to last line where I think it could benefit from an "of" before the word, "your? I'm not sure I like the word "encompassing" there either...it seems to declare too much for the situation.

    But those suggestions aside, it read well, and I liked the seeming shift at the end, you hint at what might be under the swim suit, suggesting body parts, but then reveal that you actually mean inner beauty, which I found pleasing.

    I must say as I read, I envisioned this woman's beauty...and that is a tribute to your words.


    • honestlylost
      March 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. I also thought that it needed an 'of', but decided not to because I dislike extra words.

1 - 6 of 6