Pin wheels and down time
look what they've done to me
straw hats and squeezed lime
Our time at the Red Sea.
Dead fish unite and bridge
the slippery twilights
Collapsing my foresight
Yeah, I guess you were right
to leave me while I sleep.
Dogwoods and blood oaks
the strangest of moods here
The calmest of tides soak
Just why we did come clear.
My face in your smooth palms
impressioned the white sand
I never dared understand
How godless we'd demand
Us deep in the Red Sea.
Stretch limbing dusk's arc
The red under your bark
And how you left your mark
On me, never the seasons...
Again, forever, I say good-bye
To why you ever made me pry
That far into you at the Red Sea
These blood oaks, they keep me...
From you, my love.
Author notes
Written December 6th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- Children's poems and stories (Gothic or otherwise) by yukitosumi.
300 points, ended October 31, 2006, 46 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Good rhyming of your expressions and feelings,you have them flowing ,keep writting.
Brandy3 -
I really liked the imagary in this. You did such a wonderful job! The rhyming was great and didn't seem forced at all! There was so much emotion in this. I really loved it. Thanks for entering and goodluck!
~Fi~
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Awesome write, but I have bad memories connected to the Red Sea.. But that's neither nor there. I like the imagery you used in this, and think the pic is awesome also. Athena
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such a wonderful lyric
thank you for entering our contest lol and good luck
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Nicely done, thank you for entering this contest
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good poem Good Luck.
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horus, these lyrics are beautiful. I'm not a fan of rhyme unless it is creative and cleverly written but you do it well and i completely respect your style. The imagery is spectacular. I wonder what the blood oaks symbolize?
All the best
Arielle
The One and Only -
Oh, well you're just in time, we're having appetizers and white wine
in my colon before viewing a musical rendition of "Jesus came On My Horse"
by the anal wart repertoire. -
not until tomorrow. for now your ass will do.
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Don't you have a mime convention to get to, or something.
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Just thought I'd say hello bitch, since I clicked on a future poem.
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i liked it i thought the imagery was quite unique and clear
however the rhyming felt a bit forced
but thats just me
good effort -
great job!
Wow! This is so deep, it feels personal and heartfelt! I love the lines...My face in your smooth palms
impressioned the white sand
I never dared understand
How godless we'd demand
Us deep in the Red Sea.
They jump out at me! Awesome, you get brownie points cause you added the past into it! Great piece of work here! Keep it up, and thank you for everntering!
Ladybug15 -
you know this is trophy material if you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put what topic you chose. omg please do that so i don't have to disqualify you. great job and thanks for entering!
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This was good, notably the imagery, you do know there's help available? Loved the background as well as the font color, hang in there young one and to soon all will be revealed to you...steveV
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Actually this will be on my 6th album coming out next year by my new band The Werewolves, the albums called Short On Cash, Not Hair. Yeah this is a great song I wrote for my mother.
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I like this one! Great imagry! Is this one on one of your Albums? Anyways keep on strummin and drummin and break the world with song!
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nice well done
Crystal xx -
Great rhyme, great images, an overall great poem. Very descriptive and well written. Congrats on getting the bronze!
~CT -
Wow... this is a really unique viewpoint... the.. allusions? i think thats what its called are really good.. some parts were a little hard to understand but maybe its just me.
It was extremely eloquent!
<33 au reviour -
"Pin wheels and down time" Loved that line.
I agree with Kethry, very well put together... I LOVED a lot of the metaphores, and I agree - love is incredible.
Gothic with a hint of romance and the idea of pain because of dramatic unrequinted love - exquisit.
Very well done... thank you for entering, best of luck x -
Alway a dark write when you mingle blood with the sea images. Very well put together. Good luck in the contest.
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This is good. The rhyming is good and the emotion and the imagery are great. Thanks for entering and always keep writing. ~Karli~
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Such a nice flowing rhyme scheme (your specialty). I like the line "how you left your mark on me, never the seasons" the best. Thank you for the entry. -N
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I am in love with this piece.
"Yeah, I guess you were right
to leave while I slept."
will haunt me for the next few hours.
Amazing.
~revised. -
o wow.. that was really good. You have serious talent. That poem was really really moving.. and I liked it. Whoever this is for ( if anyone in particular) is really ucky. A wonderful wonderful job!
Blood----<3 -
wow... i am... mesmorized (cns?) and i love the words... wow... this is beautiful and deserves a lot more comments and applauds! here u go! good luck in my contest! ~Celia~
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I've read a few of your songs. I like them a lot, you have talent. I'm going to continue reading...
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i'm parking in this collection for a bit. why didn't you point me here? you are too shy. good thing you shhh'd it...
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Very well done. You had some wonderful imagery here. I love how you kept bringing the color of red back into the song. It was a good tie. This was very descriptive and the emotion was strong. Well done. I'd be curious to hear the music you have for this. Thank you for entering.
~~shattered -
Thank you, it's a song I play, and wrote for my mother.
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wow..so emotional..i guess..im really impressed..i never really like love poem or stufff like thatbut like i said ill except it since the contest is almost over..this is a great poem..i love it alot..this is soooo great
great write, love the poem. good job!
thank you lots for entering my contest and good luck
laterz..
x_x jessie x_x
Edited on Dec 06, 2:11 p.m. because '
'.
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