'Knowing what you cannot do is
a writer's second-best gift'.
(Dedicated to Josephine Jacobsen
& everyone I've loved & poets.)
I couldn't wait to get there
My palms moist and heart
rate up, face flush ruddy.
Those around could sense
my eagerness so much so...
It elated them along with me.
The train arrived with steam
and noise. Laughter children
and punctual adults leading
following. A clock spins, but
my bags are light, extensions.
fresh stick of gum in my walk
I talk to myself without a care.
Employing a carrier to carry me there.
He does with third rate conversation.
I, however, am amused and attentive
because, I am almost to you now.
I am this close from smelling
everything about your curvings.
The way you correct me and brush
it all away. You bring me in, and
let me out with a convergence divine.
When I arrived and inquired as to your absence?
With a smile, dry eyes, and plastic covered furniture
They kindly said with a sigh 'Why, you had died, dead.'
Then, surprisingly, your mother took my coat and bags
and led me upstairs to your room. Everything perfectly
still and unmoved. Pictures, energy, doodles, dried
flowers. I sat on your bed and I laid back.
To sleep, for the first time in forever.
Author notes
option 3
Written December 5th, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 84 of 84
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awwww the end was so unexpected!
hw sad. but great piece! 
i liked this.i luvd the story in it.... and the descripptiveness! u are so talented!
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This is a wonderful write, Jeremi. You've enveloped those feelings of expectation, love and joy, the kind we feel knowing we're going to see a loved one soon, one whose been a long time away, into meaningful toughts and poetry.
Everything flows from one thought, one action to the next without missing a beat. The surprise ending comes with sadness, dissappointment ...and totally ubexpected.
I can even feel that dissappointment, yet there's a certain relief/satisfaction in coming back, even though she's gone, and expressed poignantly in those last two lines.
I don't know if this all true or a beautiful figmant of your imagination, but you've made this reader feel the joy, the anticipation, the sadness of this well written work.
Excellent work, Jeremi
Dee
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OK> I'm getting really annoyed! You are the seventh person who did not read the rules!!!!!!! Please read the rules and put the required in your comment box or it will be removed. This is really good and I don't want to remove it but....well......rules are rules!
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bood job
wow this is good. -
Truely raw, I am indeed in awe.
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Touching
I really love the style of this poem, and I relate on a very personal level. Well, well written! -
wow
~wow, this is so emotional. i love it. I loved the twist. Thanks for entering my contest.
~Ashes~ -
A nice write!!
Thanks for entering. -
really good horus, good luck!
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i loved it
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Very nicely written..Very smooth and easy to read.. Thank you much for entering my contest.. good luck with your entry Amy
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this was beautiful, and really sad. did you mean to say a fresh stick of gum in my mouth or is it really walk? good job and good luck in my contest!
angi -
Holy Shit! This is brilliant! Smooth, very deep and the ending, definately a bang to the senses. Awesome piece! Gypsy
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how great is love
A poem so deep , of love , a mystery here , like crossing a
threshold of memory and moving on , how sad .
Said with passion and simplicity but evoked such strong feelings. -
wah... due to my lack of sleep, i had to read it twice to fully understand it. but despite that, wow... really, this seems to be a simple poem at first, but it really goes far deeper, i think its depth is... well, i honestly have no word for it, but really, the way your words tugged at me, and made me feel i was the one in the poem itself... it's something close to magical the story in this poem is a tad bit sad, but i really really love it. i'm not sure if i got it right, but that last bit about the unmoving and stilled room, to me it was more like the person had tried to preserve what memories had been left with him/her... wah, ok, this made me think a LOT
thank you so much for this
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Whenever I see your name on a selection, I know it will be entertaining. You have not disappointed me thus far.
~~~POO~~~ -
This was very moving. I'm speechless, sorry.
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Oh, its sad. Soo soo sad that i would love it if i could cry. For the beauty and the pain. I do hope it isnt true. Thank you for your talent.
Daidra -
thank you for entering. i am going to be judging soon and will compliment you then. thank you.
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{rocks back on her heels, stunned...} Wow... What an incredible poem...I am made mute by the intensity of the feelings you've evoked...
'I, however, am amused and attentive
because, I am almost to you now.
I am this close from smelling
everything about your curvings.'
'I sat on your bed and I laid back.
To sleep, for the first time in forever.'
The last lines...if you only knew...I have breathed this air...Bravo, horus8... Wanda
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No problem - how can I judge a poem in a contest if I don't unpack and try to get into the depths of it? And thanks for the offer...I might just take you on on that
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That was an awesome critique,
thank you. Let me know when
You'd like a review or an edit
On a piece of yours, and I'll help
You out.
Edited on Jan 23, 2:07 p.m. because ''. -
It was indeed a pleasure,
Thank you for having me here. -
yes this verse crosses several creative boundaries but does so effortlessly. there is an easy flow to it all, "uncontained" as we often say. Nice slow unpretentious build up and an absolutely beautiful last line that perfectly embodies what it was that we were searching for in the contest. Very pleased that you selected this piece.
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Powerful and very moving!
An extremely moving poem, actually a story-poem, that touches something inside the reader from the quote in the beginning to the surprising twist of the last two lines. Totally thought-provoking and beautifully written with a gentle sadness – shall I call it melancholy – a look back into the past, a lovely description of the present and a view towards the future, to forever. A poem that pulls the reader into the depths of emotions here so eloquently painted in words, taking the reader along on this journey. Oh, and you had my attention just by mentioning steam trains – that always stirs and moves me – lovely imagery! I liked the placement of certain words, for example “My palms moist and heart” – as if your heart is in your palm – and also how it flowed towards the next sentence, giving it a total different meaning – I like word-play like that! Also the “laughter, children and adults following” – wonderful! This line is so moving and beautiful “I am this close from smelling” and captivates all the senses – to be so close that you can smell this person, this dream. The vivid imagery and emotions of the last stanza are quite breathtaking – feels as if the reader was there, silently witnessing this very moving scene. A sad poem but the last two lines bring back feelings of tranquility, of peace and acceptance – almost a floating sensation.
At first the layout/construction of the poem did not seem “right”, but on reading it again (and again), I think that in this poem it works very well. Vocabulary is very good, this poem moves with beauty and passion (of a different kind) – almost a strange, subtle sensuality embedded amongst the lines, you address the perplexities of life’s journey, the human emotions and death in an elegant and under-stated way. You have me pondering on this poem….and I am not yet sure if this fits the contest requirements of ecstasy and perplexity (especially the ecstasy bit) – so on the perplexity side you sure succeeded with this attempt! Overall a stunning poem that will stay with me long after I’ve left. Thank you for entering this remarkably deep and moving poem!
~ Nicolette
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Very very unique.. i cant really put my finger on what made me read this to the end but it was something powerful. thank you for entering.. keep writing
~Audri -
I'm completely nude right now, and eyeballing a papya.
Oh God! Forgive me... -
An interesting contemporary piece of literature with a real sad imaginative twist at the end. Great work. Avril
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whoa, intense love here. Wonderfully powerful
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Very nice. Excellent job...one way or another I will read your book. Your poetry is so well written and I am going to continue to read more of your works later.
Emily -
Wonderful, thought-provoking piece that really attained so much description and uniquely written. 'The first time in forever'... what a beautiful and yet poignant title and line in your work. I applaud this piece.
Thank you for entering my contest.
Empathy, Kate
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Mmm, contemporary isn't my strong point but I'll give it a shot.
I like the descriptive language you used... somewhat more abstract than I'm used to reading but it's kind of refreshing The formatting you've used draws attention to more important points of the poem, which is good I think. The direct address and first person narrative style personalises the poem and is engaging, also good. I couldn't find a rhythm but that's probably just my reading style... I often have trouble finding rhythm 
Ending worked very nicely; beautifully written, sad poem. Well done.
Cheers,
~Tal~ -
..this is very sad..in scanning through the comments i saw where you said it was fiction so i wont apologize..i will however ask where on earth you come up with this wonderful stuff...excellent write..thanks for entering...good luck and God Bless
tyler -
Oh wow, this is some story, i kind of got lost at the end though...but what a sad write, how tragic...thanks for entering and good luck
take care
-Darkness- -
Wow..holly crap..that was beautifully ..kinda twisted..and really sad..but beautifully written!! I aboslutely loved the ending.. it was awesome.. And i really like that quote at the beginning..its a nice touch! This poem was masterful..keep rocking it..and lots of luck to you in my contest..later
lyl
~jenn~ -
absolutely great ...you have earned my applause
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Awesome
simply awesome .....
Andy -
Very different piece. Good luck in the contest.
Prince -
Very interesting with an unexpected ending, i really enjoyed it!!
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This is fiction.
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Thats a very sad and personal poem....I kinda envy those who are okay with writing about their life...Very good write
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I agree with the opening quote- and I am curious as to who said it. I'm also curious what that person thinks is the best gift (the gift of writing itself?) Question: "Laughter children" are you sure shouldn't be "laughing children"? and "fresh stick of gum in my walk" sounds like it should be "mouth" but I am wondering if this is a loose reference to "can't chew gum and walk at the same time". Very intelligently worded and highly descriptive. I am wondering if this is a true story, it sounds as if it's written while in shock. Anyways, thanks for the entry.
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The picture you paint of the arrival creates the scene very well. The ending is sad, but seems almost passive and unemotional.
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BEAUTIFUL WRITE, POET!!! May JUST have to join in
on the accolades for first!!! GOOD LUCK...
~~~ Wanda ~~~
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My vote for 1st place
Good luck in the contest sweetie
I entered too do come see me
Susan~~~
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MY VOTE FOR FIRST PLACE
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At first I totally thought something different happening as the outcome in this. The further I read into it, my view changed. I really enjoyed the fact that you caught me off guard with the ending. I have read from your work in the past and have enjoyed a majority of it. Some was just not my “cup of tea.” But I thoroughly enjoyed this one.
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Very interesting piece...this definitely leaves the reader thinking. The form was very interesting. At first, I didn't like it but as I kept reading I guess I got used to it because I really liked it. The ending was kind of depressing...i really thought the person whose point of view this is written in had something great going for them and coming to them. It was very disappointing, but I liked it. There's something that really brings closure to the reader even if it's not looked for when you read of the character's acceptance of the death. Very moving.
Employing a carrier to carry me there.
He does with third rate conversation.
Those lines probably made the biggest impact on my mind just because it's something that seems so small, but is used in a way that really shows how the character is feeling. Great write. -
The end was so suprising, very captivating-- bazarre, could I say?
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Thanks, 'preciate the education.
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How's the air up there now?
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That's funny, why would I be angry? It's you who should be angry at your own caddishness because you don't know who Josephine Jacobsen is, or what a quote and intro into a poem looks like (A dedication); as you try to pass yourself off as some kind of critiquer of poetry. I'm actually giggling, do you honestly assume your 'neither here nor there' critique of my poem would actually bother me? Why? lol. Every one is entitled to their opinions.
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Look, you signed up for the crit. Please don't be angry, it's annoying.
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You attempting to sound intelligent? How's that working for you?
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Ok. Hang on. Let me find my notes....
God, I'm such a scatterbrain. Here.
I like the flow of the poem a lot - your enjambement is very good. And I love the "stick of gum" line. But you very frequently "tell," not "show." Which isn't poetry - it's a journal entry, in excessive amounts.
I liked it, in general, but its weak points overcame the strong ones.
Edited on Jun 21, 3:56 p.m. because 'Because I'm an idiot....'. -
Great Write
I think I've told you before that I love your work. I could see this so vividly in my mind. The twist at the end and how you slept for the first time, I could really get under. Strange how grief will do that to you. Wonderful write you have here. Nothing but smiles for you. xoxoxo~Cuddles -
Very compelling. I liked it a lot.. good luck in the contest! Although after reading yours and the other entries I am afraid I have no chance of winning lol.. but good luck!
Conni
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I am surprise at myself for not reading this until now. But timing is everything, and I so needed to read this today. I have taken on a new job, working in a Nursing and Rehab Center. Last Saturday I befriended an elderly woman who was in a lot of pain, I prayed with her and got her a rosery to cling to. I checked on her late that night, she was sleeping well with the rosery still clutched in her hand. The next day I came in to work and went to check on her, she was bright and cleaned up, smiling, and sitting in her wheelchair, she asked if I was the angel who had left her the rosery the night before? I smiled and said yes. The following day when I arrived at work, and went in to check on her, her bed was turned up and all the linen was cleared away, she had died. I shed a few tears for the stranger I had just met, and then sighed in relief for she was no longer in pain. Your poem took me there. I love how you write my friend. The pictures painted here leave their impressions in my mind, and make me feel warm inside.
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This was pretty, but it was a little more than one moment in time. Wasn'treally a moment... it sseemed to me it was a bit longer. Still, I liked it... ahh judging this contest is so difficult, why dmust I be so knitpicky
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***.4
This is good. I liked the ending; I am a big fan of twists. Good write. -
This is such a descriptive piece; I was walking beside you, and in that room. I appreciate that you left the reader to think at the end: why, after all that, would you sleep "for the first time in forever?" We build our own stories on that.
Good poem. -
wow. it was incredible. absolutely wonderful. the twist at the end was great. awesome job.
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the chord of my sunrise
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This is so tragic and beautiful at the same time. The way you arranged each line made this just flow, allowing it to tell the story in a creative way. This is gonna be tough.
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Wondrous
Wonderful work. I am One-track-minded, dearest Horus8, but this write inspired the following:
You died, Rabboni
at your grave
I coated my cold body
with your shroud
with sobs
drifting off
into Eternal Sleep
my soul
awakened
by your Holy Kiss
whispering my name:
"Maria"
and now I live
within your resurrection
myra
10.04.2004
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thank you so much for entering my contest. this is a beautiful poem!!
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Another beautiful poem. The understatement is fresh and inviting, leaving just enough air to breathe, and just enough allure to interest.
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Very well written. The twist at the end is fasinating. Thanks for sharing. I didn't check to see if you won, but I like what is posted here no matter.
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Good write! Very well done! Good Luck In The Contest! Take care of you! ...............Sheila
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Im sorry so many are not putting them in, and I think the beauty of this poem caught me off gaurd. Thank you.
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it's in there.
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this is so emotional and I loved it, but where is the phrase in your authors note, great write.
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Well, isn't this good? What a great writer you are and what a talented painter of atmosphere. This is a fabulous piece and where I can almost feel the staleness of the room yet how familiar. Good writing, really good writing. Can I just say, and I really don’t want this to sound patronising but when you are “on song” you can just about out write anybody on this site. When you are on song. I loved this.
David
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Okay, here is another one that is begging me to stop and comment on on my way to the end of this competition list...why? Because of the delivery, the unique quality in the wording (which is unlike anybody else I read) and mostly, for the understated sadness in it. Now, that's class.
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This is very well written Horus,it would be sad to go with the anticipation of meeting a loved one only to find they had died.
You have a lot of talent my friend~Angelica
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Very interesting and well written.
sam
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Aye, I agree. This piece was very well written, M'dear. So much feeling, love the descriptions, love the wording. The flow was nice, how the words just kind of wrapped around eachother to bring you into the next line. Sort of like it doesn't want you to leave. *Smile* Wonderful piece, my friend...
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I think I like this one the best so far that i've read by you, maybe because i think it has the most feeling in it. I was captivated by your imagery, touched by the content and impressed by your unique voice.
It's things like;
"face flush ruddy."
and
"this close from smelling
everything about your curvings."
that show your skill...
Once again, nicely done,
~ Wendy
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Yes, I'm a tricky smokey goat.
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whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....
NOW I feel like I just entered the happy ending in the " Wizzard of Oz " You were given a heart 
. Now this is what I call " poesie des larmes "
Reenie
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very good
Unlike SageoMithas, this has never happened to me. Nope. I enjoyed this piece, like the details and the surprise ending I wasn't expecting.
Desiree -
Ivy, I would like to thank you for being communicative and open minded. I spend a lot of time writing, and let me just tell you, we all get deluded by our feelings and intense focus, and we lose sight of our readers. and we all need friends and editors. As far as I go? Consider me both to you. Whenever you need me, I'm at your poetic call.
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Excellent
Horus8...This is a very-well written poem. And, the most emotional of all your poems. It speaks of one who has anticipated that moment of welcoming when you will converge with the one who understands you and loves you for who you are. Then to find that that one person has died and your fulfillment taken away. I think this portion of your poem speaks most clearly:
Then, surprisingly, your mother took my coat and bags
and led me upstairs to your room. Everything perfectly
still and unmoved. Pictures, energy, doodles, dried
flowers. I sat on your bed and I laid back.
To sleep, for the first time in forever.
What you said about "Anchor Of Your Roots," was what you honestly felt. I would much rather have an honest opinion than not. It is true that I generally write from the soul; but do not have the education of poetry (though I did take a Creative Writing/Poetry course with the ext Studies at the University of Wisconsin) I had an instructor that was often harsh in his critiques; but that I learned the most from. As you said, if there was no salvation in my writing, you would of read the first line and left in a hurray. You wouldn't have bothered to even offer a critique. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. **Ivy Rose
Edited on Dec 06, 2:08 p.m. because ''. -
Wow, this actually happened to me too. I feel everything in this piece, the happiness to see someone that you haven't seen in so long. Along with the pain and heartache of finding out when you get there that they have died. At that point sleep is the only escape from the battling emotions in your head. Great write.
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