Afoot again,
to fading flight of jet
deep in the silent sky, and
to far hill's bawl of cow flesh,,
the old woman and her dog
were loose and searching under February's
thin and questioning cloth.
In January, she had strode alone, but now
the sap was rising in the human race, and
the necklace of path around the lake
was studded with distant and deadened
people, January loathe to loosen
the human soul.
A cloud of starlings
weaving their net of song on a rusty shuttle,
hung invisible in nearby tree,
working the threads of the morning's
mood. The lake's literate ducks
had slid more distantly out upon the waters,
like poets gone into themselves to mine
for meaning.
A half mile from the Starlings' tree
God perched high and easy in a eucalyptus tree
and waited
patiently for the gears of his toy
to turn, from winter into spring,
as dead souls streamed from
old centuries into the morning
on a tireless breeze.
Graffiti flew along the walls of
the lake's dry and weedy downspout,
words dripping with wild anger in
strokes of red and bold,
..The Cave paintings,from this
sinking age.
It was an unseemly day for February,
too warm for winter's love affair
with death, and the dry canes of anise
huddled together and secreted
the bawdy whore of spring
in their roots.
A frail congregation of cattle read
the Bible of greening grass
oblivious to the Sword of Damocles
that hung in the sky.
The little dog paused often
listening,
nose working constantly drawing fact from
the wind, puzzled by conundrum
beyond his ken, as above him two hawks
circled lazily, assessing his weight.
"These clouds would look nice in my house",
she thought, but knew that clouds were
like wild horses running who cannot be tamed,
and so she left them there with the
ducks, and vanished, taking only
the curious dog and
the morning's vein of hope.
Author notes
Written February 11th, 2002
In a list
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES!!!!!! by Luminescence.
450 points, ended March 5, 2008, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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Very nice... a bit long... ( lol not so great with the long ones... very short attention span) but it was good.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck,
~lumin -
It was just a site glitch...It's there now. Phew!
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How come this poem doesn't show up in the contest anymore?
That's strange...It does show that it's still in it at the top...Mmmmm...Damn the site glitches! LOL. I will have to make a note of this little problem if the poem doesn't show up again in the list of entries soon. 
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I was also born on february the 18th ,
So obviously , I love the title.
-
“ Graffitti flew along the walls of
the lake's dry and weedy downspout,
words dripping with wild anger in
strokes of red and bold,
..The Cave paintings,from this
sinking age. “
- This is the only part where I found
A spelling error and a spacing issue.
“ Graffitti “ should be spelled “ Graffiti “.
And after the coma , “ from “ should be
Spaced over.
Onward to another minor critique:
I think the first stanza reads a tad
Problematic cause the ideas and the words
seem to be , Well , Under-used.
I usually tell writers they have involved
Too much imagery at once , But here ,
You have involved too little. And it
Is not because the first four lines do
Not make sense , As they do…It’s
The wording and spacing that brings
The whole thing down.
Anyways…Enough of the critical
Things that caught my eye.
Your poem is gentle. The voice involved
Speaks with such compassion and sincerity.
Reminds me a lot of a poem that a writer
Might jot down while sitting outside under
An old pine tree. You involve a character ,
Which is often seen in stories. Unless you
Are actually the “ she “ and therefore great
Use of third person narrative. I can’t say
This is completely prose though , But it does
Contain some strong story imagery. The
Layout is also perfect for the piece. It is
Expressive but not to an overwhelming
extent.
The 6th and 7th stanza are where the poem
Speaks to me on a personal level. The way
In which you speak of february and winter
Is refreshing and atmospheric. And then
You follow up with this stanza involving
The bible , But not in a cliché manner. It
Stands out to me because I think it puts
The impact into a more beneficial
Perspective. You don’t carry on and on
Forcing god down anyones throat , The
antichrist could read this and still enjoy
the use of imagery in the stanza.
Then your ending comes like a shock
Of cold water. It is at that moment I came
To realize there is something more
Going on with the person in the poem.
Something that you might not
Be touching on in an aspect that
Could be easily considered as plain.
As though somehow this woman
Could be waiting…Maybe for a
Moment that never comes. Maybe
Not. And that is why I found your
Ending so strong. You bring the
Poem under a different light , A
Different perspective and one
Must look at the bigger picture.
If you go back and read you will
See the mesmerizing stanza
Involving the dog and the hawks
Flying above…In that part alone
You speak of validation , Of what
Can come of the choices we make ,
Of how it is healthy to question.
And the depth you do it in is
Remarkable. Shows a keen eye on
Not only the outcome of your
Poem. But the elusive nature of
Some parts as well.
Your poem contains some of
The best examples of poetry that
I don’t read often around here. I
Knew this , Of course , From the
First day I started reading you
Awhile back. There is a part of
Yourself that you often give to
The reader , But it is in that part ,
That everything measures itself.
It is obvious I will always read
your work as long as I am able
to enjoy poetry.
I’ll sum it up: You have a lot to
Be proud of as a writer.
Outstanding work.
Good luck in my contest and
Thanks for entering ,
James
Edited on Apr 17, 6:54 p.m. because ''. -
Thank you for the honor of first prize in your wonderful contest. I appreciated your input on improving it, Bellerephon, and changed a few things as you suggested. The other entrants in this contest submitted equally, and as you say, maybe better poems. This was a wonderful contest and I would like to contribute 1000 points for your next contest(s). Get back to me on how to do that.
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This poem is fantasic. I loved the daring way you used metaphors. Like dirtbikes ridden off the trail and not slowing. I felt as I was there porbably because it is that sister season right before winter where the world is turning in its bed, like a door on its hinges. Everything is waiting wanting for sleep but the air is still stifilling from summers scent and nature burns beneath her crimson blanket of leaves.
Anyway sorry for the tangent but you inspired me. Back to your poem. The only thing I thought was wrong with it was that you seemed to use former grammer even when it wasn't needed. It intterupted the natural flow at several points, but the one that stands out is in the last line in the second stanza. The words "as if" add nothing to the poem. Pretty much just try cutting out words where it sounds slow and listen again. Great job though and congratulations. -
I had to read this twice to get the full impact of it. I'm glad I did, because the second time around was even better than the first. I wish you the best of luck in the contest with this intense picture you have painted with your talent. Best wishes~
Frog -
Eye found this poem again
Got to come back and read more of your lovely works. -D ps. Nice to see you around again.
-
neutral
I would love to offer my hand, to be placed in yours and sincerely thank you for this delightful intoxication. And then offer my applause after your read as guest speaker before a crowd having just heard your poetry!!! Applause that lasted all the night until you slept :) Beautiful work Sunny. -Darmok
ps. I almost didn't get started reading at all; that eye kept me me distracted for some time :)
Edited by Darmok on right now. -
excellent
a journey begins with just one small movement of an eye...i enjoyed the travels and travails of the old woman.....and my eyes were well traveled over the scenic paths you created....artis -
excellent
Beautiful work Sunny, you made February a month to remember. -
it was enjoyable and inspirational. life does seem too mechanical sometimes
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had to come back to this
so that i could like it even more
liked it even more than that
this is such a huge and
a complete world -
Thanks for taking me for a walk. I got to sniff the whirls of whispered wonderment at a world willing to while its waning wisdom in the wastelands of tomorrows built on worries of yesterday. But, illogically or no, we still love, for we have heart. Thanks for the work share.
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'...too warm for winter's love affair...' It reminds of the unpredicability of life today. Everything seems to be changing.
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Wes, he's an enigmatic presence up there alright. Thanks for the read.
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I have spent 57 winters of my life in the cold and snow, and I wish God would get off his eucalyptus tree, ha ha ha! Fun! Thanks sunny!
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Thank you, Tom.
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Humble thanks.
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Came to catch your rays. Smiles upon the earth, this sky, these stars...your words.
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Chasingtheday Ian, your praise only encourages me to greater levels of bad behavior. I sometimes feel my images are taking me over. Must need paxil, or prozac, or love. Thank you for letting me be silly. I love that you read my stuff.
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blew me away, superb imagery here, as ever you delight :o)
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Lucky you, Chris, to have such incredible creatures in your paddock! Thank you for your comments. I hold horses in higher esteem than kings.
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Awesome. What a beautiful portrait of the essence of February you paint here my dear .... incredible use of metaphor and able to present so vividly scenes in February ... a door swinging open, ever so slowly, on the rusty hinges of time ...
I also enjoyed the use of the 'wild horse' --- yesterday, we corralled a colt, nearly 9 months old, for the first time --- (weaning) --- very much untamed and testing the boundaries ... -
Astute comment, Scatcat. Love it. And you're right.
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Hi Jacob,thanks for walking along with 'the old lady'. Would have been spectacular as seen from your eyes, kid.
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Thanks, Tamara. I was worried about that line.
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Wendy, there you are. Who said you could take a day off from this slave mine? Thanks for the read and comments.
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Cinara, you really made my day. Thank you muchly.
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Wow. High praise, Christy. Thank you so much.
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Sprite, thank you! Glad you like zee little dog. He thinks he's human.
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Thanks for the read, Toad. Toad's brain needs rest. Too many late nights and wild women, right? Eat your Wheaties.
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Extremely interesting - Toad's brain is a little fried right now- a very nice poem, Sunny.
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Great imagery, 'literate ducks' and 'clouds like wild horses' I like very much. ANd I think the dog adds tremendously to the poem, giving it a more human feel, ironically!
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'like poets gone into themselves to mine
for meaning.'
brilliant metaphor...there are some really priceless lines in here...you blow me away, sunny. -
'like poets gone into themselves to mine
for meaning'
I adore that line :-)
Brilliant piece of work, such amazing images. Love this one Sunny !
Thanks :-) -
she thought she knew but clouds are like wild horses that cannot be tames. this is so kwel
nice piece -
I am in awe of your writing. There are so many wonderful phrases in this piece. You are a very talented writer. I'm so glad to have the privilege of reading
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thanks for this lovely stroll
beautiful encircling
necklace
LOVE it -
natures' broom comes out and sweeps us ever onwards - love this :]
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Well done!!!! Lovely write!
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This is very unusal and vivid. Lots of imagery. Not sure if I understand it all, but I'm trying. :o) 3:30 am here.
But that moving eye is freaking me out! LOL I feel like someone's watching me!
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